Yesterday they actually made me work the whole day. Yesterday was one of those days...

Awesome Picture

So the Mona Lisa might be pregnant according to new analysis. The top five suspects:

1. Kevin Federline
2. The pitchfork dude
3. This guy
4. This Guy
5. Artificial Insemination.

I read a fairly interesting book a few years ago, "Why do Buses come in Threes?" It is all about math applications in everyday life. One of the things it talks about is the frequency of once in a life time occurrences. Last year, two days before New Years, I ran into a Finance professor of mine from college coming out of customs in Heathrow airport. That to me was a mindblowing coincidence. But here is the thing, in airports I have run into people I used to work with, people I went to college with, people who I know from my days doing improv etc etc. Here, roughly is the math, and any math professors please feel free to expand. The chances of me running into my professor in Heathrow Airport at that time unknowingly over the course of my life time might be 1 in a million. But lets say that over the course of my life time my circle of knowledge is 3500 people and I visit Heathrow airport 10 times. Now all of a sudden my chances of running into anyone I know at Heathrow, one of the times I have been there, is 35,000 in a million. Now if you say well lets look at all airports I will be in, and all of a sudden my chances quickly get over the million mark. So what does it mean. Well had I ran into unknowingly my freshman year roommate in the Cincinnati airport (actually in Kentucky), the coincidence would have again been spectacularly rare feeling, but the notion of running into anyone I know unexpectedly would not have been.

The reason I preamble with this is that this morning I was coming back from picking up my dry cleaning. The street I live on is tree lined. I saw something that I would wager I would never see again. I saw a squirrel fall from a tree, land on its back, get up run into a moving car, bounce back and then get up and start to reclimb the tree. Today, I hope employees everywhere emulate the squirrel.

6 Pop Tart Flavors soon to be popular in the San Diego Zoo

1. Bugs
2. Chum
3. Hay
4. Reconsolidated Horse Meat
5. Grasshopper
6. Strawberry

An interview with a Sabretooth Tiger (A Lake Exclusive)

RFTL: So what is it like being extinct?
ST: Not bad really. We get a lot more attention than we did when we were actively breeding and roaming the planet, now we get books, papers, plastic toys focused on us. In way we are kind of like when a musician offs himself and then in death his music sounds better, like Cobain or Nick Drake.
RFTL: What do you miss about being an Instinct Species?
ST: First off, and I am kind of an expert, the opposite of Extinct is not Instinct. Instinct is what makes you flee a beehive when you are prowling the land you now call North Carolina. The word you are looking for extant. I miss a long nap on a hot rock. I miss the view of sunrise on the edge of the frozen tundra. I miss the cry of a bald eagle, that I am about to eat sushi style as a snack before I feast on a lame antelope.
RFTL: What advice do you have for humans?
ST: The big teeth thing looks menacing, but in the end it doesn't help that much with evolution, and really hinders kissing. Also stay away from Tar pits, as appealing as they look, they are deadly.
RFTL: What are your thoughts on cats today?
ST: Good Question. The problem with cats today is you run the gamut. Sure you have lions and tigers doing their best to be king of the jungle. The problem is that they are mocked by the homo sapiens. You take Elton John and have him create a show about the scariest cat of them all and in the end kids end up crying because the father dies. Tigers, you make them sell sugar cereal and name a baseball team in a bad city after. I really did the Leopard, all those cool spots and bad-ass vibe is just hip. As far as house cats go, there is something adorable about the way they rub against your leg, and when a kitten drinks milk from a saucer, precious.
RFTL: Anything else you would like to share, I know you have a tee-time?
ST: About 50 years before our species died we started having Sabretooth Idol, a singing contest. I am not trying to imply anything, but be warned.

I just got my performance review. Two highlights (The Lake has been used to protect my identity)

• The Lake creates a positive work environment with his humor and good nature
• The Lake should not pull back from more Senior Level exposure

So despite my hatred of staff meetings, listening to people talk about how they accidentally used cinnamon vs paprika in their deviled eggs and people who when approaching a problem think about solving it as number four or five on their task list, they are going to keep me around for another year.

You know what is an interesting fact? People never remember on Monday what you told them on Friday that you were doing that weekend. I am going to stop telling people, because it's not worth telling them.

"So what are you doing this weekend?"
"I will tell you on Monday."

I have been tapped to be involved with the promotion of Junior employees. Therefore I get to be involved with incredibly political meetings where everyone is qualified, but certain people are more qualified. After only being involved for four hours I feel like everyone else on the committee are the like those girls who say, "Oh that dress is beautiful" only to turn around and say, "Wow I can't believe how much she ballooned up."

