5 Disappointments from 2006

1. My attempts to write the definitive book on alchemy failed. Although I was able to turn tin into an erasable pen, which proves to be fairly useless.
   
2. My Ninja Training was stalled again this year. This is due to the fact that every time I pick up a nunchuck I somehow nail myself in the testicles and end up crying and asking for Mommy. She doesn't answer so I play her podcast over and over on my I-pod until I can stand again.
3. Superman and Rocky returned and yet nobody even thinks about making a sequel to Secrets of the Ya-Ya sisterhood. There have to be more secrets.
   
4. It is still unproven that Ziggy is not a hermaphrodite.
5. Still no leg hair.
   

Slinger posted this
Thought I would answer for him.

Top 10 questions for the transition from '06 to '07

1. Which cable news channel will have the best "2006 In Review" ? Al-Jazeera
2. Which network will have the lamest New Years Eve bash? Lifetime (A marathon of girl gets date-raped movies hosted by Judith Light)
3. Why do people feel the need to say "See you next year!" and think it is clever? All of them
4. How many times will Pam Anderson get married/divorced in 2007? None this is the year she gets her act together
5. When will the media realize that we don't care what Paris and Lindsay are doing at the clubs? Never because people do care... and that's the sadder point.
6. Will K-Fed make a comeback? Well that assumes he ever came in the first place. (There is a joke about having four kids with three mothers in there, but my post below about the obvious joke refuses my right to make it)
7. How many more terms will G.W. come up with in 2007 to avoid using the word "Civil War" in Iraq? 34, but it will take him until November because originally he will think a Thesaurus is the one with three horns that Fred used as a dishwasher in the Flintstones
8. How will O.J. Simpson spend his new year? Searching for the Real Killer and Sudoku
9. Will Hollywood realize that Russell Crowe is a jackass, and his window of fame is closed? Yes but he threw a telephone through the window so now technically it is still open
10. Could 2007 possibly be a year without having to attend a wedding? The odds are good! Impossible. Right now every man's significant other is looking to make friends with someone who is close to getting married.

I went to a TGIfridays last night for the first time in probably 3 years or so. I don't eat at Chain restaurants (except for Hooters and only on Ladies Night) normally. I once made an argument maybe even here that I would rather eat a crappy meal than a mediocre meal. Here is the thing though is I can understand why TGIFridays works. The food is reasonably priced and they have a lot of mixtures of flavors that if I were to be on the Family Feud and the category was "Foods that the typical American likes" I would guess. Then the wait staff is filled with the kind of kids who if the drama club put on a performance of Grease wouldn't play Sandy or Danny, but would have been the attractive members of their crews. It creates this nice illusion of fun. It creates a feeling of satisfaction. If TGIFridays was a TV show it would be King of Queens. There may be over the course of the duration one or two highlights, one or two lowlights, but most of it is on the good side of mediocrity.

I think that says something about America, especially when every other chain including 3 or 4 that I have never heard of are within a 5 minute drive from where we were. As someone who struggles with capital "C" Corporations on a daily basis, I think when I eat at TGIFriday's I am not part of the solution, I am part of the problem. I could never get that far because I was distracted by music I think I like, by 85 menu items, Free refills, by a waitress that looked like Katie Holmes before she got weird. And here is my grand point, thats what the best corporations do, they overload your senses. At Fridays' they give you food that is just good enough, mixed with alcohol, prices just reasonable enough, seats that are comfortable, etc,etc. And your employers do the same. They pay you just enough, they give you benefits that are just enough, work that is challenging just enough, bullshit that is just enough, Then they mix in enough fear and blame.

And don't even get me started on Quizno's.

IS there anything more awkward when someone must have had killed with a joke with some other crowd, but then meets up with another group that is more sophisticated, (the group that you are a part of, since obviously Lake readers are smart). The person tries it once and it gets a few nods of acknowledgement. Then, though, like Hercules rolling up the ball or some other metaphor for persistance, they keep trying it, thinking that the people are not seeing the genius in the joke, when really the joke just wasn't that clever.

