I have the perfect idea for Mel Gibson's next movie... The Joe Namath Story.

William Shatner - Rocket Man

Few things in life leave me speechless, this is one of them.

The most arrogant cartoon character in the world has to be the Roadrunner. Imagine if every time you failed someone just looked you right in the eyes and went "Meep Meep". From this day forward, I am going to "Meep Meep" people.

"Sorry to see your Powerpoint presentation was filled with spelling errors. Meep Meep"
"Oh that stinks your are going to be stuck here all night working on reports no one ever looks at, Meep Meep"
"Wore pants to one suit and the jacket to another huh? Meep Meep."

I think I will be universally hated by Thursday.

I came back into the office today to a Trifecta:

1. We have upgraded our paper so now it can't double as tracing paper
2. We have added a larger size cup for the water cooler
3. The staff meeting for tomorrow is canceled.

This is how Clinton must have felt on Inauguaration Day.

You are in a castle that may or may not be haunted. Let's say you are going to a wedding for a friend of your significant other's and when you arrive at the seaside town where the wedding is you find out the hotel is oversold, but they offer you this castle to stay in. It's you, your significant other, and three other couples who you all know from college or high school or something like that. When you arrive at the castle you are shocked to find that it is by far the nicest place you have ever stayed. There are butlers, the sheets are 5000 thread count. The rooms are actually suites large enough to require. intercoms between the various parts. There is a pool, complimentary massages each morning. You have through this weird twist of fate hit the jackpot compared to everyone else that is staying at a standard, Gideon's Bible Hotel. The one fact is that according to legend in 1835 Samuel Spring accidently killed his daughter Lucy in the castle on Christmas Morning and ever since then there have been silly accidents that have befallen people that have stayed in the castle. in 1917 Robert Dexter choked on chicken soup. In 1943 Muriel Walker slipped on a carpet and broke her neck. In 1957 while staying in town to run the Pine Coast Marathon, Ken Adams a healthy 29 year old marathoner had a heart attack while resting in bed the day before the race. You know all of this because the main family restaurant in town where you grabbed a late lunch has this printed on their menus. So here is my question when the hotel tells you that is where you are going to stay how do you react?

1. You say absolutely not and explode in the innkeepers face.
2. You are so excited that you cannot wait to get to the castle.
3. You accept that this is how it is going to be, but you know you will not sleep soundly until you are on your flight back home.
4. You start yelling anti-semetic insults at the hotel manager

Here is what I think this says about you.

1. You have no T-shirts over five years old.
2. In your glass cabinet you definitely have more than one pint glass that has been "lifted" from a bar
3. Your Brita filter never goes over the expected use time period.
4. You are drunk Mel Gibson

Look at the Waterfall.

This is a term I use when I see someone or something that we are supposed to find beautiful. The perfect example of this when you walk into someone's kitchen, someone who doesn't cook, but who has 25,000 dollars worth of appliances. Or when you see someone wearing $500 uncomfortable shoes. I derive the term from waterfalls. If you were to see a waterfall you might think of some cheesy romance novel cover and two passionate people embracing while the mist and water splashed on them. Or maybe you think of some Ansel Adams knock off photographing a waterfall in Montana or someplace like that. You may even envision a picnic with someone you love, or wish you loved. But why?

When you really think about it what is a waterfall? It is the culmination of water (not beautiful), interacting with height (not beautiful), interacting with rocks (not beautiful), then finally interacting with gravity (not beautiful). So four things, all not beautiful, combine to make something beautiful. Hmm. I don't buy it. Try it on a person: bad nose, bad hair, beer gut, and backne (back acne). That doesn't exactly describe Jessica Alba. No, the reason why we like waterfalls is that we are told they are beautiful from a young age, they are framed as beautiful to us. Society pressures us into expecting the falling of water to be beautiful. I bet there are tribes in this world that fear waterfalls. I can buy that, waterfalls are inherently powerful.

So take that concept and apply it to the real world, because unless some of my readership are tour guides from Niagara you probably don't see waterfalls every day. How many other things do we see and take as beautiful when it really it just is. I am quick to point out Sarah Jessica Parker, but that seems overly catty. Or how about a wedding cake? Or Celine Dion's music? I am not anti-beautiful. I love beautiful things, but given the choice between looking at a waterfall or looking at a crane in action, building a building, I choose the crane every time. I allow the crane to be beautiful instead of being told its not. What do you allow to be beautiful?