I said in the meeting that I thought that people should only be promoted if they were coming in as an outside hire, would we hire them at that level. I was looked at like I had six heads.

I have been tapped to be involved with the promotion of Junior employees. Therefore I get to be involved with incredibly political meetings where everyone is qualified, but certain people are more qualified. After only being involved for four hours I feel like everyone else on the committee are the like those girls who say, "Oh that dress is beautiful" only to turn around and say, "Wow I can't believe how much she ballooned up."

I said in the meeting that I thought that people should only be promoted if they were coming in as an outside hire, would we hire them at that level. I was looked at like I had six heads.

Please watch the show 6 Degrees, it is being set up for this years show that I really get into and then they cancel leaving me hanging. Like they did with Reunion last year.

Slinger, who has a very readable blog over here, baited me to comment on Deal or No Deal. Three things on Deal or No Deal.

1. The show becomes unwatchable very quickly. Last Christmas when they had the first week, I was absorbed. It was amazing the choices people would make. It was great to see people go from doing really well, then through hubris end up with 10 dollars. It was great to see people with no chance in hell of doing anything then turn out to win 200K. Immediately, being a numbers guy, I began to strategize. Then I realized that there is no strategy. Pick a number and hope that you are lucky is the strategy. There are 26 cases. 5 have a lot of money. So pick a case and you have a 19.2% chance of picking a big amount. Then play it through and hope that towards the end you will still have a lot of the big cases.
2. The people they pick to be on the show are the same types of people that when walking down Broadway or in Union Square here in Manhattan that you can tell are tourists. The kind of person that goes to their husband or wife to ask which fanny pack they should bring on vacation. These are the kind of people who get "my kid beat up your honor roll kid" bumper stickers to put on their 1989 Chevy Trailblazer, without irony. Not that there is anything wrong with these people, but there is a disturbing thing about television. On television, real people appear nuts. I don't know if this is a cause or effect. Part of me thinks, that for ratings producers intentionally try and get wackos. But part of me wonders if the shine of the spotlight makes people not act normally, and maybe that is why TV is better left to the professionals. Spend an hour watching Real World, Survivor, The Apprentice or DOND and tell me if any of these people really reminds me of your friends or relatives. I am going to guess not.
3. Howie Mandel is awful.

3 combinations of Ice Cube Trays and Humans that bug me.

1. People who don't fill the tray with enough water, making it nearly impossible to get the cube out.
2. People who put an empty tray back in the freezer
3. Genocidal dictators who hold ice trays.

This is the high school where I took the SATs. It was one town over from my high school. Three things to think about.

• These are kids who in the age of Myspace, parent's basements, Tivo, Ipods, and Texas Holdem, who still want to go to dances, instead of punishing them, they should be rewarded.
• Think about how far behind these kids are going to be when they go away to college and are at their first college party. How are they ever going to find a prospective one night mate when they do not have the grinding skills of their classmates? Is not the role of high school education?
• Grinding is a "sexual" dance. Not to ruin it for the principal but all dances are sexual. Come on: The Twist, The Fox Trot, Limbo, The Mashed Potato and Hokey Pokey.

Yet again, we see the example of someone with a little bit of power stretching it to go on a power trip over something that doesn't get to the heart of the matter anyway. It's like when the manager complains to his employee about being five minutes late, but never even considers changing a process that is completely absurd.

State Equations (The very rare math/geography joke that maybe my father and brother will find funny and nobody else will)

Alabama = Virginia – 50 years
Alaska = 1/Hawaii
Arizona = (New Mexico +Nevada)/2
Arkansas = Mississippi + Bill Clinton
California (Texas+New York+Oregon)/3
Colorado Kansas + Mountains
Connecticut Rhode Island + Boring
Delaware = Maryland/4
Florida = New York – Young People
Georgia = Alabama + 20 years.
Hawaii = (Florida – Hurricanes – Elderly)
Idaho = Montana *2
Illinois = Iowa +Chicago
Indiana = Kentucky/2
Iowa = Kansas*6/7
Kansas = Missouri - Cities
Kentucky = Tennessee
Louisiana (Alabama + Mississippi + Las Vegas + New York City)/4
Maine = (Vermont *2 + Massachusetts)/3
Maryland = (Virginia + Pennsylvania)/2
Massachusetts New York – R’s – successful sports teams
Michigan = Pennsylvania + Great Lakes
Minnesota = (Vermont + Illinois)/2 + 10,000 Lakes
Mississippi =(Alabama +
Missouri = (Illinois+Kentucky)/2
Montana = Wyoming *2
Nebraska = Kansas*1.5
Nevada = (California+Arizona)/2
New Hampshire =Vermont - Cuteness
New Jersey NY/3
New Mexico = (Texas/34 +Arizona)/2
New York = 1/Alabama
North Carolina = (Georgia + Virginia)/2
North Dakota = Iowa/2
Ohio = Illnois/2
Oklahoma = Texas/56
Oregon = (Washington + Vermont)/2
Pennsylvania = New York – New Jersey
Rhode Island = Massachusetts * 1/4
South Carolina = (North Carolina + Alabama)/2
South Dakota = Iowa/34
Tennessee = Kentucky
Texas = (New York – Massachusetts)*Alaska
Utah = Nevada - Fun
Vermont = Colorado + disenfranchised New Yorkers
Virginia = (Alabama + New York)/2
Washington = (California + Idaho)/2 and then pour on with water
West Virginia = Virginia/90 + Alabama
Wisconsin = (Kansas + Minnesota)/2
Wyoming = 0