To me one of the unfunniest things in the world, more unfunny than death of Presidents, disease, unrhyming couplets and leafblowers with their motor burned out is when someone makes the obvious joke instesad of seising that moment to put some spin on the backhand or English on the cue ball to make the more interesting play.

What incident in particular am I referring to, well there are too many to name...

2 Statistic questions that I wonder...

1. How do suicide hotlines calculate their success rate?
2. Are colorblind people more or less racist than the general population?

James Brown, Gerald Ford... if I was a famous person with a one syllable last name whose vowel is an "o", I would probably wait for the light to change before crossing the street.

Rest in peace.

The Lake is Catholic, the Field is Protestant. So This was my first time celebrating Chirstmas at their service. The big difference, the Protestants never met a verse they didn't sing.

It is supposed to hit 60 degrees today in New York City. Here at the lake we just got some popsicles and Gatorade to leave out for Santa.

I am exhausted.

Update: Update: I feel like Jerry Seinfeld when he gets the Royalty Checks from the Super Terrific Happy Hour. Do you know how hard it is to write 25 checks?

Update: My Yankee Swap/ White Elephant Gift is 25 one dollar checks. I called my bank this morning and I have no check fees.

And done.

Why if I was on the Price is Right and the first showcase has a new car I will always take it...

In January of 2000, my roommate and I got a flyer in our mail saying that a dumpy casino in Atlantic City had midweek rates of 26 dollars a night. We, at the time, were pretty much gambling on everything. It was perfect. We both get home from work and drive the 3 hours to get there. We stay up all night winning lots of money and having a too many Gin and Tonics. Finally, as the sun was coming up we call it a night, get a few hours of sleep. We then grab some breakfast and head over to another casino and win. Not a huge amount but we are probably both up 600. We grab a late lunch and decide to head home. As we are heading to the car, while still in the casino we see a place where you can get a back rub for a dollar a minute. We both kind of look at each other and say why not. So we walk in. The person at the counter says 10 dollars minimum. We so fine. Out comes this absolutely gorgeous Asian woman. I defer her to my roommate, assuming that if she is this good whoever is number two has to be at least equally good. Then comes out this guy who looks like the informant in a bad Kung Foo movie. He says in broken English "you here" pointing at his chair. I responded, "No I'll just wait for her" He says, "No worry I be good." I didn't want to offend so I sat down. For the first minute I was incredibly self-conscious that this man was rubbing my back. Then for the next nine minutes I half relaxed and thought about how my Roommate was enjoying the Jukebox, the Trip to Tahiti and the New Car, and I was stuck with kitchen furnature, a bumper pool table and a dune buggy. So if I ever go the Price is Right and get to the Showcase Showdown and the first one has a car, I am going for that one, because the second one sometimes is better but can often be worse.

The hot new thing as least in my sphere if influence is pine cones scented with cinnamon that you put out like potpourri in your house. We have some and I know of at least three other places that have them. At first it is nice, but after a few days your house begins to smell like the bathroom of my freshman dorm after someone drank way too much Goldschlager.

