6 Quick Ways to be unfunny

1. Do a Borat impersonation at a company pizza party
2. Dilbert in your cubicle
3. Refer to Two and a Half Men episodes
4. Wear a "funny T-shirt"
5. Forward videos of people getting hit in the balls
6. Make fun of someone who has lost a limb, who doesn't have a sense of humor about it.

David Beckham is going to play soccer in LA. Here are the numbers of people who care:

173 Soccer fans who even knew that the LA team was called the Galaxy
64,292 subscribers to US Weekly who anticipate seeing more pictures of his wife, the Gremlin
19,731 Teenage girls
19,732 Weird Uncles who are over 40 but have Myspace pages

5'6"

How the Scene played out:

Dan: How tall do you think James Brown was?
Dave: Five-Eight or so
Dan: Are you really as dumb as you speak, that man was only like Five Four.
Dave: You are calling me dumb, at least I am not dumb enough to spend my nights in bed with that skanky cow Stacy, and the man was tall man
Dan: First of all Stacy has not lost all of her pregnancy weight yet, she will get there and you know that we are struggling with that, so play nice, and the guy was short.
Dave: I am telling you he was five seven, five eight, and dude you should be happy that any girl would stay with you, with your outdated Hawaiian shirts and your Converse All Stars and fro-ey hair you look like a 400 pound Screech.
Dan: Okay just stop it right now and agree that he is short.
Dave: Or what? are you gonna waddle to Mr. Belding.
Dan: Or How about this
Dan takes out a gun
Dave: Whoa whoa whoa. Look the guy's tall but there is need to get upset about it.
Dan: I've heard enough
Two shots to Dave's Abdomen

It's only Thursday.

This story will probably be picked up as a Blue State mocking the patriotism of our country. Don't buy it. The real story here is something I learned in Cancun in March of 1998. College Acapella singers are the most arrogant, funless people in the world, who just inspire you to want to beat the living crap out of them. It doesn't make it right, but spend more than four minutes with an Acapella group and you would want to beat the crap out of them too. The Story:

I am on Spring Break. Drinking too much Dos Equis and tequila with a few buddies and a few guys from UNC in old town Cancun. We also were sneaking in an early dinner. Our plan was to drink where the beer was 40-50 cents and then go down to the "real" spring break hotspots, primed. Along came five girls. Cute, friendly, they were outnumbered but we were being funny, jolly, a good vibe was developing. The set-up was for a perfect spring break romance, at least for some of us. Then came into the bar, a bar that up until now we owned, six dweebs with shirts that had a punny name on it. It was something like "Without a Bass" or "Pulp Conviction" something that in their dorm room must have been really funny. Within 3 minutes of them walking in, one walks over to our group of about thirteen. He says "Name a song". The least aesthetically pleasing of the the five says, "In Your Eyes, Peter Gabriel". Out of nowhere the six dudes start harmonizing In your Eyes.
Three of the girls go around and they continue with an Oasis, Matchbox 20, Dave Matthews, Counting Crows medley. We can see the 45 minutes reassuring the girls that we were just normal guys out to have a good time on Spring Break, and not future subjects of a Dateline expose, eroding as they name song after song and they keep nailing them. That's fine, I can be beaten in a bar over a woman, but what absolutely drew the ire of my friends and I, is that they did it so smuggly. That we could see that this was a routine. That these guys were weasels with nice tenor and baritone voices. It made us want to puke. We lost four of them and the one girl that stayed talking to us, said that her friends had never been on Spring Break before and they were going to go down this long road of being easily woo'ed in the wrong direction. Those guys in Cancun didn't deserved to get the crap kicked out of them and neither did these Patriots in San Fran, but they could use a little humilty, because at night you may be able to sing a song without instruments, but in the morning you put your pants on one leg at a time and you ain't making gold records.

From an Interview with Ricky Gervais in the Onion

AVC: Do you think people sometimes laugh at things for the wrong reasons?

RG: I just don't think there's any pleasure in getting an easy laugh. There can be no reward. You stand at the back of a chain comedy club, and those guys come out and they're going, "Ha! What's going on with Scooby-Doo? A talking dog!" And I want to shout, "It's a kids' program!" What vein of comedy gold have they really hit upon there? Then some other guy goes, "Ugh, the '70s, haircuts were different, weren't they?" I want to go, "Well, yeah, but I don't know what you've done there." I don't get observational comedy. It's observational, but they've just left out the comedy bit. And these people are cracking up! They couldn't laugh any more. So you think, "Why would I try and make those people laugh? I don't need to make them laugh. They're happy enough. I'd probably just spoil it for them." I'm aiming at someone else. I'm not uptight about it. I don't want to close those comedy clubs down, I just don't want to play them.

I was on the train this morning and two men in their late thirties covered the following topics in a conversation loud enough to be heard over my I-pod:

1. How their bosses are jerks
2. How their commutes stink
3. How their wives bother them about how they don't make enough money
4. About how expensive it is to raise kids
5. About how they would love to move into a bigger house but they can't afford one

I wish I had some ironic twist to find the humor in the situation, but I couldn't.

Apple is introducting an I-phone and an I-TV. Is their new business model take an I-pod and add it to an existing item. If so here are some future products

1. I-Wad. A balled up bunch of wet paper that plays podcasts.
2. I-Sod. Really green grass that sells for 10 dollars a square yard and also plays the new Arcade Fire song.
3. I-Izod-Pod Casual clothing for the ruggedly handsome fortysomething businessman who wants access to all his Jimmy Buffett MP3's.
4. I-Cape Cod. Large Penninsula off of Massachuestts that which also plays episodes of Lost.
5. I-God. Omnipotent entity that you can also view pictures of your vacation to Hamburg on.

I am in Chicago on Business. Since 50% of my time is spent in a cubicle and 50% of my time is spent in meetings where nothing is accomplished except for people stroking their ego, a business trip has always had this allure. Then you end up sitting next to a woman who doesn't life to fly, and is worried about missing her connecting flight to Cincinatti, and when she hears you live in the New York area proceeds to tell you about every contrived touristy thing she did over her long weekend. My I-pod is still 100% charged for the ride home, and four sudoku's on the in flight magazines are unsolved. This is the jet-set life you envision when you choose Finance as a major.

Three things that would make life easier.

1. Require taxi drivers to have the pass that lets them go through tolls. I don't understand why every person doesn't have one of these. Even if you only use it once a year it is worth it.
2. Get rid of USA Today. If the hotel industry stopped buying USA Today it would go out of business in less than a week. To paraphrase my dad's old boss, "The fact that USA Today uses trees that might one day provide oxygen that I might need to breath troubles me"
3. 40 Million Dollars

Did anyone else Moviefone tickets for Freedom Writers starring Hilary Swank?

My favorite corporate thing of all times has to be the "I am going to email you and cc someone because I don't have the guts to actually say what I am about to say to your face" email.

