http://www.damninteresting.com/?p=417

This is one of those things in life that we have all experienced but have no idea that is actually a named experience.

I remember it happened a few years ago for me with the word nonplussed.

David Cross covers Bank of America guy covers U2

A couple of weeks ago I posted the original of the Bank of America guy singing One. Now David Cross, who is one of the funniest comedians out there, does a cover of the guy doing a cover. Meta-Genius

My friend, who I will call the Cliff, and I have a performance art piece we eventually want to do. The goal would be to find a bar in Manhattan with the following characteristics:

1. A Goldilocks amount of afternoon mid-week regulars (not too many and not too few)
2. A jukebox, the old kind that plays whatever songs are played and cannot be fast-forwarded
3. Lighting enough for some filming

The Cliff and the Lake would walk in and enjoy a beer. We then would put a dollar in the jukebox and play some standard bar type of songs (I am thinking Solsbury Hill, Layla (the original version), Rio by Duran Duran and Tom Sawyer by Rush). Rio would be our cue to go to the jukebox again. We then would put a five dollar bill into the machine hopefully inducing 25 songs. We then would pick REM's Everybody Hurts 25 times in a row and walk out. We would then film the next 75 minutes. If we then did this 10-20 times I think we could edit it together into at least a 84 minute documentary for Sundance.

I referenced Teen Wolf 2 Below. Someone could totally make a comedy about an affable werewolf now.

Imagine Vince Vaughn as a used car salesman/ladies man who finds out he is a Werewolf a few days before the President's Day Sale in Miami on a full moon. Fred Willard will be his taskmaster boss, Steve Carrell could be his overachieving rival (who in the end we find out is actually a Werehamster). The two female leads would be a werewolf hunter who is looking for a used Van, and the sweet werewolf scientist from the local University who is tracking down VV's character.

The Title: Dino Wolf and the President's Day Sale.

I have never been to either Alabama or Arkansas and yet if you were to ask me to describe a person from that state, there would be different descriptions. I wonder if people in Arkansas think the same about New Jersey and Pennsylvania?

Is there something that exists that you try for the first time or see for the first time and you ask yourself how could I have gotten this far with this not even hitting my radar?

My last nine in this Genre
1. Orange Tic-Tacs
2. Renegade South American Dictators
3. Wind Chimes
4. Highlighters in colors other than yellow
5. Teenwolf 2 (Jason Bateman)
6. That 197 is a prime number
7. Bicycles where the front tire is really big and the back is smaller
8. Edna St. Vincent Millay
9. Red Cabbage

Only 1 and 9 are true.

In defense of Rachael Ray

When I saw this headline on CNN, I immediately thought the byline was going to be somebody like Beatrice Ray or Eunice Ray or Rachael Ray Sr.

Here is the thing, there are two types of people that watch cooking shows, people who are food snobs and people who could give an undercooked capon's breast about cooking and just want to be entertained. The first watch all of those nap-inducing PBS shows like Julia Child or Greetings from the Boring Cooking School. The second love Iron Chef, Emerill, or Yan can Cook.

Rachael, appeals to neither. The first group immediately scoff and almost vomit their truffle infused rabbit when they hear her say the first ingredient is frozen tater tots. The second group almost vomit their third helping of Doritos dipped in Velveeta when they hear her, cat rolled over by a desk chair, voice.

I don't know why but certain celebrities annoy the Lake. Hilary Duff, Racheal Ray, the annoying uncle that did the Bullwinkle impersonations on Full House. That's fine, we all have our own preferences, shoot the Field hates Scarlett Johannson. If there are people who need defense it isn't RR, it's people who at least spell their first name correctly. Stay tune for my article entitled In Defense of Rabid Woodchucks from Arkansas (It's the first in a series).

Holiday Party tomorrow night.

Every Holiday Party I have ever been to has had the following characters from central casting.