Thoughts on the Holiday Season

1. When is PETA going to get on Santa's case for the reindeer?
2. Are there any other Nogs? Why don't we have Bread Nog or Grape Nog or Carrot Nog?
3. Where are all the pretty girls when I walk by mistletoe. I think my record is Aunt Millie 40 times, Young, pretty, unrelated girls never.
4. These "Elves" what do they get paid, what are their working conditions like? It sounds like the biggest labor scam since Kathie Lee and Nike hired kids at pennies a day.
5. When will there be an E True Hollywood Story on Cindy Lou Who?
6. Six geese a laying, Four calling birds, Three French Hens, Two turtle doves And a Partridge in a pear tree, I fully admit that I know nothing about what women want, but I have got to believe it is not their own flying zoo.
7. If I had to chose, I think I would choose Comet to guide my sled, Prancer to decorate it, and Blitzen to be the bartender at the after party... it just seems right.
8. What fun is it in the middle of winter to ride in a one horse open sleigh? I have to think, its snowing out and cold, give me a 3 or 4 horse closed sleigh away from the cold and the smell of horses. Sit in there and enjoy a mug of Grape Nog? Now... Oh what fun.
9. What is Boxing Day?
10. When is Santa going to be on Springer? A big Fat guy that lives in the middle of nowhere, works one day a year and has a bunch of midgets running around, Its either Springer or a Kid Rock Video.
11. He sees you when you're sleeping, he knows when you're awake. Is that Santa or the Bogeyman?
12. Has any one ever tasted a second bite of Fruitcake?
13. You know who had a lot of patience, Mary. She has just given birth to the Savior of the world. She is shacked up in some barn with animals and three guys on camels. All she probably wants to do is put baby Jesus to sleep and get some sleep herself. But then comes allong this scrappy little kid with a drum. Now I know nothing about raising children, but I think I know that new born children probably don't react well to professional drummers. I mean if Max Weinberg or the one armed guy from Def Leopard were there I would guess you would not want them playing, but to ad insult to injury here is a little boy wiith a drum who probably sounds like Animal from the Muppets on Coke playing his drums as a gift. And Mary lets him do it and even somehow gets Jesus to smile at the boy.
14. Do they still make Mangers?

Yes Today is the Reflections From the Lake Holiday Spectacular and One Day Sale. But first a musical observation that maybe only I care about.

The beginning to Neil Diamond's Cherry, Cherry is very very similar to beginning of John Cougar Mellencamp's R.O.C.K in the USA.

What I always wondered was R.O.C.K an acronym and if so for what?

One of the Vice-Presidents pegged me yesterday as surely one of the people who brings a gag gift for our Yankee Swap thing on Thursday. There is nothing further from the truth. I usually give wine or alcohol, at least that way if they drink it fast enough on Christmas Eve they can position me in a good light. The problem with Gag gifts are that they are never really that funny. What is funny about a coffee mug that says "World's Worst Boss" or a Staples "Easy" Button. We have a 25 dollar limit to this adventure in unfun (and I don't say that because I am a Grinch), but honestly what is fun about buying something only to exchange it for something you would never buy? Anyhow, yesterday combining this VP's assumption that I was a gag-gifter and my own thoughts on what to purchase I came up with Reflections of the Lake Gag Gift For the Yankee Swap Buying Guide

1. Copies of the books Resumes and Interviewing Skills for Dummies
2. 25 Dollars worth of Rape Whistles and Mace
3. A years subscription of National Geographic
4. A 25 dollars savings bond (in Canadian currency)
5. A coupon that says you will give that person whatever you won in the Yankee Swap
6. 25 one dollar gift certificates to 25 different stores
7. 25 dollars worth of bottles of sparkling non-alcoholic grape juice.
8. DVDs of United 93 and World Trade Center
9. An offering to pay 25 dollars of their next Cable Bill
10. A Gap Gift Card

One minute movie review. The Field and I went and saw, For Your Consideration, the new Christopher Guest movie. Guest departed from his mockmunetary style to form more of a narrative. I don't know if this suited his improvised style. There are some funny moments. Fred Willard is as always a genius. But at the end of the movie we looked at each other and said, thats it.
The lake gives it 2 and half billion out of 5 billion stars. (I would show you the associated graphic but it takes too long to load)

9 Everyday products and their inventor

1. The Napkin, Robert Napkin
2. The Computer, Rex Comp and Linda Puter
3. CNN. Charles Nathan North
4. Thermostats Poppy Thermostat
5. Doors, Lewis Dornberg
6. Ben and Jerry's Ice Cream, Oliva Ben and Felix Jerry
7. Jackets, John It
8. Yellow, Hector Yallow
9. Apathy at work, the founder of the modern corporation Henry Ford

Yesterday I had a passion-fruit margarita at a going away lunch for a co-worker. It was delicious but I don't think it helped my street cred.

