Our greatest albeit meanest Taboo Clue: Slow Mike Tyson... Can you guess who?

5 Quick Thoughts from the Weekend.

1. The Field and I challenge anyone in the world to Taboo. We were averaging 5 right guesses a turn and hit as many as 8. Its a sign of the strength of our relationship that we are able to both give clues that we think the other will understand, but also guess based on how the other is presenting clues.
2. I am not a breakfast person, but there is something to be said for an hour long breakfast involving made to order omelets, homemade toast and jams, and fresh orange juice. It makes me almost forget that Lunch is by far the best meal.
3. We finally got around to watching the season finale of Law and Order SVU. By no means, Lost, but very impressive ending to a show that in someways is formulaic.
4. Having not ridden in a bicycle in about 3 or 4 years, it's like riding a bike when you step back on one.
5. I don't go to nearly enough museums.

What a restful and nice weekend... it really hurts my cynicism.

Once a year I work from home. Memorial Day Weekend Eve. Today is that day. Enjoy Memorial Day.

6 Memorial Day Speech Titles that did not win the Walla Walla, Washington American Legion Hall's 10th Grade Memorial Day Speech Contest

1. Subsidizing Enhanced Environmental Protection Regulation by curtailing Veterens Benefits
2. Duty to Country, Cha Right!
3. How serving in Vietnam is similar to the prolonged run of Sanjaya on American Idol
4. Flagburning and its positive role in history
5. Canada where the real heroes went
6. Korean War Sham

This weekend the Field and I are going to a bed and breakfast for the weekend. Seven years ago after spending a night making friends in a mildly friendly way with a girl from Yonkers I went back to my house at the Jersey Shore around 5:30 AM to find there were no rooms at the inn. So instead I slept on a bed in the abandoned house next door. The whole I night I feared that my snoring would alert the police that I was in there. It wasn't until the next morning that I went to use the bathroom and saw two other people from my house also sleeping there that I felt slightly safer.

The girl I saw one time a year and a half later and she treated me like I was her boyfriend coming home from war. By that time she was living on the Upper West Side and I was still in Hoboken, while we thought about exchanging numbers we both knew we could never handle the distance. There are days when the Upper West Side seems further than Miami.

By the way I need to start trying to create silly lists again... eventually if one were to read this too much they would think that my life has been 26 years of uninterested cute girls and four years of one slightly interested cute girl, which would be the saddest but most accurate obituary ever.

LOST!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Best episode of TV in a long time. I loved last weeks Office. Many episodes of 30 Rock are fantastic... but last night rewarded all those people that have stuck through with the show. I can't believe I have to wait 9 months. If you weren't excited when Hurley came barrelling down, well you just aren't human.

Greg Gutfeld is an insightful writer, who has the perfect sick sense of humor that makes him seem like he would fit in nicely to an afternoon drinking with the Dump, #13 or my brothers and I. I watch his show Red Eye every morning on DVR as I get ready and I probably check his web-site Daily Gut slightly less frequently then I check to see if my boss is over my shoulder. Anyhow the NY Observer did a profile here. It's an interesting read and gives hope to those of us who have been known to say something only to get a look of "did you just say that". If you haven't watched Redeye, much like Lost, the Office, Coke Zero Cherry, Swifter Wet Jet or any other tremendous efforts it takes a few tastings to ease into, but once you are there it is the best.

There are two type of people in this world. People who are excited about American Idol tonight and people who are excited about Lost. You can be excited for both, but more likely you are really excited for one and slightly excited for the other. In college I took a course "Forecasting" we learned about regression analysis and how to use it when dealing with financial markets. The class was borderline impossible. The teacher had the charisma of a white piece of paper placed on a field of snow in Alaska as viewed by some who is blind, has no sense of smell, and cannot touch. The course did have two things. My study partner was a girl who the first time I went over to her dorm room it smelled so shockingly feminine (in a the best way imaginable) I almost collapsed and she was wearing only a sports bra and shorts even though it was already November. The second thing is that from an intellectual perspective the material was such that just when you thought you couldn't grasp it any more and were ready to throw in the towel and become a lowly marketing major, you would get it. You would get it with such insight that everything you struggled with before was suddenly easy. The final of that class was comprehensive everything you learned, and having had those insights along the way it was long and it was a lot of work, but it was never hard. Forecasting to me is like Lost. Every time I struggle and think about giving in I make a breakthrough that I realize why I have stuck with it.