1. Young Attractive Immigrant who wears something that in 2006 is borderline inappropriate, but in 1990 would have been completely inappropriate.
2. Married guy with 3-4 small kids who looks forward to this night starting in about July. Usually drinks a few too many Amstel Lights. Towards the end of the night spends too much time with number one.
3. Young male, recent college grad who still feels he needs to capitalize on an open bar to the point of at least one or two really awkward comments, but often to lead to enough beer courage for him to think the single 36 year old VP who still goes to the gym every day at lunch is into him.
4. The Dancing Geek. The guy who probably spent his entire high school years as Dungeon Master, his college years as late night college radio DJ and currently knows way to much about Spiderman 3, and yet somehow can dance.
5. The once bitten woman. You can immediately spot her by her mixing every other white wine with a glass of water. She promises herself that what happened in 2002 will never happen again.
6. The Greaser. The career climber who uses the truth serum of free Corona to try and pump you for any inside information you may have, that may help him strategically in the coming months.
7. The Ansel Adams. There is always one person, who I can guarantee isn't drinking, there with a camera. They usually email the pictures before work even starts the next day.
8. The Lake. The bitter guy who will over the course of the evening, estimate how much this is costing, be forced to dance, will end up in awkward run-ins with Senior Management in the bathroom, and wonder as always why do we have to have it on a Wednesday in November.

Is there anything better sleep wise, then waking up at 3AM feeling completely rested, but still being able to roll over and sleep for another four hours!

13 things you don't know about Pilgrims

1. All the women have two middle names
2. The buckles on their shows are tin
3. They believed in ghosts
4. One of their descendants is Brian Williams from NBC
5. Men could only bathe at night
6. They collected pine cones in hopes of one day inventing peanut butter and bird seed so they could make birdfeeders
7. They could only whistle by sucking in air not blowing out
8. They invented the hatchet, until them all axes were full size
9. The Canadian Pilgrims always felt second class, that's why they forced their Thanksgiving a month early.
10. This item was removed at the request of the National Pilgrim Association
11. The Pilgrams invented the word glacier
12. Jim Henson hated Pilgrams
13. Walla Walla Washington is named after an old Pilgram battle cry.

Happy T-Day.

I am sitting here at the lake, baking a carrot cake
The rain is coming, but I'm not bumming
For what starts today, is some time away
from dreary old Excel, and the office as well.

It was in 1620 when the meal wasn't plenty
on the Mayflower they came, seeking not fortune nor fame
but what we forget, is that a record was set
by a Pilgram named Pete, the chef of the fleet,

For on that cold night, he caused such a fright
for after his ale, he suddenly turned pale
He said to the guests, he had a few requests
"Be not alarmed, for none will be harmed

But I must remind ye, or what tomorrow will be
For in a short while, Children will seek a smile.
So all of you drink greatly, and please slumber lately.
Because I will be at Target, at 5:30 buying toys for little Ichobob and Gertie"

http://www.cnn.com/2006/TECH/science/11/20/polar.bears.ap/index.html

When the news covers bears they always cover Pandas. Polar Bears are by far my favorite bear. I heard a great story once of a guy sea kayaking up in the norther reaches of Canada. A Polar bear spotted him. Now Polar bears are always hungry and never give up when they can see their prey. The guy saw the polar bear and started paddling as the tide was going out so he made good time, but the bear was still there always in the horizon behind him chasing on land. Finally after 11 hours straight of paddling, riding the tide at first and fighting it as he grew tired, he did not see the bear for an hour. So he tied his Kayak to a larger ice floe and tried to sleep. It was the middle of the night and he thought if he were to land the kayak he would leave himself open to attack, but attached to a floe he would be ready to move in minutes time. He was asleep for about an hour when he heard the roar of a polar bear. It was about 100 yards from him. He paddled for 22 more hours straight with the polar bear getting as close as 50 yards and slipping as far as 500 yards away before he came upon a fishing village the bear was scared of. You don't find that kind of determination in a Koala or a Panda.