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Today's Obvious Business Tip of the Day.

If given the choice to be a jerk or be nice: choose being a jerk.

Can anyone recommend a book written in Second Person?

I read Bright Lights, Big City.

4 Ways that Gingerbread Cookies are better than the New York Times Arts and Leisure Section

1. Gingerbread Cookies do not annoyingly address celebrities by their title such as Mr. Mrs. Ms., Dr. or Rev. When I read an article that refers to Mr. Pitt I think of Elaines boss on Seinfeld or whatever they call Dr. Pepper in the south, not the first part of Brangelina
2. Gingerbread cookies liked Borat
3. Gingerbread cookies take a week to be stale.
4. Gingerbread cookies only leave crumbs on your hands, which can be removed by brushing your hand against your corduroys allowing the crumbs to fall to the ground. The New York Times Arts and Leisure section leaves newsprint which require a visit to a sink with soap appropriate for washing hands.

Obvious Business Tip of the Day

One way to propel your career. When all the people in the office pool money together for one of those lottery pools, don't buy in. When they win, you will be the only person sticking around to do the work and will have to get a promotion.

Ding-Dong

So we have an office in Chicago. Actually somewhere north of Chicago.

For six months I have been slated to visit the folks who work there. It was originally sold to me as we go out there, do the meeting on a Wednesday, Wednesday night we spend in the Windy City, Thursday we catch a game at Wrigley, and then catch a flight home and then if we are too tired, work from home on Friday. Sounded like a nice trip.

Now I am going the first week in January where I heard the weather forecast is -44 with a wind chill of absolute zero. The good thing is that I have a whole slate of trips set up in 2007

In April I am going to visit our office in Malaysia in the rainy season
In July I am going to visit Costa Rica in the Malaria season
In August we have a three day offsite on the Sun.
In October I have to visit our Tuscon office when Tucson doesn't have gravity or change for twenties.

The new year is going to be spectacular.

5 Topics I would like to write a poem about but am too busy. Which may or may not be inspired by thumbing through an old yearbook recently.

1. About how the color of the sky moments before the sun crosses the horizon at sunrise is the most beautiful color in the world, and how it's a shame that so few people ever get to experience it on a regular basis; and use that as a metephor for my performance in the sixth grade Science fair
2. About a caterpillar who dies before she gets to be a butterfly. I want this to be a portrait of my crush on my Seventh grade English teacher.
3. About a windchime and the sound it doesn't make on a windless day, and the yearning it feels. This would be an expression of how I used to feel in Confirmation class in eighth grade when the teacher would play her Gordon Lightfoot records to teach us about Jesus.
4. About a Porcupine that has no quills and therefore cannot fall in love. This would be about my experience in the ninth grade when people wore a those baggy MC Hammer pants all the time, but I once wore a Christmas sweater to a dance. I was trying to look handsome not cool. Little did I know that 14 year old girls have no interest in Handsome.
5. About the small amount of time between when a person hears a bone snap and break and they start to scream. About the time in tenth grade Sociology class when I got a 52 on a test about "Brave New World".

6 Ways that Gingerbread Cookies are not helping OJ find the Real Killer

1. Gingerbread Cookies are neglecting their forensic science courses in favor of being shaped into houses.
2. Gingerbread cookies are busy being available for sale in your local grocery store rather than reexamining the testimony of OJ Simpson and the detectives of the LAPD.
3. Gingerbread cookies have way too much interest in this season of America's Next Top Model.
4. Gingerbread cookies have been seen in many paparazzi photos with OJ in Miami and Sarasota.
5. Gingerbread cookies cousin Oatmeal Cookie once dated Mark Fuhrman.
6. Gingerbread cookies have no memory.

There only one sport and one team that the Lake cares about. The Patriots. There is still a part of me that thinks things can happen. There is also a part of me that thinks there is still another good album in Counting Crows.

Sorry the Lake was frozen over for a bit.

