TALES FROM THE AIRPORT

1. Yesterday, I really have wanted since being over here to get a Yankees hat. The official kind they wear on the field (say that I am poseur that's fine... I am a lot of imperfect nouns). Anyhow I have a lifetime to kill at the airport and there is a lids or whatever. So I walk into the store and the person working behind the counter is a "pat". I can't tell if its a girl or a guy. Basic description: Jeans and a uniform T-shirt, super skinny, shortish hair under a cap. two earrings in each ear. Voice that sounds like it could go either way. So I ask for the biggest Yankees hat they have it doesn't fit. So I say, "thanks man" to which SHE now replies, "Actually I am a woman".

2. I later have to do the pre-flight visit to my other office. So I walk into the rest room. Completely empty. So I go into the Handicap stall. Not to go into too much detail, but it took a little bit of time. So I finish and walk and guess what, two people in wheelchairs are lined up waiting for me.

Valerie Tagged me...so follow along and learn something

1. Post the rules before you give your answers.

2. List one fact about yourself beginning with each letter of your middle name. If you don't have a middle name, use your maiden name or your mother's maiden name.

3. At the end of your blog post, tag one person (or blogger of another species) for each letter of your middle name. Be sure to leave them a comment telling them they've been tagged.

Jello-mold. Are you ready for the most unmasculine post of the blogs storied life. When the field is down in the dumps I make her Jello-mold. its simple, costs about 5 dollars, and always comes out tasting well and usually both the taste and my effort prove that i am a halfway decent guy to her and that puts her in a better mood... (note this is better for "she had a bad day at work" surprise, than the "i said i would be home at 7 and come home at 9:30 having been at the bar with the guys" surprise that requires me to have 1-800-flowers in my fave five... (which is clearly a joke since 1800-flowers is a free call, and its not a hard number to remember)
Ingredients:
2 Apples
Bag o' nuts (preferably wal)
one container of red jello (i know red is not a color, but pick a flavor that looks red, i prefer the mix of blackberry and raspberry)
1 can of jellied cranberry sauce


Recipe

1. make the jello per instructions, but as you are mixing the jello crystals also mix in the entire can of cranberry.
2. let jello set for 2-2.5 hours
3. mix in nuts and diced apples
4. let set for another 2 hours
5. Garnish with cool whip or other topping.

Organism/orgasm - Not really about me, but every biology teacher in the US must get excited for the day in class you start talking about Organisms and see how many goofballs say Orgasm instead. I think that is the only reason I would ever want to be a Biology teacher. Number one reason I wouldn't - dealing with uppity teenagers who take it on as their cause that they are not going to dissect the frog.

Hulu - when i was home i looked at it, realized it may be the greatest site ever, and it isn't available in the UK.

New Jersey, a lot of people make fun of, but being back there this past weekend, reminded me about what a great place it is. There is no place like home.

Wow a recipe and Wizard of Oz reference, not that there is anything wrong with that...

so the last two weeks i have been from London to Munich to New Jersey to heading back to London tonight some fun stuff to report.

5 highlights

1. The dump came to Easter Dinner. I must say the Dump in mixed company should really be referred to as the Landfill.
2. Nobody drinks like the British, on an afternoon flight the guy to seated next to me put away 6 or 7 beers on the flight. He was in his mid thirties, professional. My states, puritanical background thinks this may be extreme, I don't know if the British do.
3. In a moment of interesting cinematic choice, the field and I went and saw Never Back Down, which is pretty much a shot for shot redo of the Karate Kid, with better fight scenes but worse acting, storytelling and factors of interest.
4. If I found out tomorrow that I was going to die in 30 days and could not spend time with friends and family, I might choose to spend that time in Munich. It's like New Orleans was pre-Katrina, Good food, Good beer, people in good moods, decent weather and a lot of the people speak a language I don't understand.
5. I feel like Lost is building itself up to either be the greatest show ever or a major let-down.

more to come...

The closest I think I will ever get to going through a time warp is when I am using a toilet paper and somehow I am unrolling instead of the top and bottom of a set of two-ply, I am unrolling the bottom of one and the top of the level below. Only happens every few years but when it does it is memorable.