What do Floyd Landis and Lance Bass have in common? They both like to perform with extra testosterone in them.

One theoretical thing I wanted to bring up is the 100 dollar hamburger/2 dollar steak Trap. It's an idea I have that whenever someone takes something simple and makes it complicated, or takes something complicated and makes it simple then you should probably be wary. The trap derives its name from once being on an airplane reading through Destinations, Departures, or Leg Room, whatever those free seatback magazines are. There was an article about how somewhere (I think Vegas) there is a place that sells 100 dollar hamburgers, later in the article it talked about down the street there was a place you could get a steak for 2 dollars. Now I don't know about you, but I have had some pretty amazing burgers in my time, and I think the most I have ever spent is 10 maybe 15 dollars. On the other side of the culinary coin, I have had some incredible steaks, but the cheapest in recent memory was not under 20 dollars. Since I focus on work here are a corporate example for each:

1. The classic example of the corporate 100 dollar hamburger is when there is work that should take one person a day to do, but before it can ever get to that point, it becomes a project and there are pre-planning meetings, planning meetings, brainstorming sessions, a steering committee, documentation, a project plan, status updates, etc...
2. The classic 2 dollar steak often happens in selling something. I see it all the time with software vendors. They come in and give us this wham, bam, thank you ma'am presentation that makes it seem like all our problems including the receding hairlines and flat feet will be cured. Then we send in our IT guys and what they could do they can do, but it will take until about 2015 to get it done.

So Cindy Sheehan bought acres of land in Crawford so now she can be nearer to President Bush. I don't want to get political, but I remember this tactic from this kid Robby when I worked at the daycare center. (As an aside I worked my way though high school working at a daycare center) Robby was this annoying kid, probably an only child, around 4, who didn't know the word share. So nobody really liked him, so what he would do is go where everyone else would be playing and try and ruin their game. In doing this he ended up not just annoying the people he wanted to annoy but other kids who kind of liked Robby would get annoyed too by his immature behavior.

Regardless of you political views, nobody likes a Robby.

I am home sick today. If there is one thing I hate is when I use a sick day and am really sick. Not to go into too many details, but I woke up at 3AM and I thought I had wet the bed. Everything was soaked. I then realized that I must have had a fever and it broke because I was sweating like I was in a Sauna on the sun. More to come tomorrow....

I hope the corporation will survive without me.

Actually just overheard this statement, "We should send a mini heads-up about the agenda so the participants come into the meeting with the right mindset. We need to insure they internalize things from a conceptual level" This all relates to a meeting where everyone to be involved was within earshot including both sides of the phone conversation this was overheard from. I cannot wait to get the mini heads-up, because the last thing I want to do is end up in a meeting with wrong mindset.

What is a conceptual level? Does that mean you acknowledge that the idea exists?
What if I internalize it on a detailed level? Will they have failed or I?
If they gave us a full heads-up would the meeting not have to happen at all?

Lovers in a Dangerous Time

I emailed the Kansas City Hospital to ask them what other things the "pincher" has removed:

Suri Cruise
A Jenga Piece at Aunt Danielle's 80th Birthday party. (Fifth row from the bottom)
A 10 year old's hand trying to steal a spider ring from the vending machine at Sav-A-Lot
A drunk Keanu Reeves from a screening of My Super-Ex Girlfriend
Pretention from Marlon Brando Gill's Mother's naming conventions (obviously after little Mar was born)

When I asked about borrowing to remove some co-workers lips from the butts of the big bosses the going rate was just out of my price range...

So anyway tonight, I am walking down the street and I see this guy who I can only describe as what Charlie Brown would look like if he was in his mid-twenties. He is wearing a T-shirt that says "I am into inter-racial!" Now I can dig that. I don't really care who you love. If you are black and want to date white or vice versa go ahead. But here is the thing, this guy, Charlie, is holding hands with a young lady. Now the young lady whose hand he is holding looks like what you envision when you think of a B- Education major from a state college who is also the secretary of her sorority, in other words she is white. Now if you are a white guy dating a white girl why wear the shirt, and expose yourself to being called a hypocrite. My only conclusion is that he as an "I'm into inter-racial" Mastercard and got the shirt for applying.