We got our new corporate mission statement today. One of the bullet points is

Never lose your sense of humor

In some small way reading that made me feel a little bit better about where I work. (now reread this last sentence with a heavy dose of smarmy sarcasm and you will realize I haven't).

I was going to post about my favorite Frasier episode because I thought it was about Thanksgiving, however my memory is shot and it is actually about Christmas

Episode 12: Miracle on Third or Fourth Street - Frasier is looking forward to his first visit from Frederick in time for Christmas, but when the visit is canceled, Frasier takes out his disappointment on his family. He and Martin end up having a vicious argument, and Frasier chooses to spend Christmas Day at the station rather than at work. After spending a day listening to Seattle's loneliest and most depressed people, Frasier trudges to a seedy diner for his Christmas dinner, but gets an unexpected boost of Christmas spirit from the regulars.

10 Things about North America

1. It is has a Sister Continent South America
2. When purchasing a Secret Santa gift it prefers Starbucks Giftcards
3. It often leaves it's cellphone charger in hotels and then gets upset with the hotel when it calls them to get them to mail them back
4. This weekend it is going to see Borat
5. It Tivo's Dancing with the Stars
6. It has planned a vacation for President's Weekend
7. It has to leave early today
8. It's son wants a Playstation 3 for breakfast
9. It had Subway for lunch today
10. It is Yellow

That actually isn't North America, that is everything I have learned about a new employee this week.

My immigration solution.

Give every citizen in the US a pass which upon turning 18 years old they could use to allow one person into the country. You get one your entire life and you get it when you sign up for Selective Service. Now you could use your one as you see fit. You could use it to go backpacking in Sweden and fall in love and get married and bring your wife back to Akron. You could use it to sell to a Greek Shipping Baron who would like to be allowed to work out of Houston. You could hold onto it in case you ever meet someone you feel should be allowed in the US. You could donate it to a refuge organization and let someone from East Timor move to the US to pursue a better life. You could use it however you would like, but you only get one.

Then we limit our immigration to political asylum seekers and those people who people in the United States are vouching for. I am sure somewhere in there this idea can be attacked as racist, sexist, discriminatory in some way, but then the current way of doing things could be attacked the same way.

Why I am Proud of the Field's Profession!

TIME magazine has come out with it's top 100 albums since some random date. One thing I like about lists like this is that you can immediately find one album that discredits the writers credentials so you never have to get to #100. If your list of top 100 albums includes the Eagles. I stop reading.

Today's Easy Word Jumble
Topic: Women's Names

Alicai
Lias
Tiffayn
Jlli
ollyP
essicaJ

Time Limit 15 Minutes.

One metaphor that I like to think of from time to time is the one of men in a foxhole in WWII. These men are young guys from small towns. They have traveled across the world to Europe or Asia to defend freedom. They sit at night in the foxhole telling each other that it will be okay, that tomorrow won't be the day they get killed, ambushed or lose a leg. It's a powerful image.

I was thinking about that image today, when I was sitting in a meeting. A meeting that never needed to happen, where everyone who attended just told everyone else what a great job they are doing (even if by all rational measures some of them are not). There weren't enough chairs so I had to sit on a table near the perimeter of the room, physically and psychologically apart from what was going on at the conference table. It made me feel better, because as much as they thought the conference table was a foxhole, it wasn't even close.

Today we have a Division Town Hall. Because of this I offer you the following Quiz

Please place in order of preference the following events

• Division Town Hall
• Being Sprayed in the eye with Windex
• Broken Zippers
• Red Dye Number 4
• Marbury vs. Madison
• Redbook (yes the magazine)
• Black Licorice

Good Luck!

If you have read half of any of my posts, you know that grammer is not one of my stronger suits. With that as an intro, one thing that is interesting to me is the number of people who use "did" wrong. I joke with one of my friends about this, but lately I have heard people who have strong educations from very good schools who would never write a sentence such as

George had did his chores so he could play his oboe freely.

but speak sentences such as

Lucy had did her gorilla feeding, so now we could walk to the ice cream shop.