It's the nasty cousin to the "I am going to email something flirtatious to you that I would never say to you in person, and hopefully that inspires some chemistry" email that we all did in our single days.

The only difference is that the first has someone in a cubicle twisting their moustache thinking "Ooh I got them" while the second has someone at their cubicle trying to somehow coerce an email mention of Grey's Anatomy into a witty invitation for drinks at O'Hara's Olde Tyme Pub. Either way it is the act of the desperate.

My New Years Resolution:

Enjoy

The Police might be reuniting.

I often cannot understand the thoughts of a celebrity. The act of a famous band getting back together, is one that I can.

Story One

My Junior year of college I was involved in this competition where we ran a fictional business. It was me and two other dudes. That spring semester we spent hour after hour analyzing numbers, creating fake annual reports and taking fake pictures of us in suits looking like were were professionals. We also spent a lot of time hanging out. A lot of time drinking Coronas. The culmination of this competition was five days in San Jose. Those five days I don't think I ever had a moment to myself. We were either working on making business decisions, hitting on competitors from Arizona and California, which to our East coast souls were a new brand, or drinking in the hot tub talking about girls and the business. We slept for maybe four hours each night, but it was tremendous. The competition ended and we did not place but we were known as the rugby song singing guys from the East. The final night we were there we stayed up all night with some girls from Arizona and Idaho, laughing to the point where our sides hurt. At 1AM we kidnapped the airport shuttle to take us to the liquor store and then got the liquor store to put our receipt as snacks since our per diem didn't cover alcohol. The next day we flew back to Rhode Island exhausted, and I wrote a paper on Reaganomics. It was some of the most fun, intense days of my life.

Fast forward to the following spring. We are all Seniors. One of the guys was moving to DC to be an accountant. The other was moving to Boston and I was moving to NYC. We decide to head to the local watering hole to get the band back together. I remember there were emails hyping the night. There were inside jokes that nobody would ever understand lobbed. I was so excited I canceled going to a party some girls were throwing.

It was a fun time, we had a lot of laughs, a lot of beer. It wasn't the same though. I was home that night by 10:30 and had time to hit the other party.

When I think back on the night it was nothing special and yet I am glad that I did it. I met up with one of the other guys a few months back (Now 9 years after the time in San Jose) for a few drinks and again it was nice and fun and comfortable.

Story Two:
I am interning in Hartford Connecticut. The last weekend before I am to move back to college, we throw a two-kegger with all the interns and a lot of the full time people. The weeks before this I am having lunch with one of the full timers. She happens to have many of the qualities that I thought I wanted in a wife, much less summer love. She comes to the party. We spend 3 hours outside in the shade of a Maple Tree, until close to 4 in the morning. We discuss our fears, our hopes, our dreams, we kissed. That Monday is my 21st birthday. We go out in Hartford she shows up dressed to kill. I spend most of the time away from my other friends and with her. That Wednesday we go to lunch and she starts talking about coming to visit me back in Rhode Island. That Thursday we spend 2 hours on the phone again sharing company secrets.

That Friday, we have a bar crawl (being an intern is the greatest) She shows up and it is awkward. There was this tension build up and we both knew there was this expectation that in the warmth of the August night we would fall in love. The other interns knew it, her co-workers knew it. I put on my best shirt. So we hit the first bar and talk a bit, at the second bar though we are split up. The third bar, same. Finally around bar number five we meet up and she says that she has to go talk to someone. She does. Bar 8 and now I am wondering what is going on, I walk into where there is a dance floor. Bam. She is not just kissing, but making out with some other dude. Lets just say the night ends with there being more liquid in the Lake than usual.

I go home and wake up the next morning to move. I get a call from her asking how I liked the crawl. I said fine. She said she was sorry that we didn't cross paths more, but that she would call me in a few weeks. Over the course of the next year, being the nice guy that I am, I flung emails here and there with her. The day after my college graduation I am to go to Hartford for a concert, the plan was to meet up with her afterwards at her apartment. She had mentioned that she was single again and she was looking forward to seeing me. I go to her apartment. I walk in and it screams I am a lonely woman. There are too many Disney movies by the VCR. There are too many post it notes around the place to remind her where stuff is. She was 22 years old and had a full KitchenAid mixer like the Field got for a shower gift. The conversation was awkward and much less longer than I think either of us had anticipated. We left with a hug and I think have emailed twice since.

Why do I tell these two stories? Because when I read the story about the Police I felt it was much too easy to make a Roxanne, I won't be watching you joke, when in a way the desire to revisit the past is so much a part of life, even though it never really works out. Because all we are is Spirits in the Material World.

Actual email exchange I just had with the winner of our Fantasy Football League.

The Lake: What are you going to do with the winnings
The Winner: Probably blow it all on Superhero busts.

I honestly don't know if he is a comedic genius or a completely different person than I thought he was.

Smokie the Bear now says, "Only you can prevent wildfires" instead of Forest fires.

The problem I have always had with Smokie the Bear, is that we are to believe that a bear who only thinks about food and sleeping for long periods of time now cares about forest fires is silly.

That is why I prefer Smokies cousin Winnie the Pooh and Yogi. Realistic depictions of bears.

My five New Years Resolutions

1. Write a symphony
2. Finish coloring the Scooby-Doo and the Haunted Aquarium coloring book
3. Learn how to tie knots
4. Wash the outside of my apartment windows
5. Use Excel and Powerpoint more
   

Best news of 2007 so far

5 Disappointments from 2006

1. My attempts to write the definitive book on alchemy failed. Although I was able to turn tin into an erasable pen, which proves to be fairly useless.
   
2. My Ninja Training was stalled again this year. This is due to the fact that every time I pick up a nunchuck I somehow nail myself in the testicles and end up crying and asking for Mommy. She doesn't answer so I play her podcast over and over on my I-pod until I can stand again.
3. Superman and Rocky returned and yet nobody even thinks about making a sequel to Secrets of the Ya-Ya sisterhood. There have to be more secrets.
   
4. It is still unproven that Ziggy is not a hermaphrodite.
5. Still no leg hair.
   

Slinger posted this
Thought I would answer for him.

Top 10 questions for the transition from '06 to '07

1. Which cable news channel will have the best "2006 In Review" ? Al-Jazeera
2. Which network will have the lamest New Years Eve bash? Lifetime (A marathon of girl gets date-raped movies hosted by Judith Light)
3. Why do people feel the need to say "See you next year!" and think it is clever? All of them
4. How many times will Pam Anderson get married/divorced in 2007? None this is the year she gets her act together
5. When will the media realize that we don't care what Paris and Lindsay are doing at the clubs? Never because people do care... and that's the sadder point.
6. Will K-Fed make a comeback? Well that assumes he ever came in the first place. (There is a joke about having four kids with three mothers in there, but my post below about the obvious joke refuses my right to make it)
7. How many more terms will G.W. come up with in 2007 to avoid using the word "Civil War" in Iraq? 34, but it will take him until November because originally he will think a Thesaurus is the one with three horns that Fred used as a dishwasher in the Flintstones
8. How will O.J. Simpson spend his new year? Searching for the Real Killer and Sudoku
9. Will Hollywood realize that Russell Crowe is a jackass, and his window of fame is closed? Yes but he threw a telephone through the window so now technically it is still open
10. Could 2007 possibly be a year without having to attend a wedding? The odds are good! Impossible. Right now every man's significant other is looking to make friends with someone who is close to getting married.