I used to have a gym teacher who would always say, "If you are not part of the solution you are part of the problem". He was also the gym teacher who on our 6th grade Outdoor Education Week took us for a hike and when we were required to pick up one piece of litter, in front of us all, he pulled out a pack of Marlboros, lit one and then threw the empty pack on the ground. He also looked like Elliot Gould. What is my point?

If you have a Dilbert comic strip in your cubicle you are not part of the solution. (I know on first blush you are wondering where the connection is, but to me the connection is as clear as day). In my cubicle I only have hand drawn comic strips of me looking at spreadsheet formulas. Then again I am kind of hardcore.

Every single time I have a staff meeting a little part of my soul dies. If my soul is one of those flyers tacked to a telephone pole offering how to lose weight in 30 days, free kittens or how to learn guitar, after this morning's meeting I think I have only one or two rip-off thingys with the phone number on it left, someone drew a moustache on the clip art, and it has rained for a week and the paper has bled.

Today on the commute in within 45 seconds of each other I saw two different exact lookalikes for Rueben Kincaid from the Partridge Family. Come on Get Happy!!!

3 things I will never do for a corporation (that I have seen done in the last 2 hours).

1. Leave a vacation early when not asked to, because I felt I had too much to do. (You are not a hero, you a cog in the wheel, who might as well enjoy one more day experiencing life)
2. Give my two weeks notice and when asked to stay three weeks, stay. (I believe in not burning bridges but I also don't think you need to reinforce them after you have crosses them either)
3. Bring in on a Monday morning my homemade chicken wings for the office to enjoy.

Why do they make it so easy?

In the last five years I can't think of a movie ending that made less sense but I loved more than the end of the 40 Year Old Virgin. When they break into Aquarius it is so out of place and yet fits right in.

Awesome.

The most selfish, uncaring men I can think of are the following: Those who do this toilet paper origami all over the toilet seat. They wrap it up like they are either trying to make a mummy or want the toilet seat to be wrapped up well enough for presentation to the queen. Then they do their business (number 2 for you keeping score at home). Then they flush, but then they leave it there. You are so disgusted by the thought of placing your bottom on the raw plastic of an office toilet seat that you spend at least 55 seconds wrapping with more care than you would China you are sending third class to West Virginia, but then you care so little about your fellow man that you leave your sat in papertrocity on there for someone else to remove. Disgusting. Here are four people that definitely fall into this category.

1. Osama Bin Laden
2. Bill Maher
3. Andy Roddick
4. Mike from the other side of the floor in my office

Do you get a slight hint of queesiness when you visit, a bar, restaurant, house or other structure, that is now under new ownership and is redecorated? I think that is what it would be like to date a twin after you dated the first one.

Company Picnic stories. Every company picnic is the same. Here is the checklist

____ Older divorced Manager trys to hook up with an intern
____ Manager that nobody really likes takes softball game way too seriously
____ Younger recent college graduate employee exposes midriff entire day (men start acting all silly, women become catty and immediately hate her)
____ Sandra from marketing pulls her hamstring when diving for a spike in volleyball game
____ Ted's Wife is as ugly as you anticipated
____ T-shirt will only ever be worn for painting again
____ Unhappy drunk employee grabs your ear about how "B.S" this place is
____ Corn on the Cob is undercooked
____ Summer of 69 is on the radio
____ At the end everybody thanks organizer while thinking to themselves of everywhere else they would rather be

My favorite misuse of a word is when someone uses the word "use" to refer to multiple people. Example "Are use going to the pizza party tonight at the roller skating rink. " I am sure people would are argue that the correct spelling would be you'se, but I have chosen to use "use".

So if jumping the shark means that something that is once good now isn't good anymore. I have come up with a few more terms you as a reader should start to use.

Made the cone but haven't licked it. Referring to something that you anticipate being good, but you don't know for sure yet. As far as the Superman movie I know the cone was made but I haven't licked it.

Went to some fun Diversity Training. Referring to something that you anticipated being awful, but actually turns out okay. The wedding I went to didn't serve alcohol, but it turned out to be fun Diversity Training.