4 Knock Jokes Involving Elms

Knock Knock
Who's there
Elm
Elm Who
Elmer Fudd

Knock Knock
Who's there
Elm
Elm Who
Elmentary my Dear Watson

Knock Knock
Who's there
Elm
Elm Who
El M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

Knock Knock
Who's there
Elm
Elm Who
Elm Trees from the Park

NY has been passed as well by my wife. Although I think for cutesy blog purposes I am now going to refer to her going forward as the Field. Because the Field is what is next to the Lake.

Three interesting things about Houston.

1. Nobody walks anywhere.
2. I spent the most I ever had on a haircut in the Galleria mall. Normally I get my haircut by an Israeli barber who works in the nooks and cranies of the subway for 9 bucks. I needed to get my hair cut for the wedding. I go to one of those Salons in the mall. 30 bucks. I will say this, they did something that revolutionized how I feel about haircuts. What is the worst part of the haircut. Walking around with bits of cut hair in your doo, until you can shower. Well this place. Washed your hair, cut it. Then when they were done, re-washed it, so all the hair was out, and then styled it. Great idea.
3. I think I could get used to being able to swim in November.

For the three people that know my wife and also read the Lake.. She passed the Bar on the first try in NJ. I don't know who is more relieved.

I love when someone older gets email for the first time. It's like all of a sudden it's 1997 again and for a few weeks I get a bunch of emails about:

1. How Bill Gates will send me $100
2. How Men are like Library Books and Women are like Toothbrushes
3. How Sunscreen causes blindness
4. Jokes where the punchline is "Oh I thought you meant the Pasta Maker"
5. Poems about the importance of loving your life
6. Lists of Jokes by Stephen Wright

Then eventually the novelty of sharing kilobyte after kilobyte of crappy information wears off and they finally figure out what the digital in digital camera means and I start to get pictures about peoples kids and pets who I will never meet.

A creative writing teacher once quoted someone as saying, "Sorry for the long letter, if I had more time it would have been shorter". The bandwith the internet provides allows for great things like blogs (especially ones from lonely cubicle jockey's) but it also allows for people to forward the same 9 forwards around again and again. To each their own.

Great line from over at the Daily Gut...

Rumsfeld's replacement, Robert Gates, is a former CIA chief (back when that
meant something) and a close friend of the Bush family. This is good, as Rove
won't have to waste time briefing him on how they pulled off 9/11.

The Office on NBC has done something incredible. It has taken a show I loved, redone it, and made it into something I love equally as much. Think about how nearly impossible that task is to do.

Imagine you go to a restaurant and order Filet Mignon, that cook then gives his recipe to another cook at another restaurant and you go and order it again, what are the chances that it tastes as good as the first time? close to impossible.

Imagine your favorite band records the best song you have ever heard, then they give their notes and lyrics to another band and that band records the song again and you love it just as much. (I know what you are thinking there are versions of cover songs you like better than the original... but that is liking better. In the cover song debate one always wins out)

Add to the degree of difficulty that arguably The Office is top 5 television writing examples ever.

Ten years from now we will look back at the show with wonder.

9 Things I Don't think about as Much as I Once Did

1. Exponents
2. Swords
3. Death by Meteor Shower
4. Led Zeppelin
5. Batman
6. Velcro Alternatives
7. Alphabetical Order
8. Jen Warner
9. Radio Shack

Told you so

I know a few people that work at Bank of America and I love their passion.

Unfortunately I don't know this guy.



one bank on Vimeo

In recent days my boss, her boss and a colleague of my poss have all said they are moving on. I said to my boss's boss's boss with all these people leaving we should bring back "xxxx" an awful employee from our past.

