An interview with a Sabretooth Tiger (A Lake Exclusive)

RFTL: So what is it like being extinct?
ST: Not bad really. We get a lot more attention than we did when we were actively breeding and roaming the planet, now we get books, papers, plastic toys focused on us. In way we are kind of like when a musician offs himself and then in death his music sounds better, like Cobain or Nick Drake.
RFTL: What do you miss about being an Instinct Species?
ST: First off, and I am kind of an expert, the opposite of Extinct is not Instinct. Instinct is what makes you flee a beehive when you are prowling the land you now call North Carolina. The word you are looking for extant. I miss a long nap on a hot rock. I miss the view of sunrise on the edge of the frozen tundra. I miss the cry of a bald eagle, that I am about to eat sushi style as a snack before I feast on a lame antelope.
RFTL: What advice do you have for humans?
ST: The big teeth thing looks menacing, but in the end it doesn't help that much with evolution, and really hinders kissing. Also stay away from Tar pits, as appealing as they look, they are deadly.
RFTL: What are your thoughts on cats today?
ST: Good Question. The problem with cats today is you run the gamut. Sure you have lions and tigers doing their best to be king of the jungle. The problem is that they are mocked by the homo sapiens. You take Elton John and have him create a show about the scariest cat of them all and in the end kids end up crying because the father dies. Tigers, you make them sell sugar cereal and name a baseball team in a bad city after. I really did the Leopard, all those cool spots and bad-ass vibe is just hip. As far as house cats go, there is something adorable about the way they rub against your leg, and when a kitten drinks milk from a saucer, precious.
RFTL: Anything else you would like to share, I know you have a tee-time?
ST: About 50 years before our species died we started having Sabretooth Idol, a singing contest. I am not trying to imply anything, but be warned.