Bought a crappy magazine subscription. Referring to agreeing to something way in the future without realizing that someday you will actually have to follow through. When my sister asked me to watch her kids for the weekend six months in advance I definitely bought a crappy magazine subscription when I realized that was Super Bowl weekend.

Punched the Mime in the Face. Referring to doing something that you have always wanted to do, but never had the guts to do. When I asked out Sarah, I finally punched the mime in the face.

Said Sorry to the Mime. Referring to the realization after the fact that maybe some things are better left undone. I felt like I really needed to say sorry to the mime after I shaved my pubes.

There is going to be a new indoor Lacrosse team in New York. They are having a contest to name the team here. My suggestion: The Duke Men's Lacrosse Team.

I love language. This past weekend I was in Boston and although my dealings with the general population of Boston was minimal it did remind me of a regionalism that always immediately hits my ears, not as bad as when someone says "pop" for soda. In Boston and I am going to say the majority of New England there is an overabundence of the terminology "All set". "All set meaning finished or satisfied. It is not uncommon to overhear an entire exchange of "All sets". For example in a diner at the end of the meal.

Waitress: All Set?
Patron: All Set.
Waitress (as picking up the empty plate): All set.

In the New York Metropolitan Area maybe if you are lucky one of those would be an "All set" more typically it would go like:

Waitress: Are you finished?
Patron: Yes Thanks
Waitress (as picking up the empty plate): Can I get you anything else?

I write all of this not to speak ill of Boston, because I know they dispise when people from New York speak anything remotely negative about Boston. It is just an observation.

As this is my 99th post I wanted to offer this. Please post a comment with some topic you think I should write about. If not from here on in, its Peter Gabriel and Cameron Crowe movie thoughts. And of course some things awesome, not awesome and neither..............

FD

Wait so Blair gave Bush a sweater? What was he Bush's Secret Santa?

Lester Bangs: The only true currency in this bankrupt world... is what you share with someone else when you're uncool.

Almost Famous.

Wait Carmen and Dave are getting divorced...

I assume somewhere while sipping on a Slurpee, Britney is taking notes.

If I ever get to the rank where I have my own staff meeting, everyone in my staff meeting will get a buzzer. At the beginning of the meeting I will say, "If you at any point feel that someone has moved from giving us an update to justifying their existence, then buzz."

I just came out of a meeting that would, under those rules, sound like a hornets nest in a chainsaw factory.

It is really hot in NYC. Here are some tips to be cool:

1. Wear a leather jacket.
2. Rent an apartment above the owner of a hardware store
3. Have people call you by a shortened version of your last name
4. Get a one syllable catch phrase
5. Learn how to start a jukebox by bumping it
6. Install Central Air-Conditioning

My new suggestion to the people that make up social rules:

If your weekend didn't include anything exciting, then just say it was fine, there is no burden on you to tell a story when no story exists.

This morning I have heard people tell the following tales:*

1. Jen picked up her dry cleaning
2. Dave went a blind date where there was no chemistry
3. Ted made Chicken Salad

*Names have been changed tales haven't.

Four things that if I found out about your significant other I would be curious to meet them.
1. If you husband was once a Harlem Globetrotter
2. If your wife has managed a chain restauran, such as Applebee's
3. If your parter has climbed Mount Everest
4. If your girlfriend once was a Star Search Spokesmodel contestant

AWESOME

Entrance questions to get into Surreal University.

1. Deer is to Robot as Tricycle is to ______
a) Giraffe b) Oklahoma c) Catcher in the Rye d) Two Tricycles

2. Victor is to Double A Batteries as Cornfields are to _______
a) Earwax b) loose quarters c) apathy d) d)

3. A train leaves Chicago at 10Am going 60 miles per hour. Another train leaves the inside of a Christmas Ornament in 1942 going 90 fathoms a second. At what time will they meet:
a) Good Friday b) Yesterday c) 11:32 d) It's impossible to tell the clocks are melting

4) Which of the following does not belong:
a) 1 b) 1 c) 1 d)1 e) 1

5) Essay Question: If you were to shave a camel what kind of juice would you drink and why?