His response, "It's not so much that they are leaving as they are going someplace else. Think of it as us increasing our virtual team".

This weekend I am going to Houston. If Daylight Savings time makes me grumpy traveling one time zone over does too. I realize what I am about to type is impossible but given the following circumstances imagine that I was given a business trip to visit Chicago. Additionally on the planet Earth there are two duplicate Chicagos. One is located where London is located and one on the shores of Lake Michigan. Other than that for the intentions and purposes that I need to visit it doesn't matter which one I go to. Additionally to get to both Chicagos I can take a mode of transportation that would place me at my hotel in the exact same amount of time. Everything is the same, weather, food, experience, buildings, except that one is an hour behind my normal timezone of Eastern. The other is the five hours plus that London is. I hate so much the one hour shift that I would visit the one in London.
To me if you jolt your body something substantial, sure it screws you up for a day or half a day or whatever, but then you are over it. Where as the one hour just teases you for the whole time you are there. Time for dinner, nope wait an hour. Boy must be time to get up. Nope only sleep another 60 minutes schmuck. Boy I am getting tired. Welp its only 10PM.
I think its this predisposition that makes it a good think that I am not one of those no wrinkle suit wearing airport warriors and am instead a cubicle jockey.

Opportunity N.: What a corporation tells you before they make you work long hours for the same money and more headaches and eventually bring in someone from the outside for a lot more money who is less capable

Four Reasons Why You shouldn't vote.

1. Mathematically your vote doesn't matter.
2. I hate when people say if you don't vote you can't complain. Well if you do vote it's your fault. Always choose silence over guilt.
3. Old women who check your name off lists, scare your.
4. Not a US citizen.

Four Reasons why you may want to vote
1. To impress the hip girl with the "Stop Bush button standing by your polling station"
2. Nothing better to do
3. Finally see what the inside of town hall looks like
4. You like Jury Duty

Four Reasons why you should definitely vote
1. Girlfriend is running for office
2. Mother checks names off the list
3. You own a voting booth rental company
4. As an Alibi.

Every time I read about Hugh Jackman, I think of a sideshow star called Huge Akman.

Similarly the former Baywatch star Donna D'errico I thought she was Donna D. Erico.

Similarly Kate E. Holmes.

I don't think such things however about Michael J. Fox I know it's not Michael Jayfox. I also don't think that Ann B. Davis Ann Bea Davis.

Here is what I don't understand. If you admit no wrong doing then why do you resign?

The excuse of "for the greater good" is BS. The greater good is always the truth.

Genius!

7 Other Myspace Idiots

1. Ted Wilkerton - Posted a picture of Brad Pitt with his head superimposed on Top
2. Jane Walsh - Said she was a fan of Wilco and The Arcade Fire to seem more hip
3. Dr. Phillip Walzman DDS - Posted pictures of clients teeth without their permission, but left their names on the caption
4. Fred Bustman - Posted in his Myspace blog that he completely cheated on his Algebra II mid-term even though one of his buddies was Ralph Gerner president of the Martin Luther King Jr. National Honor Society
5. Reverand Henry Porter - Referred to Sunday's Gospel as being from Luke when it was Mark.
6. Steve Walker - Has a screen name of MuscleMan74, even though he can only bench press 145 pounds
7. Stacy Walker - Has a screen name of BikiniModel 78, even though she wears a one piece when she goes to the tanning salon

I have the start of a zit on my nose.
Also this morning my voice cracked.
I also heard Bon Jovi this morning on the Radio.

I am one sweaty palmed slow dance away from being me at age 12.

Proof that the Chinese are Smart

Last summer I went down to Atlantic City on a Saturday night to play some poker with my roommate. We play all day, I am up like $200 and have quite a number of cocktails. We decide to get up from the table and walk around and see the sights. Not 10 minutes later, I run into someone from work. First, she is dressed nothing like she does at work. She is dressed to go out and pick up a guy. Second, we immediately, independently realize we need to acknowledge each other. There was a noticible pause followed by an awkward hug/kiss hello. I wish that was an isolated incident. Here are some estimated statistics.