I went to a TGIfridays last night for the first time in probably 3 years or so. I don't eat at Chain restaurants (except for Hooters and only on Ladies Night) normally. I once made an argument maybe even here that I would rather eat a crappy meal than a mediocre meal. Here is the thing though is I can understand why TGIFridays works. The food is reasonably priced and they have a lot of mixtures of flavors that if I were to be on the Family Feud and the category was "Foods that the typical American likes" I would guess. Then the wait staff is filled with the kind of kids who if the drama club put on a performance of Grease wouldn't play Sandy or Danny, but would have been the attractive members of their crews. It creates this nice illusion of fun. It creates a feeling of satisfaction. If TGIFridays was a TV show it would be King of Queens. There may be over the course of the duration one or two highlights, one or two lowlights, but most of it is on the good side of mediocrity.

I think that says something about America, especially when every other chain including 3 or 4 that I have never heard of are within a 5 minute drive from where we were. As someone who struggles with capital "C" Corporations on a daily basis, I think when I eat at TGIFriday's I am not part of the solution, I am part of the problem. I could never get that far because I was distracted by music I think I like, by 85 menu items, Free refills, by a waitress that looked like Katie Holmes before she got weird. And here is my grand point, thats what the best corporations do, they overload your senses. At Fridays' they give you food that is just good enough, mixed with alcohol, prices just reasonable enough, seats that are comfortable, etc,etc. And your employers do the same. They pay you just enough, they give you benefits that are just enough, work that is challenging just enough, bullshit that is just enough, Then they mix in enough fear and blame.

And don't even get me started on Quizno's.

IS there anything more awkward when someone must have had killed with a joke with some other crowd, but then meets up with another group that is more sophisticated, (the group that you are a part of, since obviously Lake readers are smart). The person tries it once and it gets a few nods of acknowledgement. Then, though, like Hercules rolling up the ball or some other metaphor for persistance, they keep trying it, thinking that the people are not seeing the genius in the joke, when really the joke just wasn't that clever.

To me one of the unfunniest things in the world, more unfunny than death of Presidents, disease, unrhyming couplets and leafblowers with their motor burned out is when someone makes the obvious joke instesad of seising that moment to put some spin on the backhand or English on the cue ball to make the more interesting play.

What incident in particular am I referring to, well there are too many to name...

2 Statistic questions that I wonder...

1. How do suicide hotlines calculate their success rate?
2. Are colorblind people more or less racist than the general population?

James Brown, Gerald Ford... if I was a famous person with a one syllable last name whose vowel is an "o", I would probably wait for the light to change before crossing the street.

Rest in peace.

The Lake is Catholic, the Field is Protestant. So This was my first time celebrating Chirstmas at their service. The big difference, the Protestants never met a verse they didn't sing.

It is supposed to hit 60 degrees today in New York City. Here at the lake we just got some popsicles and Gatorade to leave out for Santa.

I am exhausted.

Update: Update: I feel like Jerry Seinfeld when he gets the Royalty Checks from the Super Terrific Happy Hour. Do you know how hard it is to write 25 checks?

Update: My Yankee Swap/ White Elephant Gift is 25 one dollar checks. I called my bank this morning and I have no check fees.

And done.

Why if I was on the Price is Right and the first showcase has a new car I will always take it...

In January of 2000, my roommate and I got a flyer in our mail saying that a dumpy casino in Atlantic City had midweek rates of 26 dollars a night. We, at the time, were pretty much gambling on everything. It was perfect. We both get home from work and drive the 3 hours to get there. We stay up all night winning lots of money and having a too many Gin and Tonics. Finally, as the sun was coming up we call it a night, get a few hours of sleep. We then grab some breakfast and head over to another casino and win. Not a huge amount but we are probably both up 600. We grab a late lunch and decide to head home. As we are heading to the car, while still in the casino we see a place where you can get a back rub for a dollar a minute. We both kind of look at each other and say why not. So we walk in. The person at the counter says 10 dollars minimum. We so fine. Out comes this absolutely gorgeous Asian woman. I defer her to my roommate, assuming that if she is this good whoever is number two has to be at least equally good. Then comes out this guy who looks like the informant in a bad Kung Foo movie. He says in broken English "you here" pointing at his chair. I responded, "No I'll just wait for her" He says, "No worry I be good." I didn't want to offend so I sat down. For the first minute I was incredibly self-conscious that this man was rubbing my back. Then for the next nine minutes I half relaxed and thought about how my Roommate was enjoying the Jukebox, the Trip to Tahiti and the New Car, and I was stuck with kitchen furnature, a bumper pool table and a dune buggy. So if I ever go the Price is Right and get to the Showcase Showdown and the first one has a car, I am going for that one, because the second one sometimes is better but can often be worse.

The hot new thing as least in my sphere if influence is pine cones scented with cinnamon that you put out like potpourri in your house. We have some and I know of at least three other places that have them. At first it is nice, but after a few days your house begins to smell like the bathroom of my freshman dorm after someone drank way too much Goldschlager.

Thoughts on the Holiday Season

1. When is PETA going to get on Santa's case for the reindeer?
2. Are there any other Nogs? Why don't we have Bread Nog or Grape Nog or Carrot Nog?
3. Where are all the pretty girls when I walk by mistletoe. I think my record is Aunt Millie 40 times, Young, pretty, unrelated girls never.
4. These "Elves" what do they get paid, what are their working conditions like? It sounds like the biggest labor scam since Kathie Lee and Nike hired kids at pennies a day.
5. When will there be an E True Hollywood Story on Cindy Lou Who?
6. Six geese a laying, Four calling birds, Three French Hens, Two turtle doves And a Partridge in a pear tree, I fully admit that I know nothing about what women want, but I have got to believe it is not their own flying zoo.
7. If I had to chose, I think I would choose Comet to guide my sled, Prancer to decorate it, and Blitzen to be the bartender at the after party... it just seems right.
8. What fun is it in the middle of winter to ride in a one horse open sleigh? I have to think, its snowing out and cold, give me a 3 or 4 horse closed sleigh away from the cold and the smell of horses. Sit in there and enjoy a mug of Grape Nog? Now... Oh what fun.
9. What is Boxing Day?
10. When is Santa going to be on Springer? A big Fat guy that lives in the middle of nowhere, works one day a year and has a bunch of midgets running around, Its either Springer or a Kid Rock Video.
11. He sees you when you're sleeping, he knows when you're awake. Is that Santa or the Bogeyman?
12. Has any one ever tasted a second bite of Fruitcake?
13. You know who had a lot of patience, Mary. She has just given birth to the Savior of the world. She is shacked up in some barn with animals and three guys on camels. All she probably wants to do is put baby Jesus to sleep and get some sleep herself. But then comes allong this scrappy little kid with a drum. Now I know nothing about raising children, but I think I know that new born children probably don't react well to professional drummers. I mean if Max Weinberg or the one armed guy from Def Leopard were there I would guess you would not want them playing, but to ad insult to injury here is a little boy wiith a drum who probably sounds like Animal from the Muppets on Coke playing his drums as a gift. And Mary lets him do it and even somehow gets Jesus to smile at the boy.
14. Do they still make Mangers?

