Today I wanted to make an Algebra joke and I used the FOIL method to get there, and nobody got it.

The way this post is meant to be read is Four ways:

1. To prove my cleverness.
2. To mock my supposed cleverness
3. To then comment on my motivations in such a way that my bases are covered, even if the third punchline goes kind of meta, breaking the fourth wall directionally.
4. To hope to leave on a low note by stating that Beaver Cleaver would never be character's name on TV today.

6 things to think about as you try and fall asleep

1. If you had to, could you beat up a Walrus?
2. If you were to rank your attractiveness and the envision a person of the gender you are attracted to that had that ranking, would you find that person attractive... (Really think about this one because I find that it makes you either really shallow or really egotistical)
3. Our memories work a lot like Wikipedia. Think about that for a while.
4. Somewhere out there there is someone who is dumber than you and has the same ATM pin as you.
5. If you had to spend the next 50 years of your life, trapped in each of the 50 states for the entire year, which would you choose first. (Assume that you may not be guaranteed to live another 50 years).
6. Itches

There is tired, like how you feel after a nice workout.
There is tired, like how you feel after a night of drinking.
There is tired, like how you feel after a cross country plane flight.
Then there is tired like you have put in 14 hour days for the last week, and you only left the office 8 hours ago.

How come nobody talks about Suri Cruise any more?

Off to a meeting...

Busiest 3 weeks of the year for me right now, expect light blogging.

That being said, if you ever want to fill up your life with 30 minutes of BS, ask an actress with a lazy eye about her craft. It will be filled with more nonsense than asking a middle manager about his strategic vision.

Also I was working with some people at pulling together a powerpoint presentation and one of their slides was a mock "Priceless" advertisement. Then what made it worse is they thought they had the creativity of Frank Gehry. And on top of that then when they presented it to others it got a hearty laugh. People expect and accept such mediocrity.

Day spent working on an important project 6
Hours spent preparing Powerpoint Presentation 5
Hours Practicing presentation 6
Using a hack joke's effect on your Presentation... Worthless.

Valentines day 1999.

I am sitting at home watching TV, enjoying a few beers, my roommate who soon after moved out comes in plunks down a Credit card receipt on our table and says, "Just treated myself to a little Valentines day present, at the massage parlor. 150 bucks well spent".

True Valentines Story from the Lake

1984, Second Grade 8 Years Old. My teacher offers us all a kiss for Valentines day. My teacher was in, second grade terms, kind of hot, (which can vaguely be defined as better looking than our mothers, but still motherly. {that may be really Oedipal but its not meant to be}) as an aside other grade levels of hot:
7th grade, which means you are a woman and not related
12th grade hot you are a woman within touching distance
25 year old hot. You are willing to talk to us.
Now as a 30 year old I have matured and married and would never even notice the physical appearance of another woman. I have reached a higher plane, where there is no difference between Charlize Theron in Monster and Charlize Theron on page 36 of the May 2005 issue of Cosmo I once think I saw. (Happy Valentine's day Field)

Anyhow my teacher, Mrs. Hoover, which is a great name to tell a story about a kiss, tells us all in Math class that we can have a kiss for V-day. Now all of the boys start to line-up, but I am terrified. I had religion class after school. I wasn't going to kiss this married woman. (Maybe it would be more funny if I wouldn't kiss her if I was a germiphobe, but instead my fear came from eternal damnation of the Catholic Church). She came over to me and said, "Lake would you like a kiss, all the other boys are in line." I said "no", that my religion does not allow me to kiss women unless they are related (I am not sure if that is part of Vatican II or not, but at least that's how I understood it at 8). At this point all the boys were shouting for me to get in line, so they could get their kiss. My friend Larry came over and offered to take me to the line, I said no I am not going and got under my desk, In a way I was a second grade Thomas More, willing to sacrifice my reputations for my beliefs. It was then that Mrs Hoover went behind her desk, the desk where months later she would teach us the multiplication tables. She reached behind and pulled out a bag of Hershey kisses. Evidently everyone in the class knew this was coming except for me. Eventually I was given one of the foil wrapped charms and it tasted like embarrassment.

I may know nothing about women, but I do know this, when they say they want nothing for Valentines Day, that means they absolutely want something.

5 potential fathers of Anna Nicole Smith's baby not yet mentioned.

1. The Wolfman
2. Reggie Jackson
3. Wolf Blitzer
4. George Hamilton
5. Robert Redford

The Smoking Gun has a vulnerability study done for Rudy G. before his 1993 race against David Dinkins. For someone like me it is absolutely mesmerizing to read.

http://www.thesmokinggun.com/archive/years/2007/0212072giuliani1.html

The Office as written by David Mamet

6 descriptions that would work for your 6th grade girlfriend and a fax machine in your office

1. Makes a lot of high pitched whiny noises
2. Sometimes gives you a blurry picture
3. Only gives you something if you give it something first
4. Decides to stop interacting with you the week of Valentines Day
5. When you call others to get advice on how to fix them, all anyone ever tells you is that you can't fix them and you should try and get a new one
6. Named Chloe

If I hear one more time, "So I watched the grammies last night and I didn't even know any of the songs."... That is saying much more about you than it ever would about the state of current popular music.