6) You have a box that is 40 seconds long, 90 catipllers wide and as high as a wish what is the volume?
a) Retained Earnings b) & c) 40 liters d) zero (the world not the number)

7) If All Windows are clear and all foxes fear whimsy the which of the following is true.
a) America won the revolutionary war
b) Dead ants taste better then walls
c) Chicken Broth
d) 453.2

8) Essay Question: Write a haiku about writing a haiku about writing a limerick

9) True or False: Sometimes things are true and other times they are false

10) Essay Question: Explain:

Instead of sending the Green Berets, the SEALS, and Delta Force after Bin Laden, why not send a college alumni office after them. I could move four or five times in the same year and get a cell phone registered in Warsaw, and they they would still find me to call and ask for money.

Let's pretend that somebody asked me the question, "What is unfunny?"

Obvious Answers
1. War
2. Children dying
3. Suits with perfectly tailored sleeves
4. Subscription reply cards in magazines
5. Demons

The Rightest Answer
1. A chain of emails between a group of guys where each is trying to one up the other in replying to all.

Last night I overheard a man say to another man "If I were a chick I would definitely date you." Over the last 12 hours I have found myself trying to find the circumstance where if I were on the receiving end of this I would respond with "Thanks dude." Please feel free to offer suggestions ________.

On my floor at work there are two bathrooms. They have gone conventional and chosen male and female. I work on the 19th floor of a smallish skyscraper in lower Manhattan. To get into my building there are security guards then additionally my company has security guards. Here is the quirk I don't understand. The men's room is come and go as you please, a true open-door policy. The women's room as a 4 number code to get in. Why? I can come up with three reasons but feel free to post your own.

1. Inside the women's room there is an entire collection of Designing Women DVDs and a flat screen TV to watch them on.
2. Before I joined this company there were locks on the Men's room, but then one day a guy had taco bell for lunch and got stuck trying to remember if the last digit was 4 or 5 and it caused an incident.
3. Some male on my floor once got caught trying to sneak off a tinkle in their in the pre-code day.

Of course everyone knows the code. Its the same as my ATM pin, except different numbers.

You are on a long bus ride. The kind you would only take for a weird reason, such as you are visiting Montana and visiting a place five hours from the nearest airport. You are offered three seats to sit in, additionally you are the second to last person to get on the bus, the last person behind you is carrying an infant.

1. Seat one is your prefered seat (aisle or window) next to a normal looking person who is engrossed in an I-pod.
2. Seat two is the opposite of your preffered seat, next to an extremely attractive person who is eating what appears to be fried clams and tarter sauce.
3. Seat three is a two seater where both seats are empty.

What do you choose?
1. Your medicine cabinet contains multiple sizes of band-aids and both hydrogen peroxide and rubbing alcohol. Chances are when you Iron you use distilled water.
2. If you are ever in Hawaii and the rental car agency offers for 15 dollars more a day a convertable, you will definitely take up the offer.
3. When they offer a jar that says take a penny, leave a penny you have never left a penny.

Performance Evaluation Time has started at work. This is the lovely process of picking 8 or so people that like you and hoping that they will write really nice things about you. So today I come to the question, "Is this person able, to in this position, further the company's goals?"

I have to do 8 of these things. I was wondering if I answered with the following answer how it would go over:

The job this person is assigned to do, could probably be done by a dyslexic rabid Koala Bear and the only difference would be the bear would be cute. (Marsupials by law are cute) I don't blame this person for this. I blame the corporate management that hires people for jobs that they are over-qualified for, rather than invest in processes that would allow smart people to do smart work. So maybe the better question is what do corporations gain from getting a bunch of people to list petty grievances masked as talent improvement initiatives or management development opportunities?

Today at work someone described a camel at the Bronx Zoo as "slutty". She then continued to describe said camel four or five more times as such. I assumed that I was magically transported to an LSD inspired episode of Three's Company. Once she left I asked the person who she was talking to if I heard right and I had. Please God Help me....

BTW the camel's name was Lenny.

The crises of the day per Polly Walker, 13 year old Counselor in Training Pine Valley Camp Dinesboro, Maine

1. Rain is forecasted for the World Cultures Campfire Thursday Night
2. One of her campers hasn't showered in two days
3. Lunch was falafel
4. TJ the cute archery instructor didn't say hi to her when they crossed on the Truman Path
5. Intelligence on North Korea implies that their missile stockpile is larger than initially thought.