Yes Today is the Reflections From the Lake Holiday Spectacular and One Day Sale. But first a musical observation that maybe only I care about.

The beginning to Neil Diamond's Cherry, Cherry is very very similar to beginning of John Cougar Mellencamp's R.O.C.K in the USA.

What I always wondered was R.O.C.K an acronym and if so for what?

One of the Vice-Presidents pegged me yesterday as surely one of the people who brings a gag gift for our Yankee Swap thing on Thursday. There is nothing further from the truth. I usually give wine or alcohol, at least that way if they drink it fast enough on Christmas Eve they can position me in a good light. The problem with Gag gifts are that they are never really that funny. What is funny about a coffee mug that says "World's Worst Boss" or a Staples "Easy" Button. We have a 25 dollar limit to this adventure in unfun (and I don't say that because I am a Grinch), but honestly what is fun about buying something only to exchange it for something you would never buy? Anyhow, yesterday combining this VP's assumption that I was a gag-gifter and my own thoughts on what to purchase I came up with Reflections of the Lake Gag Gift For the Yankee Swap Buying Guide

1. Copies of the books Resumes and Interviewing Skills for Dummies
2. 25 Dollars worth of Rape Whistles and Mace
3. A years subscription of National Geographic
4. A 25 dollars savings bond (in Canadian currency)
5. A coupon that says you will give that person whatever you won in the Yankee Swap
6. 25 one dollar gift certificates to 25 different stores
7. 25 dollars worth of bottles of sparkling non-alcoholic grape juice.
8. DVDs of United 93 and World Trade Center
9. An offering to pay 25 dollars of their next Cable Bill
10. A Gap Gift Card

One minute movie review. The Field and I went and saw, For Your Consideration, the new Christopher Guest movie. Guest departed from his mockmunetary style to form more of a narrative. I don't know if this suited his improvised style. There are some funny moments. Fred Willard is as always a genius. But at the end of the movie we looked at each other and said, thats it.
The lake gives it 2 and half billion out of 5 billion stars. (I would show you the associated graphic but it takes too long to load)

9 Everyday products and their inventor

1. The Napkin, Robert Napkin
2. The Computer, Rex Comp and Linda Puter
3. CNN. Charles Nathan North
4. Thermostats Poppy Thermostat
5. Doors, Lewis Dornberg
6. Ben and Jerry's Ice Cream, Oliva Ben and Felix Jerry
7. Jackets, John It
8. Yellow, Hector Yallow
9. Apathy at work, the founder of the modern corporation Henry Ford

Yesterday I had a passion-fruit margarita at a going away lunch for a co-worker. It was delicious but I don't think it helped my street cred.

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Today's Obvious Business Tip of the Day.

If given the choice to be a jerk or be nice: choose being a jerk.

Can anyone recommend a book written in Second Person?

I read Bright Lights, Big City.

4 Ways that Gingerbread Cookies are better than the New York Times Arts and Leisure Section

1. Gingerbread Cookies do not annoyingly address celebrities by their title such as Mr. Mrs. Ms., Dr. or Rev. When I read an article that refers to Mr. Pitt I think of Elaines boss on Seinfeld or whatever they call Dr. Pepper in the south, not the first part of Brangelina
2. Gingerbread cookies liked Borat
3. Gingerbread cookies take a week to be stale.
4. Gingerbread cookies only leave crumbs on your hands, which can be removed by brushing your hand against your corduroys allowing the crumbs to fall to the ground. The New York Times Arts and Leisure section leaves newsprint which require a visit to a sink with soap appropriate for washing hands.

Obvious Business Tip of the Day

One way to propel your career. When all the people in the office pool money together for one of those lottery pools, don't buy in. When they win, you will be the only person sticking around to do the work and will have to get a promotion.

Ding-Dong

So we have an office in Chicago. Actually somewhere north of Chicago.

For six months I have been slated to visit the folks who work there. It was originally sold to me as we go out there, do the meeting on a Wednesday, Wednesday night we spend in the Windy City, Thursday we catch a game at Wrigley, and then catch a flight home and then if we are too tired, work from home on Friday. Sounded like a nice trip.

Now I am going the first week in January where I heard the weather forecast is -44 with a wind chill of absolute zero. The good thing is that I have a whole slate of trips set up in 2007

In April I am going to visit our office in Malaysia in the rainy season
In July I am going to visit Costa Rica in the Malaria season
In August we have a three day offsite on the Sun.
In October I have to visit our Tuscon office when Tucson doesn't have gravity or change for twenties.

The new year is going to be spectacular.

5 Topics I would like to write a poem about but am too busy. Which may or may not be inspired by thumbing through an old yearbook recently.

1. About how the color of the sky moments before the sun crosses the horizon at sunrise is the most beautiful color in the world, and how it's a shame that so few people ever get to experience it on a regular basis; and use that as a metephor for my performance in the sixth grade Science fair
2. About a caterpillar who dies before she gets to be a butterfly. I want this to be a portrait of my crush on my Seventh grade English teacher.
3. About a windchime and the sound it doesn't make on a windless day, and the yearning it feels. This would be an expression of how I used to feel in Confirmation class in eighth grade when the teacher would play her Gordon Lightfoot records to teach us about Jesus.
4. About a Porcupine that has no quills and therefore cannot fall in love. This would be about my experience in the ninth grade when people wore a those baggy MC Hammer pants all the time, but I once wore a Christmas sweater to a dance. I was trying to look handsome not cool. Little did I know that 14 year old girls have no interest in Handsome.
5. About the small amount of time between when a person hears a bone snap and break and they start to scream. About the time in tenth grade Sociology class when I got a 52 on a test about "Brave New World".

6 Ways that Gingerbread Cookies are not helping OJ find the Real Killer

1. Gingerbread Cookies are neglecting their forensic science courses in favor of being shaped into houses.
2. Gingerbread cookies are busy being available for sale in your local grocery store rather than reexamining the testimony of OJ Simpson and the detectives of the LAPD.
3. Gingerbread cookies have way too much interest in this season of America's Next Top Model.
4. Gingerbread cookies have been seen in many paparazzi photos with OJ in Miami and Sarasota.
5. Gingerbread cookies cousin Oatmeal Cookie once dated Mark Fuhrman.
6. Gingerbread cookies have no memory.