The latest Pope controversy. The Pope has come out against Stringrays. Evidently Steve Irwin, the Crocodile Hunter, was only a marginal Methodist at best, but an attack on a Christan somewhere is an attack on Christains everywhere. The Stringrays will surely riot and offer death threats to the Pope. The Vatican responded by the cancelling a proposed mass at the Great Barrier Reef and limiting all papal swimming to freshwater.

So I get in before the cutoff by one minute. The producer says, "Just made it buddy." We are handed a manilla envelope (The kind you interoffice, except instead of names crossed off, it has a number.) The producer explains the rules: 10 minutes, 30 questions, afterwards they will immediately grade the tests, remember your number, begin. I rip through the 30 and I am confident that I know 20. I then go back through and am pretty sure of another 5. I then go back through and educated guess on three and completely guess on two. I finish before the one minute warning. My number is "73". They pick up my test. There are probably 130 people in the room. Third number called 73. Only ten people are called. The producer then says that if we want to stick around we can get tested to enter the regular contestant pool as well. I meet with a producer who I tell about the time Harvey Keitel stared me down. I tell about my love of US Weekly. I make Seinfeld references. We'll see.
So then I take the regular test. I am amazed at how easy I found it (I say that humbly not arrogantly). I get through 27 of the questions confidently. Two, I educated guesssed on and one I hadn't a clue (It was about the name of Gwen Stefani's fashion line). I was number 67. Fifth number called number 67. I was told to wait in my seat. We didn't have to be reinterviewed. In 2-3 weeks we will hear via postcard if we are entered into the contestant pool, then we will hear via phone if we actually get to be a contestant. Not bad, Not bad.

The ABC cafeteria looks like every crappy corporate cafeteria.

From my application for Millionaire Pop Culture Edition:

1. What do you like about Pop Culture?
Not to get too philosophical but “Making your way in the world today takes everything you got, Taking a break from all your troubles Sure would help a lot. Sometimes you want to go; Where everybody knows your name, And they're always glad you came; You want to go where you can go People are all the same; You want to go where everybody knows your name.” Like Cheers, pop culture is comforting.
2. Why should you be on this show?
Much like when George Costanza needs to move the Frogger Machine across the busy streets to save his high score, “I have been preparing my whole life for this”, plus I will never have the abs to be on the Real World Road Rules Challenge, so this could be chance to be on television.
3. Is there anything else we should know about you?
If you want and it would help my chances of being a contestant, I can lie and tell you that I was an Andrea Doria survivor.

Today's Million Dollar idea, flavored envelopes.

Today's interactive question: If someone told you that the most delicious thing you could ever eat would be Walrus, would you?

Tomorrow afternoon I have an audition for the Pop Culture edition of Who Wants to Be a Millionaire. If the planets are alligned maybe all those years of watching Saved by the Bell and listening to America's Top 40 will pay off.

They didn't have time for me to make my update at the staff meeting today. In a way I felt like I was released from Jury Duty.

Here is my million dollar idea. Create something, not sure what, maybe a pill, maybe a breathing technique or maybe a white noise machine that will allow you to keep the feeling of overwhelming tiredness you get when you are sitting on the couch at 11:30 at night watching TV, when you actually get into bed.

Without fail, three or four nights a week I am sitting their struggling through the 11PM Seinfeld, only to go to bed and end up thinking about things for half an hour or so.

5 ways the world would be worse without birds
1. A lot of sports teams and schools would need new mascots
2. No Chicken Noodle Soup
3. No more building Birdhouses for Cub Scouts
4. Nobody to go to the park and feed stale bread to
5. Bette Midler's Wind Beneath my Wings would make no sense.

How disgusting is it when you go to the bathroom and sit down on the throne and the seat is still warm from the person before you.... Ewwww. It makes we immediately want to go shower.