American Idol reminds me of my freshman writing class, but that song and dance is for another time...

One of the greatest episodes of Seinfeld (and really there is no definitive list is there, it changes to make whatever point you want to make) is the one where the message is left on the answering machine and they attempt to switch tapes. People fear heights, public speaking, and cacti, but there is something incredibly fear inducing of not being prepared to leave a message. That's why I think on cell phones you see a lot of missed calls and then a message. The person calls gets your voicemail and then calls back once they have formulated what they want to say. What isn't known is that this mimics a natural phenomenon:

The Grey Tiger of West Africa rummages the plains or as it is referred to there, the savanna, a perfectly good geographic term that questionable blond movie actresses have absconded and made their own (what pervy man would buy a movie starring Tundra Monroe or Estuary Sampson?). I digress. The Grey Tiger loves to eat, but animal psychologists have found that what it does when finding its prey, is that it will often go to within a few feet of an antelope or rabbit and then it will run back because it is nervous. It will then take some time ranging from 5 seconds to close to a minute and formulate and eating plan. At that point it will attack the prey with determination and ferocity. Why does it do this? Well, animal theorists think that the Grey Tiger has very potent taste buds. So if it were to just rip into the Antelope it might get a part of the carcass that is unsavory. So it attacks but at the last minute realizes that if it goes about it incorrectly his taste will be so soured that he cannot go on eating. And this explanation can all be found in my next book... Why I never lose at Balderdash...

Here you can see pictures of Paris Hilton who is now reading the Bible... more interesting to the Lake is that she has what appears to be web footed. In college one of my close friends had only three toes: his pinky and ring were fused together as were his index and pointer toe. The odd thing is if I had toes like that I would probably wear socks alot, but this guy wore flip-flops when nobody wore flip-flops. Either way I hope she is reading Paul, because in a lot of ways if Paul were alive today he would be a blogger.

I really don't think I have had REM Sleep in 6 days.

Thursday Night 3 hours of sleep not enough time for a full cycle.
Friday night Slept two hours and then was up for 15 minutes and then slept another two hours
Saturday Night - Slept for 2 hours woke up for about 30 minutes, slept for 2 more hours
Sunday Night - Slept for 8 hours but again I didn't dream, I didn't move I think I passed out from exahaustion.
Last night - Slept for 7 hours but woke up every hour. So instead of getting one good nights sleep I got 7 one hour naps.

What does all of this mean. I don't know.

The one highlight of the graduation I was at yesterday. The person who sang the national anthem was named Melody. I like when things like that happen. Like if you had a golf instructor named Chip or a Museum curator named Art.

6 Things that are fun to do at a college graduation

1. Look at the graduates and see who is more excited to graduate because they didn't think they passed that one class
2. Look at the graduates and guess which ones had a pregnancy scare during the course of their studies
3. Count how many people are sleeping during the commencement speaker
4. Try singing the Alma Maters words to the tune of Bohemian Rhapsody in your head.
5. Walk outside and pretend you are going to the bathroom but actually just go for a walk on a rather nice day.
6. Stay home and hear about the stories later at the party.

I have really decided that I don't like events at all. I may have a good time while at an event, but in all honesty 98% of the time I am having a good time anyway so I would much rather it be on my own terms. Here is how 90% of all events go for me. I find one or two kindred spirits who I end up spending 75% of the time talking to (mostly about either A) something that really interests us or B) about how there are things we would rather be doing (it's always nice to hear someone else's sacrifice for being there) or C) about some commonality of the human condition that is humorously being displayed by one of the other event goers) then I spend the other 25% of my time pretending to care about things that I really don't care about. What's interesting is that I write all of this as if this situation is unique to me, but maybe this is how everyone approaches an event.

And just to prove my point 75% conversations may include:
A) places people have been that I am interested in, funny anecdotes, opinions on books, music or literature that may interest me or presented in a new or interesting light
B) Talking about what you could have been doing such as hiking, drinking, dancing or singing Belinda Carlisle songs in Karaoke
C) Like one of the people in attendance may be wearing an inappropriately revealing outfit, or plaid pants, or talking too loudly or about their portfolio and you and the kindred spirit can dryly comment on the silliness of such actions.