That makes me Crazy...

I saw Little Children over the weekend. Once you get over the fact that Kate Winslet was in Titantic, you realize she is a great actress. Also a great cameo by the person who played Fay on Wings.

Little Children was like American Beauty with just a scrape less creepiness and just a scrape more hope.

Greg Gutfeld who I have posted about before, has a new show on Fox News. It's Tivo worthy, since its on at 2AM on the east coast, but it is pretty funny. I reminds me of a more civil Tough Crowd with Colin Quinn. Like all round table shows it is hit or miss, but Greg is funny, and there is a hidden gem with his omsbudman Andrew Levy who does a halftime report and and a preview of the next show at the end of the show. Anyhow over at the Daily Gut they have listed Andrew's best lines here... Good Stuff. If you have Tivo give it a whirl even for once, if you don't have Tivo I really don't understand how you can exist.

UPDATE if you were redirected from the DailyGut take a look at some of my older stuff such as
1, 2, 3

Interesting Take

My Father and Brother are pretty big New Yorker fans. I like when Malcolm Gladwell writes and my Mother in law once gave me a collection of S.J. Perelman. One of the annoying parts are the too smart for the National Honor Society cartoons that are not funny, badly drawn, but somehow are revered. The New Yorker each week runs a contest where you can make your own caption and eventually get your way into the magazine. Well this blogger runs an anti-caption contest that is 100 times funnier. Enjoy...

My one and only Anna Nicole Story.

I lived in a typical suburban development until the age of 13. This was in New Jersey outside of Philadelphia. It was great you could ride your bike anywhere and everywhere. Your best friend lived a ten minute walk away. Then I moved to the end of a mile long dead end street where our nearest neighbor was half a mile away, in New Hampshire. I always had a bit of a tough time with this. In many ways it was good for me. I went to high school where I could excel and pursue interests, but in other ways I felt trapped, up on a hill disconnected from the world. The summer before I went to college I worked at a daycare center and also for a week got to house sit for family friends. I remember while I housesat feeling an incredible taste of freedom. I ate dinner when I wanted, I went to bed when I wanted. I wasn't exactly Jack Kerouac, but at 17 years old to be in a house by myself it was the greatest thing in the world. So I went home and three weeks later I went to college. My parents and my one brother dropped me off and I remember walking back to my dorm and feeling incredibly free, if that makes any sense. That feeling stayed. I could go to dinner at what time I wanted, I could study when I wanted, I could order pizza at 11 PM with guys down the hall. I think all college students feel this and some go off the deep end and drink everyday and flunk out. I was a reserved Catholic kid, so my expresion of freedom came with me shaving my head and going to the Waldenbooks in the Mall and spending 45 minutes working up the nerve to actually bring an issue of Playboy to the clerk. That issue included Anna Nicole Smith.

Reason number one why I won't vote for Obama. He is quiting smoking to run for President. I think smoking is a disgusting habit, but I really don't care if individuals smoke, that's their choice. What bothers me is that he is willing to change who he is to fit popular opinion, that's the wrong move.

In College I ran and beat (obviously if I lost I wouldn't share this story) two others to be college president. The one guy I ran against included in his platform, allowing kegs on campus. The students were smart and realized he was pandering for votes. Be who you are and get people to vote for you, that's what a leader is.

5 Things we all think a lot more about than we care to admit

1. The stamina it requires to be a sharpshooter
2. The endurance it requires to be an expert marksman
3. The precision it would require to hit a target 15oo feet away with a rifle with no scope
4. Helmets used in construction
5. Lillypads

One of the most disheartening things about working is that on a regular basis you see people who are smart, who you have seen do smart, intelligent things, do things that are just so dumb. Granted I do dumb things all the time, but I am talking about things that make you wonder how this person was even competent enough to get dressed in the morning.

God it's only Wednesday.

Ted Haggard says "He is completely Heterosexual" Money Quote"

The Rev. Ted Haggard emerged from three weeks of intensive counseling
convinced he is "completely heterosexual"

Two things:

1. What do you get convinced to do on a regular basis? You are with some buddies at a bar and they say you should stay our for one more pop, even though you have to get up early the next morning. You don't want to watch The Devil Wears Prada, your spouse does, but she promises you can watch whatever you want afterwards. Those are real life examples of being convinced. If you have to be convinced in to being heterosexual doesn't that mean that deep down you really aren't (I don't have a problem either way, I have a problem with his hypocrisy)
2. Is there an official designation: For example

Ted Haggard - Completely Heterosexual

Tommy Lee - Absolutely Heterosexual

Al Borland from Home Improvement - Whole Heartedly Hetero

Jeff Gordon - Fairly Hetero (Jeff Gordon I think is a NASCAR guy)

Lazy pun of the day

This Astronaut kidnapping story is out of this world.