To me there is something inherently sad about someone in their mid 40's who is really really excited about their car.

90% of all people do less on the weekend than they do during the week. If you can hire for your team only people who have an active social life and engaging hobbies, your productivity will go up significantly. Think about it, look at the person sitting next to you. If they are going home to get suckered into watching makeover shows or a football game they don't care about, that is only marginally better than being in the office. However if they are going out to dinner with friends or training for a 5 mile swim, or volunteer at a woman's shelter, that is much better than where they are. So those people are going to get their stuff done, so they can move on.

The worst feeling in the world is when you get to work on Monday and you don't even make it to lunch before you start thinking about Friday.

I had one of my favorite kind of meetings today. The kind where the person running it doesn't really know what they are talking about, but wants to show that they have power so they don't let people who do know what they are talking about (such as your faithful blogger) talk. Every time it ended up meaning that a meeting should really have only been a two email exchange is now an hour and half long.

All this leads me to ask you, which would you rather have: someone who doesn't easily grasp concepts but is motivated to be a good employee and politically savvy or someone who isn't very motivated and thinks politics are BS, but can easily grasp concepts and boil down problems to solutions quickly.

If you have read this blog for more than a day, you can probably guess which camp I fall in. The thing is in corporations say they want efficiency what they really mean is they want someone else accountable for their actions.

All Gorillas and Apes are, are humans to lazy to evolve.

Also from the makers of Go-gurt:
Stay-Gurt
Come Back-Gurt
Leaving in a little bit-gurt
Go-udding
Go-ello
Go-ttage cheese
Go-atmeal
Go-oothies
Go-ced Coffee
Do whatever you want-gurt

The next Adam Vinatieri.

You know what needs to end, the "Happy Friday" email. Come up with something clever. Thats like saying "Happy existence?" or "Happy breathing!" You know what I usually email back.

"Don't get too excited your weekend probably will suck and Monday is gonna be a bitch."

Boy, I am Debbie Downer this morning.

You know what I would never make fun of, a Grandmother wearing a T-shirt with her kitten on it playing Bingo, some moments are just precious.

I am sitting here watching Celebrity Duets, the other night they had Dancing with the Stars. Whatever happened to Celebrities Act in Compelling, Funny or Clever Programming that makes me forget that the next day I have to go back to work.

5 ways the world will be better when teachers are replaced with Robots.
1. Teachers will have optical receptors on the back of their heads, meaning no more spitballs.
2. Teachers would be able to answer any question by way of a central database.
3. Teachers would never have to go to the bathroom.
4. Teachers would never get sick, they broke down all they would have to do is be replaced by another robot.
5. Teachers would never have inappropriate sex with students.

2 ways the world would be worse.
1. Robots are never very good at teaching social studies.
2. Robots can't help teach penmanship to left handed people.

There is good news, there is great news, and then there is this.

You know what term always makes me laugh when I hear it, Fallopian Tubes. Don't know why but it just does.

Kind of makes you wonder what we were talking about at lunch today doesn't it.

54 Names for Kittens that start with “R”

1) Roger
2) Reptile
3) Rodent
4) Rwanda
5) Rescue
6) Rig
7) Righteous
8) Retaliate
9) Roscoe
10) Regional
11) Remember
12) Return
13) Regulatory
14) Rambo
15) Resurrection
16) Request
17) Remnant
18) Rejoice
19) Robber
20) Robby
21) Rotate
22) Rope
23) Revolution
24) Ripe
25) Rocket
26) Rickets
27) Rubella
28) Rook
29) Retainer
30) Requiem
31) Renovation
32) Rapier
33) Relaxation
34) Restitution
35) Reno
36) Religious
37) Repopulate
38) Romeo
39) Rome
40) Rom
41) Ro
42) Refuge
43) Refuse
44) Refund
45) Refinance
46) Rascal
47) Renegotiate
48) Rebound
49) Renounce
50) Reality
51) Realistic
52) Robot
53) Rider
54) Revoke

I give you all these to prove that the naming of Kittens has become an Epidemic in this country. We name our kittens whatever we want and don't think about the consequences. If you feel as strongly about this as I do, I ask you to donate to www.namethemkittyortabby.com.

This mornings conversations so far.
One guy spoke about his Milk regiment (his words not mine)
One spoke about their experience voting in the primary Tuesday morning
One spoke about their recipe for coffee cake
One spoke about the line at Starbucks
One spoke about how the dial-tone in Singapore.

None of these conversations were under five minutes.

If I had one wish for this morning it would be to be a Chopper Pilot.
If I had two wishes it would be that my co-workers had came to work with anything interesting. I am thinking of setting up my intern with the divorced secretary from the other side of the floor so at least we can have some Melrose Place type gossip.