25% conversations include:
People talking about their painting of their home
Jokes about republicans and democrats that involve puns
People talking about Dogs who are long dead with no humorous or interesting slant
People talking about how impressed they are with the cheese selection
Anyone ever talking about a trip they took to Napa
Any discussions lasting longer than 30 seconds about cell phone plans
and any discussion more than 30 minutes into the event discussing how the person traveled there (unless they have crossed more than two time zones)

A few years ago through a series of unfortunate events I was supposed to go to a cabin I own with a few friends from college, and at the last minute work told me I couldn't go. It was the end of feb and plans were to work perfectly such that I would leave on Thursday afternoon and have a blast and stay until Monday. So late in the game I decided to go anyway, even though it meant me getting on a 6 hour train ride and spending about 20 hours there and getting on a six hour train ride back. So I get on the train and watch the entire first season of Arrested Development on my laptop, followed by the first season of the Office (the british version). I get to the cabin about 5:30 at night. We go out to a few of the bars in the woods and have a phenomenal time. I get up at 10AM and drive back to the train station. The sad part is the train is sold out. And the next train doesn't come until Monday morning. Additionally it is the middle of February and about 6 degrees out, and I have no cell phone reception. The other person waiting for the train suggests that I call the 800 number from the pay phone and I may be able to get a reservation. I do. When they tell me my reservation number it is 10 digits long. So I look around and there are four people waiting for the train. An elderly woman, a man who is drunk, a girl of about 19 with more metal in her face than pores. So I ask if any of them have a pen. They don't. If you have read anything about Mental faculties, one of the reasons that phone numbers are 7 digits is that is about all the average head can remember easily. This was 10 digits (and I may just be bumping of the degree of dificultly but I think it was alphanumeric as well). So I ask the girl with the metal face... (or as I will call her Roboface) if she will help me. She said sure. I said this is going to be silly. When I was a kid and would play Simon (The electronic game where you had to remember the pattern of colors that lit up), I found that if you sung with different tones the names of the colors you could remember much further to like up to 21-22 colors and if you played with a friend you could break thirty) She said "so". So I began to sing the numbers to her, and she would sing them back to me. "1CD459K43L". Then once we had them sung a few times we harmonized them. 10 minutes later of us singing this song the train came and Roboface and I ended up sitting across the aisle from each other and sang the song until I found someone doing the NY Times crossword puzzle and borrowed their pen to write it down until the conductor came. Then he didn't even ask for my reservation number. So I offered to buy Roboface a soda or beer or something, and she just said, "no the story alone is worth the singing".
On the way home I pretty much slept.

Lake Trivia Question: What is the major distinction between a parable and a fable?

I am not a fan of breakfast, but still is there a more delicious smell than waffles cooking.

Do you ever use Weather.com?

They now have an interactive radar map that if you love meteorology and you love maps, might as well be your Brad Pitt or Jessica Alba...

Interesting

Have you ever listened to so much Rush that you actually think you could be a 17 year old Canadian in 1982?

If you like sports and don't TIVO Pardon the Interupption, it's a shame. Last night they interviewed Phil Mickelson. One of the things he said was that in golf there are too many people that are happy getting top ten finishes and don't worry about winning. That is a pretty interesting insight into golf, it is a much more interesting insight into life.

Here is my question to all the parents out there: Has anyone ever had a baby without having had previously painted their room?

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If you get IFC, there is a documentary showing this month called This Movie's not yet Rated. It is all about the movie ratings board. (warning there are bad words and nudity, but you knew that) It is really interesting look into how movies are rated. I recommend if you have any interest in censorship, corporate power or movie making in general. It is especially interesting in light of the announcement that smoking is now going to be taken into consideration in rating films.