Whenever I read that someone it trapped in a love triangle, I always get the feeling that the analogy of a love Triangle is just not right. A triangle has all sides connecting when in fact what really is happening is you have one side that is toughing two sides, that's why I think of them as love Capital H's.

Thought Exercise: If you were left a note by someone important in your life that reads the following: "Don't forget to take the bag and the tray in the refridgerator." Only one other fact needs to be known, in close proximity to this note there is a bag.

Would you:

A) Grab that bag near the note and the tray from the fridge
B) Leave that bad and assume there is a tray and another bag in the fridge
C) It doesn't matter because sometimes spouses present these little puzzles as a test to prove that sometimes in life there are no right answers.
D) Just prepare for the phone call telling you, you made the wrong choice.

Overheard on the Subway "The only thing that will make me feel better is to make out with an above average girl for at least five minutes."

Clearly the guy has never had Buffalo Bleu Potato Chips which as disgusting as they sound are unbelieveably phenomenal.

5 Thoughts on the Superbowl

1. Bears Fans, I feel for you. I really do. Colts fans... just remember Peyton and Tony have one, Tom and Bill have three.
2. Where were the funny or entertaining commercials. This was like when the emmys were held after 9/11 and everyone downplayed everything.
3. Prince Rocked.
4. There were a few passes that Grossman made that I could have made.
5. Reread number 3 except replace Ro with Su.
   

Fool in the Rain by Led Zeppelin is one of the greatest songs ever written.

Groundhog's day is stupid. Any holiday that you don't get a day off is stupid.

Thought exercise: Spend the next 40 minutes thinking only about Wolves. Before you know it half a day will go by.

Four things I haven't done in a while:

1. Square Danced
2. Thought about Switzerland
3. Forgotten a belt
4. Smiled

Three Question Interview: Personal Assistant

1. Let's Role play, I call you up and say to you "Hey can you get me dinner reservations at Romano's and two flights to LA" how would you go about doing it.
2. It's my 14 year old son's birthday and I forgot, he is coming to the office in an hour, how do you fix the problem.
3. Can you keep a secret?

This thing in Boston is interesting. We all in life do this thing, where we plan out something. In our minds this is the perfect plan. This idea we have, will not just succeed in having the desired effect, but it will be so glowing that others will be amazed at our cleverness. The truth, is that our idea is glaringly bad that if someone else came to us with it we would laugh in their faces. That there is some detail to the plan, that makes it such a bad idea, but since we are the owner of the thought we never notice it. Usually, with ideas such as this we are so attached and proud that we never run it by anyone else, because we don't want to ruin the surprise element.

My idea, that didn't pan out the way I hoped, was my Freshman year of high school, I had a crush on a girl who I will call Harriet. My freshman year of high school I was very naive. I thought the world worked very much like it did on the Wonder Years and Saved by the Bell. When it came to girls, I could barely speak, much less hold conversation. I remember this clearly. On a Sunday afternoon while walking our dog Maggie, I got the great idea that I should compliment Harriet. I walked and walked and thought really hard about what to compliment her on. I thought about her hair, but that seemed too obvious. I wanted to be subtle. I thought about a point she would make in class, but that seemed nerdy (and nerdy for a guy who was planning out a conversation in 10th period Health class is pretty nerdy). I eventually decided that i would compliment her outfit. This would praise both her brain (for deciding to wear it) and her appearance (for how she wore it). After this she would fall madly in love with me and want to talk on the phone for hours and dance with me at all the dances.

The next day I went to school. Finally after lunch I expeditated my arrival to Health class. Health was in a science room so we sat at long tables on stools. Harriet sat in front of me. She got there 30 seconds after me. She was wearing the most beautiful purple MC Hammer pants and a purple Champion sweatshirt. She was gorgeous. I hadn't seen her yet that day, it was the only class we had together and our lockers were in different wings of the school. She says to me "Hi Lake."There was a smile.

I decided to make my move, and without a care in the world said, "Boy someone looks like a big purple cow today." Then I winked my left eye. It's easy now to realize that of all of the zoological spectrum, cow was probably number one or two of animals not to pick. At least I didn't choose Whale or Elephant. Also my choice of adjectives was equally as disastrous. Not a cute cow or a cuddly cow or even a pretty cow, but a big cow.

Harriet responded with, "Did you just call me a cow?"

In the cartoon version of my biography, this is where the light bulb appears above my head. I instantly knew that my plan had not been a success, but had in fact had the exact opposite effect. I think I sputtered something about about how I just liked her clothes, but the damage was done, both to her, and to my ego. Me, who minutes before thought the Nobel committee was going to have to create a special award for seduction, now realized that I was actually a complete moron.

What is the comforting number of emails to come into in the morning. This morning I had 38 and I think that means its going be a long day.