Tonight I have a meeting with a Bishop, an actual ordained Bishop. If you are like me you are probably wondering the same thing: "Is he required to walk diagonally?"

Will let you know...

I just had a meeting on my calendar for an hour. It went like this

People I was meeting with: "We need this done"
Me: "I can do that by end of day"

I have set a goal for myself in the time I saved to complete their request and blog here about it. Will let you know if I accomplish...

Why is my efficiency not rewarded?

The astronauts lost another bolt. These guys get spun around in huge contraptions to make sure you don't throw up under pressure. They go through psychological examinations to make sure they won't freak out and either open the door and kill the crew or spend the entire time in space making fart sounds with their armpits. The never get training on how to hold things with gloves on? That is the kind of oversight that happens when you are so worried about the big picture. I see that all the time in business. You train salespeople with incredible skills to close deals with sophisticated buyers, but you never trained them how to accurately enter their order into a computer. You train managers incredible project management skills, but you never teach them that it might be nice to ask their employee how their weekend was. You train interviewers in how to ask very technical questions to see if the person is qualified for a job, but you never train them to see if they would fit in with the culture of the team they are joining.

John Wooden, the legendary UCLA basketball coach, would spend the first few hours of his first practice each year teaching his players how to put on their socks, that way they would never get blisters, they would have the support they needed. Even the talented need to be reminded of the little things.

Why on the Tonight Show, when they show Jay Leno not in studio is he always wearing Jeans and a Denim shirt? Does he have a lot of stock in Wrangler?

In Australia there have been at least 10 retaliation attacks against Stingrays since the Croc Hunter died. Why do I think that number would be lower if the Croc hunter had accidently been killed by an adorable kitten?

This is very interesting.

The Astronauts dropped a bolt in their attempt to add an addition to the Space Station. Unlike here on earth it doesn't just drop to the ground and you pick it up. Also unlike inside a spaceship it doesn't float towards the wall where you can retrieve it. Instead, it floats off into the abyss of space.

Who designed the Space Station? Ikea. The two worst things about putting together Ikea furniture is when you don't have enough parts or you have too many parts. That and it is never as sturdy as what you see in the showroom.

Fictional Business Card #1

Tuesday interactive questions:

Easy: Name One Movie Star:
Medium: Name One Movie Star you find attractive:
Hard: Name One Movie Star you would let babysit your 16 month child for one night:
Extremely Hard: Name 35 elements without looking at the Periodic Table:
Impossible: Sneeze and Urinate at the same time:

5 Years ago today.

I arrived to Manhattan through the Path Station in the World Trade Center at 8:39 in the morning. I made my way out of the building. I was across the street cutting through a park, walking to work when the first plane hit. I turned around to see a fireball shooting out of the towers. I ran...

The days that followed were filled with tears, nightmares, fear, sadness, anger, and confusion. If you still struggle with that day my thoughts are with you, if you don't, lend your thoughts to those of us that still do.

5 Things you already knew.

1. Maria Sharpova is not ugly.
2. Never discount Tom Brady, unless he is in Denver in November.
3. Fall is a great season. It was nice walking out this morning in shorts and a T-shirt and being a bit cold. They don't get that in Florida. But then we don't get tans in December.
4. Which should be more awkward being measured by a tailor who is a man or one who is a very attractive woman?
5. There is a scale for spiciness. It is called the Scoville Scale.

Thought of the Day

There ain't no greater turn-on than knowing at a moment in time in another person's life your presence made the difference between growth and compromise.

Robert Evans - Hollywood producer

10 Reasons I would make a good next Crocodile Hunter (to be submitted on Monday to Animal Planet)

1. No weird accent
2. I can spell Crocodile
3. I am pretty good at geography and can point to Australia on a map
4. I own khaki shorts (I would need to purchase some khaki shirts)
5. I have my own catch phrase for is an animal attacks me and it's an homage to the real CH (Steve Irwan). "Oh Craky"
6. I got a B+ in biology sophomore year of high school
7. I can tell the difference between a Croc and an alligator, only using one book or Wikipedia
8. I own two Lacoste shirts.
9. Great Sign-off idea "See you later alligator, or on another day Stringray"
10. I don't mind traveling to different places

Ten Reasons Why I would Be a Good Astronaut (to be submitted to NASA on Monday)

1. I want to be an Astronaut
2. I know how to spell Astronaut
3. My hair is short and would not get caught in any wires or gauges
4. I am pretty good at Math
5. I speak English
6. I work well with others, most of the time
7. I enjoy Tang
8. I am pretty good with geography (I owned a globe as a child) so I could help the Pilot find Florida for landing purposes
9. I promise I won't spend the entire first day in space doing flips and eating food out of the air.
10. I won the science fair in 8th Grade.