But don't fret This week is "Make Completely Implausible Comparisons to Gingerbread Cookies Week"

5 Ways that Gingerbread Cookies are better than Speed Dialing on your Cell Phone and 1 way they are not
1. When your girlfriend breaks up with you for no apparent reason other than you play too many video games, you don't have to delete Ginger Bread Cookies.
2. If you have Gingerbread cookies in your pocket and you go to confession, Gingerbread cookies do not rub against your keys and accidentally call your boss.
3. If you are out of range for your phone coverage area and hungry you can't eat speed dialing but you can eat Gingerbread Cookies.
4. If you ever were at a picnic and were looking for a friend who had yet to show up while enjoying watermelon on a table that is wobbly. You can use a Gingerbread cookie to prop up the table while you called looking for your friend.
5. Gingerbread cookies can feed a duck, Speed Dialing can only feed your ego

1. Gingerbread cookies are not free on Nights and Weekends

2 Weeks from Today... The Lake Holiday Blowout. (Really more of the same, but with a little effort implied)

9 out of every ten emails is junk mail, according to this New York Time Reports.

Here are some obvious explanations:
1. Every male in the United States needs some help
2. There are a lot of Rich royals from Rwanda who need help transferring money
3. For every proven medical remedy there is a cheap over the counter herbal remedy
4. There are a lot of people who have tremendous stock tips that feel like giving them out for free
5. Every attractive female between 18-24 is lonely.
6. Companies that make Spam blockers send most of the spam to make their product more attractive and more profitable. Could they do such a thing?

One of the Greatest Seinfeld scenes ever comes from the episode the switch. George's plan for Jerry to switch dating roommates goes awry and it turns out the roommates want a threesome with Jerry to play the part of hypotenuse. Jerry is disgusted, but George so impressed at how well the plan works says, "That is like discovering Plutonium by Accident"

I thought about this when the whole Anthrax scare happened (as an aside how come we never hear any follow-up to that, I don't buy conspiracy theories, but it's equally as scary that we can't find the Anthrax people or Bin Laden), and I am reminded of it now with Plutonium in London. Everywhere they go these days they are finding trace amounts of Plutonium and they think it is related to this Russian spy. Well here is a question, why not look for Plutonium in a middle sized city that the Russian Spy never visited, like Kansas City? What if you find trace amounts there, or trace amounts of Anthrax? Could it be that there are just trace amounts everywhere and if you keep searching you will always find it. Not sure, but it might be worth a look-see.

• I am a member of our Floor's Fire Squad. We have a meeting next week. It potentially may be the most productive meeting of 2006.
• My favorite December movie, and probably my favorite movie of all time, is definitely worth a NetFlix this Christmas. The Apartment by Billy Wilder and staring Jack Lemmon and Shirley Maclaine captures December in New York, the politics of an office, the heartache of a crush and so much more humanity. It does it with such subtlety, humor and reality that even though the movie is 46 years old it hasn't aged a day.
• I have a paper cut on the piece of skin in between my thumb and my index finger. Why do they make paper so sharp?
• Are Sun Dried Tomatoes more expensive in rainy places like Seattle or London?
• If you get a chance check out Man vs. Wild on Discovery.
• The Colts are not as good as you think, but I still wouldn't want to play them.
• R has petitioned to be considered a vowel
• The song One Night in Bangkok is tough to get our of your head
• This weekend the Field and I are getting our first Christmas Tree. We currently have four ornaments so we may have a Beanie baby squirrel as our Angel.

Am I a party pooper if I don't participate in Secret Santa?

6 Backup Reindeer for Santa's Sleigh

1. Chuckie the Brown-nose Reindeer
2. Robert the Limper
3. Tina (Santa's attempt at Gender Equality)
4. Blitzen Jr. (He's Legacy)
5. Hoppy (His Great Grandfather was a Kangaroo)
6. Willard (Is actually a flying elk)

Two interesting sites for completely different reasons

http://marmadukeexplained.blogspot.com/

http://web.yes.com/yes-nation/

BRADY

Sick