When I was in college I was involved in student government. At the beginning of the year there were elections for the Freshmen and then the following weekend there was a retreat. On the retreat you went away in the woods and did teambuilding and goal setting stuff. My first year on the Senate I was a sophomore and shy when we went away and was even more shocked at the end of the night when someone pulled out a book of questions and we sat in a circle with the lights off answering them. I was shy and really didn't like sharing about myself answers to things like "who are my heroes?" or "What was the greatest day of my life?". The other type A-'s in the group though loved having that platform to talk about themselves. And at first it was interesting. People telling you their favorite song or favorite movie. The questions though were building to a creshendo and I remember one senior girl telling us that her one wish was that her mother would get better, and a freshman girl telling us about the time she was sexually assaulted. The other thing that was clearly obvious though were two things. The freshman men trying to make themselves appealing to the sorority girls, and the upperclassmen trying to make themselves appealing to the freshman women. The second year I went on the trip I was a little more jaded. There were moments of sincerity like someone talking about the time they were in coma, but for the most part I could just see something that was supposed to be a moment filled with truth to just be a moment filled with people angling for something. And then the topper of them all was senior year.
There was a guy who I will call Ryan. He was short, like 5-5. He had one of those crew cuts with long sideburns that made him look like a monkey. He had an earnestness however that made him seem genuine. So we get to question time, and by this point I already had one job offer, I had recently found out that my parents were getting divorces. To call me jaded is like saying that Prince Charles ears are a little big. So immediately I can tell Ryan is trying to play into the adorable factor that his size suggests. He actually answered "puppies" to one question. And then came a question and I think it was "name something you are proud of"... now me being jaded probably said something like, "being able to be a part of such a driven group of my fellow students." Which to the advisors made me look like a hero, but to two or three people who really knew me they thought it was incredibly funny. When the time came for Ryan to answer, he began to tell a story about how his neighbor is a single mother, because the father died of cancer. He told of how everyday in high school he would stop over and visit the child and help the mother with things like taking out the trash. And then he said and I remember this forever because I almost vomited. "the toughest part of being away at school is that I don't get to see him any more, and make sure he is okay. but I keep a picture of him" he took out his wallet "so that I can still keep him close." There were tears from a few of the girls, there were aahs. and although the room was completely dark I could tell that a few of my buddies and I were simoutaneously throwing up in our mouths. That night after the question round we had a big campfire. Everyone was in flannel PJ's and hooded sweatshirts. There on the opposite side of the fire as we told stories and jokes and laughed... was Ryan cuddling with a super-foxy junior sorority girl.
The moral of this story is the next week I signed up for Big Brothers... Just kidding. The moral of this story is that even altruistic people eventually use their good deeds for personal gain.
Why do I bring this up? not sure, but I think has something to do with reading an interview with Al Gore talking about the environment.

great moments in tv

Here is someone who deserves a medal. He cared enough to not just be a rote employee.

In the history of your life have you ever been interested when you ask someone at work how their vacation was, if you have already been to where they went to? In fact if I really think about there are only maybe 6 places that if someone from work went on vacation I would actually care about hearing about.

1. Antarctica (especially if they have pictures of adorable penguins... speaking of which what do you call a baby penguin.. a Chick? Don't know... hmm and only have one browser open so can't google...)
2. South Africa (because I really really want to go, and think in 10 years South Africa will be the new Australia)
3. Playboy Mansion (Curiosity Kills the Cat)
4. On a Game Show (Obvious)
5. Austin (only because everyone I have met that has been to Austin has a good Austin story, even moreso than New Orleans or Vegas)
6. Outer Space (Not because I would want to know what outer space was like, I have read books about it and besides getting to see the Earth (which is supper freaking cool) it actually sounds pretty boring otherwise.. I would want to find out so I could have ammunition to make fun of the person in a more clever way than the rest of the people whose little sense of humor would immediately go to hacky jokes about Missle Toe or Sex in Zero G's)

How to make a four item list
1. Start with the first item.
2. Move onto the next item
3. Bring in the next item
4. Then have one more item.
5. If you have one more item don't add it.

Three things as I am back in the home office after my one day jaunt to Chicago...