Phenomenal

Before there was Matt Damon or Ben Affleck

Eliot Spitzer... a few comments

1. In college I remember there was a group cleverly, (although I am guessing a professor thought this up) called Bacchus. (Bacchus being the god of wine... unlike Steve Urkel who is the god of whine)... yes I just made an Urkel joke, its taking me a few days to get fully back in the blogging Swing. Anyhow Bacchus was one of those awful acronyms that just doesn't really make sense. I think it was something awful like Behind all college consumption healthy University students. The thing was they would have these parties with mocktails (fancy drinks that help guys who couldn't find a girl to make-out with even less successful). They were the ones who aided the feminist club in espousing the real but over hyped dangers of date rape. They wore Tee-shirts with things like, I can have fun sober. I remember my first semester Freshman year thinking about these people suck. I was mature enough to know that there was some validity to their cause, but I also knew that the only people who joined this club, were guys whose wrap was being sensitive, and girls who weren't hot enough to get into a good sorority. It was only after a few weeks, that my initial judgment was sullied even worse. The members of Bacchus were the biggest boozers and sluts on campus. Which brings me to my point... the people who preach the loudest are hiding the most.
2. The libertarian in me is reminded of George Carlin, If selling is legal, and a word that rhymes with ducking is legal, then how come selling ducking isn't legal.
   
3. The former 13 year old boy in me can't wait to see the photo of this woman. If he was willing to risk so much, she better look like Jessica Alba's prettier sister.
4. What I do know, is that if Spitzer was client number 9, there are a lot of guys out there that are praying for two things a) that there name isn't implicated b) that if their name is implicated they don't get known as client number 792.

When it comes down to it what is the most humbling object in the universe?

A whistle on a lanyard. Think about it. When you hold a whistle on a lanyard you could think "ooh I could blow into this and make a loud sound." However, are any of us truly optimistic enough to see that totally utilitarian view of the whistle? The answer is obvious.

Instead when said object is in our hands we immediately realize our own imperfections with more clarity than a 20X mirror. Sure we could try and swing the lanyard around our index finger allowing the centrifugal force to spin the whistle like a plastic tilt-a-whirl. Each revolution only deepens the glaring fact that we are not nor will ever be as cool as a lifeguard at a public swimming area.

We could also put said whistle around our neck, wearing it like a crucifix presented to an Italian boy on his first communion. We can stand tall and proud with shorts and ankle socks, and a windbreaker with no lining, but we will never have the simultaneous real and inflated power that a J.V. soccer coach.

When i most think about the whistle though is when it comes time for me to make a decision. Like all of us mortals, my decision making process often is filled with hawwing and hemming. Do I go see Juno or do I go see Rambo. Like all people who struggle with life, the emotion I feel the most is congnative dissonance, that feeling that the decision you just made is the wrong one. Often on lazy sunday's or rainy wednesdays I think about my decision making role models. The people who can make decisions in instants and then stand behind them with more confidence than a wolf in a chicken coup for the blind. I am of course talking about referees, but in particular soccer and basketball. They stand before us often in black, the sports equivalent of Johnny Cash, and who could not imagine a referee orderring foul shots or penalty kick in Reno just to watch a man die. The referee has his whistle and blows it with such authority. Their decision stands.

Sorry to write such a depressing piece

2 things that don't come in pairs but should:

1. Pears
2. Twin beds

Two stereotypes about Americans that I cannot understand

1. They assume we all bowl, a lot.
2. They think we all have guns

I have resigned myself to explaining to people that the way the fingerholes get into bowling balls is we shoot them.

Maybe I am out of the loop, but is this the longest we have gone in 10 years without a major starlet either announcing she was pregnant, getting a DUI, or being caught in a sex tape. It has to be close to 17 days.

Is there anything more awkward then someone who doesn't like public speaking, being really really nervous in a situation where there is no need to?

My favorite thing I read today. I guess the creator of Dungeons and Dragons died. A commenter on the Daily Gut said "He did more to stop people from getting laid than AIDS. Wrong yes, sick yes, funny absolutely. I was just on this side of dorkiness to never get into D&D, I remember playing a few times with someone who was more nerdy than I was. There were about six guys in a basement, the kind of basement where there were a lot of Legos and drawing tables, and not the kind of basement where there was a VCR, Animal House tapes and posters of girls in bikinis. My friend Warren and I were so bored with making up characters and deciding if they should be wizards or paladins or archers. So we cheated and when we rolled to see what our agility and stuff was we always rolled a 6 or 8 or 16 depending on the dice. So when it came time for our mission we flew through it and we were able to use deflection spell and actually ended up killing one of our friend's friend characters. We were never invited back.

as George Costanza once said.... I'm back baby...

I am in London, doing well... and because it annoys me. Here are five things every person under the age of 35 talks about who is American but living in London, that I will say this once and never talk about again:

1. It's weird getting used to change that can actually buy real things. The 2 pound coin is worth almost 4 dollars.
2. It stinks that pubs close at 11 PM, but in some ways thats a good thing too.
3. The pizza sucks, we get it.
4. Eventually you get used to the fact that roast chicken is not just a dinner that Mom would make, it is also a potato chip flavor.
5. There are only so many Friends episodes you can watch before you miss real TV.