3 things I find very sad

1. An old man eating at a diner alone
2. When you meet a girl who is 26 or 27 who was probably the cutest, nicest girl in her sorority but you can tell that 5 or 6 years in Manhattan has made her bitter and hardened. I love New York, but it really is a tough city.
3. A 3:30 on Friday afternoon conference call.

Every job becomes routine overtime. You do the same thing everyday whether you are a stay at home mom or a Ninja Trainer. There is a range of events that occur at work that there are not many deviations from. Every once in a while there comes an event that is going to make your work exciting. It is going to deviate for the better. When I first worked at a bank, we were in the middle of working until midnight every night to get out a project to the SEC. In the middle of this they needed someone to fly to London to get a member of the board of directors to sign something. The trip was to leave NY at 9 at night out of JFK, land at Heathrow at 6AM, clear customs, go directly to the office, have the guy sign the document, and then get on a noon flight out of London returning to New York around 2 in the afternoon. Company policy was to fly first class. Now that may seem like a lot of no fun, but when you have been working 23 days in a row 9-midnight everyday including Saturday and Sunday, the thought of being able to crash in a first class seat for 6 hours and then 8 hours sounded like a vacation. I was 22 and had a passport and was tapped to do it. An hour before I was to leave for JFK, we found out that the director was flying in on Concorde that night. So instead of relaxing trip to London, I got to ride a Lincoln towncar to JFK and wait for this guy until midnight, then had to return to the office to drop off the document. Anyway what made me think of this story is that there must be some inspectors in England that feel the same way this morning. Look Here

Here is the new one around here. When you do something wrong, instead of admiting it, say, I wasn't thinking that way.

This is probably an oversimplification, but the way things are going today it rings true. In every office there are two types of people.

Smart people: These people grasp concepts. They are able to think on their own. When they don't understand something they look into it and try and come up with a solution or at least a series of questions that will lead to answers.

Dumb people: These people do not grasp concepts. The second they begin to struggle with anything they run to someone who may know the answer and more times than not, don't just want the answer to their struggle, but want the smart person to do it for them.

I realize this distinction is obivous but you would think my co-workers and I were going steady with the amount of handholding I have had to do today.

6 Soaps that clean well, but their scents make them unmarketable.

1. Burnt Hair Dial
2. Ivory Caribou Fart
3. Nursing Home Softsoap
4. Lockerroom after Wrestling Practice Irish Spring
5. Science Fair Project on Mold Zest
6. Bedwetters bedroom Safeguard

Paris Hilton was arrested for driving under the influence. The Lake has an exclusive transcript of the sobriety test:

Officer O'Brien: Ms. Hilton could you please say the alphabet for us
PH: The Alphabet for us
OOB: No actually say the letters for us
PH: The letters for us, this is easy can I go sleep with a Jamacian DJ now
OOB: Ms. Hilton we actually need you to say all 26 letters of the alphabet, you know A-B-C-D
PH: Oh thats hard. Can you give me a clue.
OOB: Okay lets just try one other test. Can you please extend your arm and touch your nose.
Paris begins to take off her clothes.
OOB: What are you doing?
PH: Don't worry I am just skipping ahead to the good part, I played this game with the Rutgers football team in Atlantic City one night.
OOB: I think you are intoxicated and are going to need to take you downtown. I would like to inform you that everything you say will be recorded.
PH: Can you not use night vision cameras it makes my elbows look fat.
OOB: Ms. Hilton please step into the back of the squad car
PH: I skipped lunch and dinner does anyone have an Altoid...

Today at 4:15 a Panda was born at the Washington Zoo. Panda birth jokes are kind of hacky. But does anyone find it interesting that we outsource all of our manufacturing jobs to China, and they outsource their bear mating to us. And we wonder why we have a trade deficit.

Thursday Morning Interactive Question:

If you were to reorder the alphabet what would the first five letters be?

See comments for my idea...

I used to joke that I must have been an ugly kid because I was both an altar boy and a Boy Scout and had a completely healthy childhood. Then I see this.

I know what you are thinking "When will this day end?", but I know what you were thinking before that popped into your head, "What did the Lake think of the Katie Couric debut?"