1. Slinger, you may or may not agree with me, but yesterday in that part of the world the weather was borderline perfection. Clear, Crisp skies, nice soft wind, and warm but not oppressive heat.
2. When I studied Finance in college I had this vision of what studying Finance meant. I soon learned that my vision and reality were sharply different. Client dinners and deal making was replaced with reconciling spreadsheets and meetings with no purpose other than to make everyone sound important. Sunday night we get to the hotel and I am with my Boss's boss's boss (which sounds impressive although theoretically as recently as two or three months ago he was my boss, so it only proves that they are layering people on top of me). So we are sitting there in the hotel bar looking over the report we were to present on Monday drinking scotch (which I know make me a poser, but when in Rome or Oak Brook, Illinois as it were). I looked around the rest of the bar and other people doing work and for a second my vision from sophomore year of college and reality were in sync. Then what we we went over included changing the font on the page numbers.
3. How awkward is it when someone you really like writes you an email that you normally would immediately mock and laugh at. For example a girl I once kinda saw in the pre-lake days would send "Happy Wednesday" emails. I am not going to say that was a dealbreaker or showstopper, but it didn't help the cause.

Often the Field and I disagree on what movie to go see. She wants either something in costumes or something where some oppressed person is being saved by someone who is really good. I usually want something either with a lot of Fart jokes, something that will mess with mind, or something where a lot of stuff blows up. Yesterday in a moment of weekness she agreed to go see Hot Fuzz. The new policey movie from the guys that made Shaun of the Dead. Fantastic movie and even better she enjoyed it too.

As a kid I remember loving the Naked Gun, Hot Shots types of movies. The nice development in the world of Parody is that we have been able to move beyong those kind of gag a minute type of things into creating "real-ish" movies that spoof the genre they are playing to while still creating an enjoyable movie. One could argue that Scream did this first, but when you get to stuff like Grindhouse and Hot Fuzz it takes that to the next level and makes it so enjoyable. Plus in the case of Hot Fuzz, the British are just so much funnier than us...

Someone at work said to me this morning that she wished she had known me when I was single... What does that mean?

If you ever wonder why there is an information super-highway look here.

Whenever I meet someone in New York who moved here from California I wonder why, and yet I really don't think I would ever want to live in California... Interesting Paradox.

Today's Poll, and please vote if you agree in the comments section:

When you are walking a public thoroughfare and happen to be walking at such a speed that you find yourself approaching a blind person, do you hesitate for half a second before you make your move to pass them? (And I am not talking about taking the time to make sure logistically you can pass them with no incidents, I am talking about a half second of moral struggle where you wonder if as a sighted person this is ethical to do.)

To me that half second is infinitely more troubling than when I turn down giving homeless people money.

Another one day trip to Chicago next week. Someday it's going to happen with enough time to visit Milleneum Park, Wrigley or at least get some of what they call pizza. (Although even as a New Yorker I can appreciate Chicago style pizza. The analogy, because you know I love them, is that New York Pizza is like Rudie Can't Fail by the Clash, it is a great rock and roll song. Chicago style pizza is like Rhiannon by Fleetwood Mac, a great song in and of itself, but not exactly a rock and roll song, even though at times it's played on a rock and roll station.) I think with Analogies like that I should be a food critic. Nothing would be better than writing a thousand words on Zuchinni and cucumbers. (The last sentence being the kind I could never write in 5th grade).

If I had a bunch of free time in the next few weeks I think I would write a movie about the following character. First day of college a guy goes out of his dorm to see that there is a really cool guy, who spent his whole summer learning how to play acoustic guitar. It's 1996. He knows how to play More Than Words, In Your Eyes, Elderly Woman. All these great songs, and he doesn't really play them well, but the women fall all over him. So our observer guy asks his over protective parents for a guitar for Christmas. We cut to Christmas and he gets it. He spends his entire Christmas break trying to learn how to play the guitar. Unfortunately since he is a bit dorky he gets back to college and its the middle of winter and he only knows how to play the Cure, REM, Blind Melon, Savage Garden, and the theme from Macgyver. One shy girl who spent her first semester trying to figure out what it takes to have boys notice her befriends him and they fall in love. Then however in the late Spring he become a hit because he learns how to play the Macerena and the Fugees and is invited to all the "cool" parties. The women want him, and he starts treating his dorkmate rudely. Then however one night as he is at a party he comes to his sense and across campus he runs until he gets to her dorm room guitar and hand and heroically plays her music that wins her back.

There is only a matter of time before 90's nostalgia comes back and I want to be there ready.