So this guy trying to commit suicide, blew up his apartment building. All I know is last night when I got my mail in the vestibule of my apartment building I made sure to say hi to the other residents of my building.

3 things that are not Awesome
1. Plastic Clothespins with weak springs
2. Itchy Wool Blankets
3. Any picture after picture three of someone else’s vacation

3 things that are Awesome
1. Awesome Saws
2. Awesome backrubs
3. Awesome Candy

3 things that are neither Awesome nor not Awesome
1. Polka Dots
2. Leaving Breadcrumbs to mark a trail
3. Hanes Sports Socks

So if you were to ask me in 1997 what the biggest grossing movie opening of all time would be as of July 10, 2006. I would guess the following all before I said a pirate movie starting Johnny Depp:

A) A movie where Jim Carrey as a sports agent is transformed and believes he is a parakeet.
B) A romantic comedy starting Sandra Bullock and Nicolas Cage where they confuse suitcases at a convention of travel agents.
C) Michael Douglas is a CIA agent who is trying to escape from London as he is followed by rogue CIA agent Samuel L. Jackson
D) A computer generated movie about the inner workings of a colony of slugs who live in an amusement park (Voices by Hal Holbrook and Richard Jeni and Tom Selleck's Agent)
E) A documentary about the Spanish influence in modern Ninja's (Directed by A gent from Stockholm)
F) Jerry McGuire II (He stops being an Agent and becomes a dispacter for a limo service in Walla Walla
G) A rerelease of Groundhog Day (at the advise of Bill Murray's Agent)

Just a note, in 1997 I was obsessed with Agents. Not any particular type, just any person who acted as a representative of interests of other people. It is something that interests me to this day, although my curiousity has subsided greatly, as I learned that there was more to being an agent then walking into rooms and making Renee Zellwiger cry or helping grandparents book trips to Scottsdale for a week.

One of the most frustrating things in the world is when you want to pass someone either on foot or in a car, and that person, probably not maliciously, paces themselves at the exact speed where it is still "slow" by your standards but not slow enough to pass. You end up tracking them and every time you go to make your your move they match it. Its kind of like Tron.

This morning I was sandwiched between two of the people and I didn't know what to do eventually I turned around and crossed the street.

You know what is always worth watching, church on TV. I am not sure how "saved" you will be but I guarantee you will be entertained.

You know who entertain me know end, those self important people who are on a train or waiting to taxi on a plane or even worse on vacation and have to call into the office. Those people come from two pathetic schools of thought:

1. "How in the world is the office surviving without me, I better check in" - Yeah okay you arrogant jerk. You are the reason this multi-million dollar corporation is staying afloat.

2. "I really have nothing going on in my life that the last thing I can do is enjoy being away from the office for a while without knowing what's going on" Get a life.

18 Things not worth Collecting

1. License plates from Texas
2. Pewter Hens
3. Ice Cube Trays
4. Old plane tickets
5. Mousepads
6. Various Bank’s Deposit Tickets
7. Memories of verbs used properly
8. Brochures for Vineyards
9. Barometers
10. Rice Necklaces
11. Teen Wolf Fan Fiction
12. Dental Dams
13. Signatures for petitions
14. Lassos
15. Swingsets
16. Lists of things not worth collecting
17. Pictures of your Freckles
18. Fill in your own __________

Whoever said, there is no such thing as a stupid question, clearly was never in a meeting.

Many astronauts talk about when they look down from their craft at the earth that they feel so small. To me that must just be an incredible feeling. I think the closest I ever get to it is when I get to sleep in a king size bed alone.

If I had a project to staff I would always choose people who have "____-A-Day" Calendars, first. They have enough foresight and focus to choose one topic they are willing to look at everyday for the next year, or they have friends and relatives whose relationship with them is so meaningless that they actually believe that a Far Side or Stupidest Things Ever Said Calendar is a good holiday gift. Either way those types of people don't have a lot of committments to keep them from working late.

You are stuck on a boat when the ship you were on sinks. There with you is Taylor Hicks, Camilla Parker Bowles and former MTV DJ Kennedy. What do you do?