Well I Tivoed it. I like to watch the first of major switches, it makes me feel like I am important. Here are my five thoughts:

1. Who is doing her make-up, Benjamin Moore or Sherwin Williams?
2. Does anyone really like Morgan Spurlock? He had a great idea with SuperSizeMe, but as a person he is only slightly less annoying than a 5 year old with ADD who just got out of the Hershey Chocolate tour to get on your 6 hour flight to London, whose favorite song is 99 bottles of beer on the wall.
3. Is there anyone who looks as smart as Tom Freidman, I usually don't even listen to him, but he looks so damn credible.
4. She offered that people could suggest sign-offs for her broadcast. I think it would be a nice way to end it, if she said "I am Katie Couric, enjoy the rest of your evening on the couch America."
5. I was reminded why most people get their news from the internet, its just so much more efficient. It took 30 minutes to get through 5 stories. In 5 minutes on the internet I can find a recipe for salmon lasagna, read a story about a nudity in vermont, and read through an email from the uncle of the deposed President of Kenya and send him my bank information to help him regain control.

Either way the Lake wishes KC luck... but you might want to let up on the foundation...

My freshman year of college I had a friend, who was a nice guy, who eventually transferred. One night 6 or so weeks into first semester, I came home for a neighbor's 80th birthday party. The whole weekend I wondered what was going on back on campus. I wondered what movies they were watching. I wondered what parties they were going to. I wondered whose fake ID had worked to buy beer. That Sunday night I got back to school around nine and I remember feeling like I was home, and glad about it. Later that week I asked my buddy how his trip home was, and he said great, he saw all his friends, they went to the hangouts they used to go to. He hooked up with a junior from his high school. He asked me, and I said "The whole time I wondered what people were doing here". He said, "That's how I feel about home when I am here."

What does this all mean? I don't know but I thought of this story when I saw that someone in the office who is on vacation is sending "the office" a postcard each day of their vacation.

6 Things you did not know about Vikings:

1. The Backstreet Boys song I Want it that way is actually a reworking of the old Norse song I've got two horns on my helmet but my heart still longs for Aud
2. Vikings were all right-handed
3. The modern spatula was invented by Erik the Red.
4. Vikings acknowledged the existence of the letter Q but refused to use it.
5. The most famous current celebrity who descended from Vikings, the guy who played Al Borland on Home Improvement who now hosts Family Feud
6. The sails of Viking ships were rolled with rose pedals while in port to gift them a pleasant smell.

Why do people feel so free talking about the appreciation of their home value when if you were to ask them that question it would be incredibly prying? Don't ask, Don't tell. Find something interesting to talk about.

Did anyone else finally see Suri Cruise's pictures? There is a corporate analogy for this. It's when you know there is a reorganization going to happen. For months there are whispers about what it is going to entail. There are rumors of how things are going to look. There are conspiracy theories that all of our jobs are going to Toledo or Dallas. Then, when it finally happens it's all just a dissapointment because the new organization looks any other organization, except with bad hair.

The stingray that killed the Crocodile Hunter, is now claiming that he was in Boulder Colorado in 1996.

Today's Elevator Tip.

If you are alone in an elevator heading towards your floor and find it becoming immediately necessary to fart, quickly push the button of a floor further along on the path you are going (e.g. if you are going up to the 14th floor push 18, if you are are going down to 4 push Lobby as well). What does this do?

Well, if you happen to have a co-worker waiting in the elevator bank to get on, you have now narrowed their chance of getting on to 50/50. Versus if you just let it stop on your floor, your co-worker will have a 100% chance of getting on because at that point the elevator is directionless.

The downside? If your co-worker does get on the elevator they will think you are a smelly person who can't push the right button on the elevator. This however might keep you off of some steering committees and task forces which is not always a bad thing.

Tomorrow's Tip: How to choose which co-worker to eat if you are trapped in an elevator for more than 6 days.

People that are happy this morning

1. People that wanted to study marine biology but were not smart enough to be put on dolphin or seal studies and instead had to study stingrays, who now get interviewed on TV every 5 minutes
2. Katie Couric
3. The Security Guard on our floor who has a new puppy.

To anyone that will listen, I often complain about two things. First is Daylight savings time, but that is for another time. Second is Sunday late afternoon, that feeling of impending dread that tomorrow you are going to have to go back to work. Last night while feeling that all the moreso due to the three day weekend. Last night I came up with the following riff...

Thursday night is the night before the prom. There is so much potential for the weekend. You are going to show up and be the hit. You are going to dance like Travolta. Your rented tux will fit you like it was made for you by the finest Italian tailors. The homecoming queen who you have had a crush on since the third grade will see you and leave her quarterback boyfriend and throw herself at you. There is so much hype and excitement about it that you can't wait for it to happen.