There only one sport and one team that the Lake cares about. The Patriots. There is still a part of me that thinks things can happen. There is also a part of me that thinks there is still another good album in Counting Crows.

Sorry the Lake was frozen over for a bit.

But don't fret This week is "Make Completely Implausible Comparisons to Gingerbread Cookies Week"

5 Ways that Gingerbread Cookies are better than Speed Dialing on your Cell Phone and 1 way they are not
1. When your girlfriend breaks up with you for no apparent reason other than you play too many video games, you don't have to delete Ginger Bread Cookies.
2. If you have Gingerbread cookies in your pocket and you go to confession, Gingerbread cookies do not rub against your keys and accidentally call your boss.
3. If you are out of range for your phone coverage area and hungry you can't eat speed dialing but you can eat Gingerbread Cookies.
4. If you ever were at a picnic and were looking for a friend who had yet to show up while enjoying watermelon on a table that is wobbly. You can use a Gingerbread cookie to prop up the table while you called looking for your friend.
5. Gingerbread cookies can feed a duck, Speed Dialing can only feed your ego

1. Gingerbread cookies are not free on Nights and Weekends

2 Weeks from Today... The Lake Holiday Blowout. (Really more of the same, but with a little effort implied)

9 out of every ten emails is junk mail, according to this New York Time Reports.

Here are some obvious explanations:
1. Every male in the United States needs some help
2. There are a lot of Rich royals from Rwanda who need help transferring money
3. For every proven medical remedy there is a cheap over the counter herbal remedy
4. There are a lot of people who have tremendous stock tips that feel like giving them out for free
5. Every attractive female between 18-24 is lonely.
6. Companies that make Spam blockers send most of the spam to make their product more attractive and more profitable. Could they do such a thing?

One of the Greatest Seinfeld scenes ever comes from the episode the switch. George's plan for Jerry to switch dating roommates goes awry and it turns out the roommates want a threesome with Jerry to play the part of hypotenuse. Jerry is disgusted, but George so impressed at how well the plan works says, "That is like discovering Plutonium by Accident"

I thought about this when the whole Anthrax scare happened (as an aside how come we never hear any follow-up to that, I don't buy conspiracy theories, but it's equally as scary that we can't find the Anthrax people or Bin Laden), and I am reminded of it now with Plutonium in London. Everywhere they go these days they are finding trace amounts of Plutonium and they think it is related to this Russian spy. Well here is a question, why not look for Plutonium in a middle sized city that the Russian Spy never visited, like Kansas City? What if you find trace amounts there, or trace amounts of Anthrax? Could it be that there are just trace amounts everywhere and if you keep searching you will always find it. Not sure, but it might be worth a look-see.

• I am a member of our Floor's Fire Squad. We have a meeting next week. It potentially may be the most productive meeting of 2006.
• My favorite December movie, and probably my favorite movie of all time, is definitely worth a NetFlix this Christmas. The Apartment by Billy Wilder and staring Jack Lemmon and Shirley Maclaine captures December in New York, the politics of an office, the heartache of a crush and so much more humanity. It does it with such subtlety, humor and reality that even though the movie is 46 years old it hasn't aged a day.
• I have a paper cut on the piece of skin in between my thumb and my index finger. Why do they make paper so sharp?
• Are Sun Dried Tomatoes more expensive in rainy places like Seattle or London?
• If you get a chance check out Man vs. Wild on Discovery.
• The Colts are not as good as you think, but I still wouldn't want to play them.
• R has petitioned to be considered a vowel
• The song One Night in Bangkok is tough to get our of your head
• This weekend the Field and I are getting our first Christmas Tree. We currently have four ornaments so we may have a Beanie baby squirrel as our Angel.

Am I a party pooper if I don't participate in Secret Santa?

6 Backup Reindeer for Santa's Sleigh

1. Chuckie the Brown-nose Reindeer
2. Robert the Limper
3. Tina (Santa's attempt at Gender Equality)
4. Blitzen Jr. (He's Legacy)
5. Hoppy (His Great Grandfather was a Kangaroo)
6. Willard (Is actually a flying elk)

Two interesting sites for completely different reasons

http://marmadukeexplained.blogspot.com/

http://web.yes.com/yes-nation/

BRADY

Sick

http://www.damninteresting.com/?p=417

This is one of those things in life that we have all experienced but have no idea that is actually a named experience.

I remember it happened a few years ago for me with the word nonplussed.

David Cross covers Bank of America guy covers U2

A couple of weeks ago I posted the original of the Bank of America guy singing One. Now David Cross, who is one of the funniest comedians out there, does a cover of the guy doing a cover. Meta-Genius

My friend, who I will call the Cliff, and I have a performance art piece we eventually want to do. The goal would be to find a bar in Manhattan with the following characteristics:

1. A Goldilocks amount of afternoon mid-week regulars (not too many and not too few)
2. A jukebox, the old kind that plays whatever songs are played and cannot be fast-forwarded
3. Lighting enough for some filming

The Cliff and the Lake would walk in and enjoy a beer. We then would put a dollar in the jukebox and play some standard bar type of songs (I am thinking Solsbury Hill, Layla (the original version), Rio by Duran Duran and Tom Sawyer by Rush). Rio would be our cue to go to the jukebox again. We then would put a five dollar bill into the machine hopefully inducing 25 songs. We then would pick REM's Everybody Hurts 25 times in a row and walk out. We would then film the next 75 minutes. If we then did this 10-20 times I think we could edit it together into at least a 84 minute documentary for Sundance.

I referenced Teen Wolf 2 Below. Someone could totally make a comedy about an affable werewolf now.

Imagine Vince Vaughn as a used car salesman/ladies man who finds out he is a Werewolf a few days before the President's Day Sale in Miami on a full moon. Fred Willard will be his taskmaster boss, Steve Carrell could be his overachieving rival (who in the end we find out is actually a Werehamster). The two female leads would be a werewolf hunter who is looking for a used Van, and the sweet werewolf scientist from the local University who is tracking down VV's character.

The Title: Dino Wolf and the President's Day Sale.

I have never been to either Alabama or Arkansas and yet if you were to ask me to describe a person from that state, there would be different descriptions. I wonder if people in Arkansas think the same about New Jersey and Pennsylvania?

Is there something that exists that you try for the first time or see for the first time and you ask yourself how could I have gotten this far with this not even hitting my radar?

My last nine in this Genre
1. Orange Tic-Tacs
2. Renegade South American Dictators
3. Wind Chimes
4. Highlighters in colors other than yellow
5. Teenwolf 2 (Jason Bateman)
6. That 197 is a prime number
7. Bicycles where the front tire is really big and the back is smaller
8. Edna St. Vincent Millay
9. Red Cabbage

Only 1 and 9 are true.