Percentage of Females I know I am on a hug hello/hug goodbye basis: 50%
Percentage of Males: 4%
Percentage of Females occassionally there is a hug involved 20%
Males: 3%
Percentage of Hugs per year that are not awkward: 50%
Percentage excluding my wife: 98.3%

In the end my thoughts on Hugs:
Aunt at a family reunion - Fine.
Mom on Mothers Day - Fine
Softball Teammate after winning the league championship - Okay but you must also tap their shoulder very forcefully
Friends Girlfriend or ex-co worker - You should just be able to nod your head as if to indicate "Yes, I acknowledge we know each other & yes it is good to see you again, but also we don't need to press each others bodies near each other to prove that"

No Grunting

Here is the Lake's 7 Things you should also never hear at the Gym

1. Debbie Gibson so loud you can hear it over a person's headphones
2. Anyone on the Stairmaster talking on their cell phone about their bowel movements
3. Rachael Ray on the TV
4. Someone on the Treadmill working the rosary beads
5. The fart sound that is made when someone in a sweaty T-shirt does sit-ups on a rubber mat
6. Any man with a shaved chest who talks about "enjoying the burn" of benchpressing 500 pounds
7. The cry of a man whose personal trainer whacked him with a medicine ball in the crotch

The girl who sits right next to me is my kryptonite. She is such a genuinely nice person that I can't even respond sarcastically to such gimme's as:

• Does anyone have a need for extra ice skating tickets?
• Is anyone else sad about Reese and Ryan?
• I am collecting money for homeless dogs does anyone want to contribute

In college I had a boss who was all Unicorns, Puppies, and Cupcakes. She would dot her i's with stars and hearts. She owned every Disney movie. She would tell us how great we were. She would email us inspirational thoughts. She would take interest in our personal lives. She really seemed like she cared. Then one day I needed to do something. It wasn't a big thing, but it would mean that I would miss watching Dawson's Creek or where she was making lasagna for everyone. Immediately she turned, the sweetness was completely drained. It was all a ruse. It was all a sham. She was faking it all. She was still my boss so I still had to play some of the reindeer games, but on the inside and in asides with colleagues I mocked it all. Somewhere though I still have the sticker she gave me "Who I am Makes a Difference". Yeah Okay.

But now the girl sitting next to me is so altruistic, so earnest, so sincere that I just can't mock. In a way it is refreshing, in a way it is a nice change from my first instinct to be snarky, in a way it is completely frustrating. Besides all of that, the homeless dogs of New York are now 5 dollars richer.

This is a horrible story. First it is horrible for the kids, but then it is horrible for Duct Tape which for many years has had a very positive influence on childrearing.

For Example.

1977. I was one, and received a ball of Duct Tape as a pacifier
1979. In a fit of alcoholic rage Cindy Winslow's father rips the head off of her stuffed Walrus, Mr Wum-Wum. He tapes it back on with Duct Tape
1981. Leornard Mack uses Duct Tape to strap in his child Pete's carseat as the 1974 Pinto station wagon has broken seatbelts
1985: While taking his son Rex to a topless bar, and not wanting to expose his child to the debauchery, Rex Sawyer puts a Duct Tape blindfold on little Eddie.
1987. Instead of sending his daughter Lucy to summer camp for soccer, Gene Reynolds Duct Tapes a Soccer Ball to the clothesline and has her practice kicking
1991. Mrs. Porter uses Duct Tape on the front door when her daughter does not make her 10:45 curfew
1995. Ned Cole uses Duct Tape to attach his son's "F" on a paper about the Scarlet Letter to his chest for an entire Saturday

As someone who has on many occasasions tried to say something funny or biting and had it not be perceived with the same sense of humor or cleverness that it did in my head before I said it, people need to give Kerry a break.