A) jump and swim for shore
B) Take the flare gun and stick it in your mouth
C) Make the most of it by teaching them the complete lyrics to the Counting Crows second album
D) Take copious notes for the tell-all book.
E) Woo CPB.
F) Row.

If you said
A) You are a person of action and have no trust in humanity
B) You are not good in stressful situations
C) You spent too much time as a camp counselor
D) You are an opportunist that would probably think the greatest thing that ever happened to you would be almost getting in an accident
E) You are Prince Charles
F) You are a pragmatist and will eventually be very frustrated with your career and the fact that organization's don't just ignore good decisions, they sometimes intentionally do the opposite.
s
I know what you are thinking, aren't there other options, like using the on board radio to alert the Coast Guard. No. Taylor Hicks will pee on the radio within the first 45 seconds. Those seven options have proved themselves out time after time, since the original on the boat test of 1961 involving Corretta Scott King, Milton Berle and legendary DJ Alan Freed.

I love flip-flops. Here is my question how do women walk around with flip flops where the flop thickness is the same as two sheets of paper?

I spent a portion of my day today preparing for a meeting that will never happen. I might as well have spent my time preparing my Nobel Peace Prize acceptance speech.

I love people who get upset that their computer does not have a flat screen monitor when others do, but say nothing about having to work until eight or nine at night on a regular basis, on meaningless projects. That would be like President Bush complaining about Kim Jong Il's haircut.

New Feature: Things that if you casually mentioned about your Significant Other would make me really interested in meeting them:

1. If you said your husband was a Park Ranger
2. If you said your wife grew up on a commune
3. If you said your partner has been on Jeopardy.
4. If you said your girfriend was one those people that stands next to the stage leader for the Tour De France

With tomorrow being the fourth. Here are two musical recommendations.

America Neil Diamond
So over the top. (He actually announces My Country tis of thee at the end). If I was an astronaut this is what I would want playing upon reentry from orbit.

America Simon and Garfunkel
So under the top.

"Kathy, I'm lost," I said, though I knew she was sleeping
I'm empty and aching and I don't know why
Counting the cars on the New Jersey Turnpike
They've all gone to look for America
All gone to look for America
All gone to look for America

We've all been there.

Every once in a while someone who I think is reasonably intelligent will suggest to me that the I-pod’s shuffle feature is not random. They will insist that it knows.what you want to hear. I always snap back with two points. One, in strings of random numbers there can often be what appear to be patterns, but if you continue long enough there will be something that breaks the pattern. Second and I think more importantly, in a way listening to music is like reading your horoscope, you filter music through your current situation. Imagine you sleep late. You are half an hour late to work sitting on a crowded subway or in heavy traffic. One song that might come on is John Lennon’s Imagine and your reaction might be that it calms you down. Another song that may come on is Rage Against the Machine’s Killing in the Name. In listening to this you may take the stress and combine it with the anger and high energy of the song..Either way you get off the subway or out of your car and you think to yourself that was the perfect song for my situation this morning. Now just for illustrative purposes imagine those same two songs played as background for a film depicting Marines fighting insurgents in Baghdad. Hearing the first you might question the reason for war, Hearing the second you might feel the intensity of war. This concept is one of the reasons why I think about music so much, because every time I listen to a song, especially ones I like it is through a new filter.

That being said on the way in this morning the first song I heard was Good Vibrations by the Beach boys. This made me realize even more that I should not be in an office today.

If Sunday night, when the majority of people in this great nation, don't have to work until Wednesday but you do, were a song it would be Eric Clapton's Tears In Heaven.

I think I have come up with a new form of measurement. Sexstance.

Sexstance: N. The distance a woman stands from her male companion when he is in CVS to buy condoms.

Observing two incidents of this while purchasing bathroom tissue and water Friday evening I think I also noticed that the sextance is inversely proportional to the length of the relationship with the purchaser.

Today is Canada day. In their honor I am about to head out and go on a bit of a train ride, actually that is not in their honor, that is just something I am doing. But in their honor I have set-up the following playlist:

Summer of 69 Bryan Adams
Closer to the Heart Rush
Jane Barenaked Ladies
Sundown Gordon Lightfoot
Give Yourself a Hand Crash Test Dummies
Bobcaygon The Tragically Hip

So today to our neighbors to the north I say, thanks for the music, and you can keep Rickie Williams.