In defense of Rachael Ray

When I saw this headline on CNN, I immediately thought the byline was going to be somebody like Beatrice Ray or Eunice Ray or Rachael Ray Sr.

Here is the thing, there are two types of people that watch cooking shows, people who are food snobs and people who could give an undercooked capon's breast about cooking and just want to be entertained. The first watch all of those nap-inducing PBS shows like Julia Child or Greetings from the Boring Cooking School. The second love Iron Chef, Emerill, or Yan can Cook.

Rachael, appeals to neither. The first group immediately scoff and almost vomit their truffle infused rabbit when they hear her say the first ingredient is frozen tater tots. The second group almost vomit their third helping of Doritos dipped in Velveeta when they hear her, cat rolled over by a desk chair, voice.

I don't know why but certain celebrities annoy the Lake. Hilary Duff, Racheal Ray, the annoying uncle that did the Bullwinkle impersonations on Full House. That's fine, we all have our own preferences, shoot the Field hates Scarlett Johannson. If there are people who need defense it isn't RR, it's people who at least spell their first name correctly. Stay tune for my article entitled In Defense of Rabid Woodchucks from Arkansas (It's the first in a series).

Holiday Party tomorrow night.

Every Holiday Party I have ever been to has had the following characters from central casting.

1. Young Attractive Immigrant who wears something that in 2006 is borderline inappropriate, but in 1990 would have been completely inappropriate.
2. Married guy with 3-4 small kids who looks forward to this night starting in about July. Usually drinks a few too many Amstel Lights. Towards the end of the night spends too much time with number one.
3. Young male, recent college grad who still feels he needs to capitalize on an open bar to the point of at least one or two really awkward comments, but often to lead to enough beer courage for him to think the single 36 year old VP who still goes to the gym every day at lunch is into him.
4. The Dancing Geek. The guy who probably spent his entire high school years as Dungeon Master, his college years as late night college radio DJ and currently knows way to much about Spiderman 3, and yet somehow can dance.
5. The once bitten woman. You can immediately spot her by her mixing every other white wine with a glass of water. She promises herself that what happened in 2002 will never happen again.
6. The Greaser. The career climber who uses the truth serum of free Corona to try and pump you for any inside information you may have, that may help him strategically in the coming months.
7. The Ansel Adams. There is always one person, who I can guarantee isn't drinking, there with a camera. They usually email the pictures before work even starts the next day.
8. The Lake. The bitter guy who will over the course of the evening, estimate how much this is costing, be forced to dance, will end up in awkward run-ins with Senior Management in the bathroom, and wonder as always why do we have to have it on a Wednesday in November.

Is there anything better sleep wise, then waking up at 3AM feeling completely rested, but still being able to roll over and sleep for another four hours!

13 things you don't know about Pilgrims

1. All the women have two middle names
2. The buckles on their shows are tin
3. They believed in ghosts
4. One of their descendants is Brian Williams from NBC
5. Men could only bathe at night
6. They collected pine cones in hopes of one day inventing peanut butter and bird seed so they could make birdfeeders
7. They could only whistle by sucking in air not blowing out
8. They invented the hatchet, until them all axes were full size
9. The Canadian Pilgrims always felt second class, that's why they forced their Thanksgiving a month early.
10. This item was removed at the request of the National Pilgrim Association
11. The Pilgrams invented the word glacier
12. Jim Henson hated Pilgrams
13. Walla Walla Washington is named after an old Pilgram battle cry.

Happy T-Day.

I am sitting here at the lake, baking a carrot cake
The rain is coming, but I'm not bumming
For what starts today, is some time away
from dreary old Excel, and the office as well.

It was in 1620 when the meal wasn't plenty
on the Mayflower they came, seeking not fortune nor fame
but what we forget, is that a record was set
by a Pilgram named Pete, the chef of the fleet,

For on that cold night, he caused such a fright
for after his ale, he suddenly turned pale
He said to the guests, he had a few requests
"Be not alarmed, for none will be harmed

But I must remind ye, or what tomorrow will be
For in a short while, Children will seek a smile.
So all of you drink greatly, and please slumber lately.
Because I will be at Target, at 5:30 buying toys for little Ichobob and Gertie"

http://www.cnn.com/2006/TECH/science/11/20/polar.bears.ap/index.html

When the news covers bears they always cover Pandas. Polar Bears are by far my favorite bear. I heard a great story once of a guy sea kayaking up in the norther reaches of Canada. A Polar bear spotted him. Now Polar bears are always hungry and never give up when they can see their prey. The guy saw the polar bear and started paddling as the tide was going out so he made good time, but the bear was still there always in the horizon behind him chasing on land. Finally after 11 hours straight of paddling, riding the tide at first and fighting it as he grew tired, he did not see the bear for an hour. So he tied his Kayak to a larger ice floe and tried to sleep. It was the middle of the night and he thought if he were to land the kayak he would leave himself open to attack, but attached to a floe he would be ready to move in minutes time. He was asleep for about an hour when he heard the roar of a polar bear. It was about 100 yards from him. He paddled for 22 more hours straight with the polar bear getting as close as 50 yards and slipping as far as 500 yards away before he came upon a fishing village the bear was scared of. You don't find that kind of determination in a Koala or a Panda.

We got our new corporate mission statement today. One of the bullet points is

Never lose your sense of humor

In some small way reading that made me feel a little bit better about where I work. (now reread this last sentence with a heavy dose of smarmy sarcasm and you will realize I haven't).

I was going to post about my favorite Frasier episode because I thought it was about Thanksgiving, however my memory is shot and it is actually about Christmas

Episode 12: Miracle on Third or Fourth Street - Frasier is looking forward to his first visit from Frederick in time for Christmas, but when the visit is canceled, Frasier takes out his disappointment on his family. He and Martin end up having a vicious argument, and Frasier chooses to spend Christmas Day at the station rather than at work. After spending a day listening to Seattle's loneliest and most depressed people, Frasier trudges to a seedy diner for his Christmas dinner, but gets an unexpected boost of Christmas spirit from the regulars.

10 Things about North America

1. It is has a Sister Continent South America
2. When purchasing a Secret Santa gift it prefers Starbucks Giftcards
3. It often leaves it's cellphone charger in hotels and then gets upset with the hotel when it calls them to get them to mail them back
4. This weekend it is going to see Borat
5. It Tivo's Dancing with the Stars
6. It has planned a vacation for President's Weekend
7. It has to leave early today
8. It's son wants a Playstation 3 for breakfast
9. It had Subway for lunch today
10. It is Yellow

That actually isn't North America, that is everything I have learned about a new employee this week.

My immigration solution.