Sunday late afternoon is the morning after the prom. The girl you brought as a "friend" was a dud and at the end of the night, hugged you like your Aunt Elenor does. The band was awful. You lost one of the studs to the tuxedo shirt and right now you are trying to scrub out a punch stain. You rented a tux for 60 bucks, you got a corsage for 15 dollars, you got a limo for 100 bucks and after all of that, your Mom is yelling at you about mowing the lawn, and to make matters worse, tomorrow you have to hand in a 15 page paper on Walt Whitman. There is the dissapointment that there was this opportunity to have a fun, enriching life experience, but it didn't happen and now you have to go back to the grind. God I hate Sunday afternoons.

Labor Day is over, I just wrapped my white pants in Moth balls.

How long are the subscriptions to Pregnancy magazine? If they are 12 months that would seem weird to me?

Can I be catty for one second? Sure it's my blog.

Men, Why is it whenever you see a woman who has more than ten children, you can't even imagine wanting to have one with her?

Women, Why is it whenever you see a man with more than ten children, you can imagine date night with him would be creepier than a night inside a closed down insane asylum on Friday the 13th with a full moon, with your only companion is John Malkovich?

I think everyone has a movie that when someone else says they love it, in your mind you kind of nod your head and say, "I think I understand this person's sensibilities, and they are like my own." Mine is Almost Famous. On so many levels do I love that movie. From the music, to some hearbreaking scenes, to the earnestness of William. I don't watch it a ton, but when I do I always want to go do something creative: like write a novel, sing karaoke or play Pictionary.

So anyway this morning I am walking back from kickboxing happy that the sun is actually out and I was thinking about Cameron Crowe movies (Say Anything, Fast Times at Ridgemont High, Jerry McGuire, Vanilla Sky, Elizabethtown, Singles, Almost Famous). I think I stumbled on a potential idea that right now is only half baked, but I will research into the validity. Evey Cameron Crowe movie is about a potential reasonable future for the comic Strip character Charlie Brown. As of now it makes sense in my mind.

A Labor Day Story (Maybe there will be more of these over the weekend)

1999. My roommate and I had no plans. Our plans consisted of playing Tiger Woods golf on the Playstation until we got bored, then going to the bar half a block away, the bar we went to when we didn't feel like going out and drinking. Two girls, who were starting in the training program at work we were celebrating our one year anniversary in, also didn't have plans and ended up wanting to go to dinner with us. So we are to go to this restaurant in Hoboken for a quick dinner with them, with plans afterwards to again return to our apartment get in a quick 36-72 holes of golf and then consume enough Yuengling to make the whole night not seem so pathetic. So we show up at dinner and one of the girls brings her roommate. We get seated at the table right underneath an AC vent. It should be noted at this time, that this girl's roommate, had potentially what was the greatest natural display of what occurs in female anatomy between the belly button and the clavicle. Not that I would ever rate such things, because that would be sexist and childlike, but if some silly frat boy, that I would not approve of in any way, were to score, it would have been:

Shape: 10
Absolute Size 9.5
Relative Size in proportion to everything else: 10

When you add the perfect storm that was arising her chestal situation combined with a tight blue tank top and the airconditioninig vent, resulted in looking like underneath her shirt, she was smuggling two pushpins. I am talking about if there were parakeets in the restaurant two of them would have had a place to perch. So the rest of the meal my roommate and I could not make eyecontact with each other. The fact that this is potentially the most memorable post-college Labor Day story I have reminds me once again why I hate this holiday. Not only does it mark the end of summer, but it just stands as another weekend to sit around before Football starts.

I liked that last one so much I am going to do it again. Second Hardest $25,000 Pyramid category.

Things A Person on a Bus Trip from Salem, Oregon to Orlando, Florida Might Say
1. "Boy my butt sure is tired after sitting here for 3131.70 miles"
2. "Once I get off this large vehicle run by a dog-named company the weather will be much different then it was in the Northwest when I get to see Mickey."
3. "This is definitely a long way to travel that isn't a train to go from the captial of the state in between California and Washington to a large tourist destination in the southeast."
4. "The thing about not taking a car is that you get to sit next to complete strangers drooling on you who can't afford to fly while you criss cross the entire US from Northwest to Southeast."
5. "This was the worst idea of my entire life"
6. "Its great that after I leave my home state I go through Idaho, Utah, Montana, Nebraska, Iowa, Missouri, Illinois, Kentucky, Tennessee, Alabama and Georgia before getting to my destination state all in air contioning and a driver who sits three feet below us."

The most impossible category ever for the $25,000 Pyramid, and my clues:

Things that do not make good bookmarks

1. Sheep
2. Arkansas
3. The soundtrack to Annie
4. Hope
5. Elephant Poop
6. Yesterday
7. A schoolgirl's crush
8. Mary-Lou Retton
9. Whimsy
10. Toenail clippings.

If I ever have kids, I want their due date to be Labor day. I think that would be so friggin cool.