Give every citizen in the US a pass which upon turning 18 years old they could use to allow one person into the country. You get one your entire life and you get it when you sign up for Selective Service. Now you could use your one as you see fit. You could use it to go backpacking in Sweden and fall in love and get married and bring your wife back to Akron. You could use it to sell to a Greek Shipping Baron who would like to be allowed to work out of Houston. You could hold onto it in case you ever meet someone you feel should be allowed in the US. You could donate it to a refuge organization and let someone from East Timor move to the US to pursue a better life. You could use it however you would like, but you only get one.

Then we limit our immigration to political asylum seekers and those people who people in the United States are vouching for. I am sure somewhere in there this idea can be attacked as racist, sexist, discriminatory in some way, but then the current way of doing things could be attacked the same way.

Why I am Proud of the Field's Profession!

TIME magazine has come out with it's top 100 albums since some random date. One thing I like about lists like this is that you can immediately find one album that discredits the writers credentials so you never have to get to #100. If your list of top 100 albums includes the Eagles. I stop reading.

Today's Easy Word Jumble
Topic: Women's Names

Alicai
Lias
Tiffayn
Jlli
ollyP
essicaJ

Time Limit 15 Minutes.

One metaphor that I like to think of from time to time is the one of men in a foxhole in WWII. These men are young guys from small towns. They have traveled across the world to Europe or Asia to defend freedom. They sit at night in the foxhole telling each other that it will be okay, that tomorrow won't be the day they get killed, ambushed or lose a leg. It's a powerful image.

I was thinking about that image today, when I was sitting in a meeting. A meeting that never needed to happen, where everyone who attended just told everyone else what a great job they are doing (even if by all rational measures some of them are not). There weren't enough chairs so I had to sit on a table near the perimeter of the room, physically and psychologically apart from what was going on at the conference table. It made me feel better, because as much as they thought the conference table was a foxhole, it wasn't even close.

Today we have a Division Town Hall. Because of this I offer you the following Quiz

Please place in order of preference the following events

• Division Town Hall
• Being Sprayed in the eye with Windex
• Broken Zippers
• Red Dye Number 4
• Marbury vs. Madison
• Redbook (yes the magazine)
• Black Licorice

Good Luck!

If you have read half of any of my posts, you know that grammer is not one of my stronger suits. With that as an intro, one thing that is interesting to me is the number of people who use "did" wrong. I joke with one of my friends about this, but lately I have heard people who have strong educations from very good schools who would never write a sentence such as

George had did his chores so he could play his oboe freely.

but speak sentences such as

Lucy had did her gorilla feeding, so now we could walk to the ice cream shop.

4 Knock Jokes Involving Elms

Knock Knock
Who's there
Elm
Elm Who
Elmer Fudd

Knock Knock
Who's there
Elm
Elm Who
Elmentary my Dear Watson

Knock Knock
Who's there
Elm
Elm Who
El M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

Knock Knock
Who's there
Elm
Elm Who
Elm Trees from the Park

NY has been passed as well by my wife. Although I think for cutesy blog purposes I am now going to refer to her going forward as the Field. Because the Field is what is next to the Lake.

Three interesting things about Houston.

1. Nobody walks anywhere.
2. I spent the most I ever had on a haircut in the Galleria mall. Normally I get my haircut by an Israeli barber who works in the nooks and cranies of the subway for 9 bucks. I needed to get my hair cut for the wedding. I go to one of those Salons in the mall. 30 bucks. I will say this, they did something that revolutionized how I feel about haircuts. What is the worst part of the haircut. Walking around with bits of cut hair in your doo, until you can shower. Well this place. Washed your hair, cut it. Then when they were done, re-washed it, so all the hair was out, and then styled it. Great idea.
3. I think I could get used to being able to swim in November.

For the three people that know my wife and also read the Lake.. She passed the Bar on the first try in NJ. I don't know who is more relieved.

I love when someone older gets email for the first time. It's like all of a sudden it's 1997 again and for a few weeks I get a bunch of emails about:

1. How Bill Gates will send me $100
2. How Men are like Library Books and Women are like Toothbrushes
3. How Sunscreen causes blindness
4. Jokes where the punchline is "Oh I thought you meant the Pasta Maker"
5. Poems about the importance of loving your life
6. Lists of Jokes by Stephen Wright

Then eventually the novelty of sharing kilobyte after kilobyte of crappy information wears off and they finally figure out what the digital in digital camera means and I start to get pictures about peoples kids and pets who I will never meet.

A creative writing teacher once quoted someone as saying, "Sorry for the long letter, if I had more time it would have been shorter". The bandwith the internet provides allows for great things like blogs (especially ones from lonely cubicle jockey's) but it also allows for people to forward the same 9 forwards around again and again. To each their own.

Great line from over at the Daily Gut...

Rumsfeld's replacement, Robert Gates, is a former CIA chief (back when that
meant something) and a close friend of the Bush family. This is good, as Rove
won't have to waste time briefing him on how they pulled off 9/11.

The Office on NBC has done something incredible. It has taken a show I loved, redone it, and made it into something I love equally as much. Think about how nearly impossible that task is to do.

Imagine you go to a restaurant and order Filet Mignon, that cook then gives his recipe to another cook at another restaurant and you go and order it again, what are the chances that it tastes as good as the first time? close to impossible.

Imagine your favorite band records the best song you have ever heard, then they give their notes and lyrics to another band and that band records the song again and you love it just as much. (I know what you are thinking there are versions of cover songs you like better than the original... but that is liking better. In the cover song debate one always wins out)

Add to the degree of difficulty that arguably The Office is top 5 television writing examples ever.

Ten years from now we will look back at the show with wonder.

9 Things I Don't think about as Much as I Once Did

1. Exponents
2. Swords
3. Death by Meteor Shower
4. Led Zeppelin
5. Batman
6. Velcro Alternatives
7. Alphabetical Order
8. Jen Warner
9. Radio Shack

Told you so

I know a few people that work at Bank of America and I love their passion.

Unfortunately I don't know this guy.



one bank on Vimeo

In recent days my boss, her boss and a colleague of my poss have all said they are moving on. I said to my boss's boss's boss with all these people leaving we should bring back "xxxx" an awful employee from our past.

His response, "It's not so much that they are leaving as they are going someplace else. Think of it as us increasing our virtual team".

This weekend I am going to Houston. If Daylight Savings time makes me grumpy traveling one time zone over does too. I realize what I am about to type is impossible but given the following circumstances imagine that I was given a business trip to visit Chicago. Additionally on the planet Earth there are two duplicate Chicagos. One is located where London is located and one on the shores of Lake Michigan. Other than that for the intentions and purposes that I need to visit it doesn't matter which one I go to. Additionally to get to both Chicagos I can take a mode of transportation that would place me at my hotel in the exact same amount of time. Everything is the same, weather, food, experience, buildings, except that one is an hour behind my normal timezone of Eastern. The other is the five hours plus that London is. I hate so much the one hour shift that I would visit the one in London.
To me if you jolt your body something substantial, sure it screws you up for a day or half a day or whatever, but then you are over it. Where as the one hour just teases you for the whole time you are there. Time for dinner, nope wait an hour. Boy must be time to get up. Nope only sleep another 60 minutes schmuck. Boy I am getting tired. Welp its only 10PM.
I think its this predisposition that makes it a good think that I am not one of those no wrinkle suit wearing airport warriors and am instead a cubicle jockey.

Opportunity N.: What a corporation tells you before they make you work long hours for the same money and more headaches and eventually bring in someone from the outside for a lot more money who is less capable

Four Reasons Why You shouldn't vote.

1. Mathematically your vote doesn't matter.
2. I hate when people say if you don't vote you can't complain. Well if you do vote it's your fault. Always choose silence over guilt.
3. Old women who check your name off lists, scare your.
4. Not a US citizen.

Four Reasons why you may want to vote
1. To impress the hip girl with the "Stop Bush button standing by your polling station"
2. Nothing better to do
3. Finally see what the inside of town hall looks like
4. You like Jury Duty

Four Reasons why you should definitely vote
1. Girlfriend is running for office
2. Mother checks names off the list
3. You own a voting booth rental company
4. As an Alibi.

Every time I read about Hugh Jackman, I think of a sideshow star called Huge Akman.

Similarly the former Baywatch star Donna D'errico I thought she was Donna D. Erico.

Similarly Kate E. Holmes.

I don't think such things however about Michael J. Fox I know it's not Michael Jayfox. I also don't think that Ann B. Davis Ann Bea Davis.

Here is what I don't understand. If you admit no wrong doing then why do you resign?

The excuse of "for the greater good" is BS. The greater good is always the truth.

Genius!

7 Other Myspace Idiots

1. Ted Wilkerton - Posted a picture of Brad Pitt with his head superimposed on Top
2. Jane Walsh - Said she was a fan of Wilco and The Arcade Fire to seem more hip
3. Dr. Phillip Walzman DDS - Posted pictures of clients teeth without their permission, but left their names on the caption
4. Fred Bustman - Posted in his Myspace blog that he completely cheated on his Algebra II mid-term even though one of his buddies was Ralph Gerner president of the Martin Luther King Jr. National Honor Society
5. Reverand Henry Porter - Referred to Sunday's Gospel as being from Luke when it was Mark.
6. Steve Walker - Has a screen name of MuscleMan74, even though he can only bench press 145 pounds
7. Stacy Walker - Has a screen name of BikiniModel 78, even though she wears a one piece when she goes to the tanning salon

I have the start of a zit on my nose.
Also this morning my voice cracked.
I also heard Bon Jovi this morning on the Radio.

I am one sweaty palmed slow dance away from being me at age 12.

Proof that the Chinese are Smart

Last summer I went down to Atlantic City on a Saturday night to play some poker with my roommate. We play all day, I am up like $200 and have quite a number of cocktails. We decide to get up from the table and walk around and see the sights. Not 10 minutes later, I run into someone from work. First, she is dressed nothing like she does at work. She is dressed to go out and pick up a guy. Second, we immediately, independently realize we need to acknowledge each other. There was a noticible pause followed by an awkward hug/kiss hello. I wish that was an isolated incident. Here are some estimated statistics.

Percentage of Females I know I am on a hug hello/hug goodbye basis: 50%
Percentage of Males: 4%
Percentage of Females occassionally there is a hug involved 20%
Males: 3%
Percentage of Hugs per year that are not awkward: 50%
Percentage excluding my wife: 98.3%

In the end my thoughts on Hugs:
Aunt at a family reunion - Fine.
Mom on Mothers Day - Fine
Softball Teammate after winning the league championship - Okay but you must also tap their shoulder very forcefully
Friends Girlfriend or ex-co worker - You should just be able to nod your head as if to indicate "Yes, I acknowledge we know each other & yes it is good to see you again, but also we don't need to press each others bodies near each other to prove that"

No Grunting

Here is the Lake's 7 Things you should also never hear at the Gym

1. Debbie Gibson so loud you can hear it over a person's headphones
2. Anyone on the Stairmaster talking on their cell phone about their bowel movements
3. Rachael Ray on the TV
4. Someone on the Treadmill working the rosary beads
5. The fart sound that is made when someone in a sweaty T-shirt does sit-ups on a rubber mat
6. Any man with a shaved chest who talks about "enjoying the burn" of benchpressing 500 pounds
7. The cry of a man whose personal trainer whacked him with a medicine ball in the crotch

The girl who sits right next to me is my kryptonite. She is such a genuinely nice person that I can't even respond sarcastically to such gimme's as:

• Does anyone have a need for extra ice skating tickets?
• Is anyone else sad about Reese and Ryan?
• I am collecting money for homeless dogs does anyone want to contribute

In college I had a boss who was all Unicorns, Puppies, and Cupcakes. She would dot her i's with stars and hearts. She owned every Disney movie. She would tell us how great we were. She would email us inspirational thoughts. She would take interest in our personal lives. She really seemed like she cared. Then one day I needed to do something. It wasn't a big thing, but it would mean that I would miss watching Dawson's Creek or where she was making lasagna for everyone. Immediately she turned, the sweetness was completely drained. It was all a ruse. It was all a sham. She was faking it all. She was still my boss so I still had to play some of the reindeer games, but on the inside and in asides with colleagues I mocked it all. Somewhere though I still have the sticker she gave me "Who I am Makes a Difference". Yeah Okay.

But now the girl sitting next to me is so altruistic, so earnest, so sincere that I just can't mock. In a way it is refreshing, in a way it is a nice change from my first instinct to be snarky, in a way it is completely frustrating. Besides all of that, the homeless dogs of New York are now 5 dollars richer.

This is a horrible story. First it is horrible for the kids, but then it is horrible for Duct Tape which for many years has had a very positive influence on childrearing.

For Example.

1977. I was one, and received a ball of Duct Tape as a pacifier
1979. In a fit of alcoholic rage Cindy Winslow's father rips the head off of her stuffed Walrus, Mr Wum-Wum. He tapes it back on with Duct Tape
1981. Leornard Mack uses Duct Tape to strap in his child Pete's carseat as the 1974 Pinto station wagon has broken seatbelts
1985: While taking his son Rex to a topless bar, and not wanting to expose his child to the debauchery, Rex Sawyer puts a Duct Tape blindfold on little Eddie.
1987. Instead of sending his daughter Lucy to summer camp for soccer, Gene Reynolds Duct Tapes a Soccer Ball to the clothesline and has her practice kicking
1991. Mrs. Porter uses Duct Tape on the front door when her daughter does not make her 10:45 curfew
1995. Ned Cole uses Duct Tape to attach his son's "F" on a paper about the Scarlet Letter to his chest for an entire Saturday

As someone who has on many occasasions tried to say something funny or biting and had it not be perceived with the same sense of humor or cleverness that it did in my head before I said it, people need to give Kerry a break.