Ten Reasons Why I would Be a Good Astronaut (to be submitted to NASA on Monday)

1. I want to be an Astronaut
2. I know how to spell Astronaut
3. My hair is short and would not get caught in any wires or gauges
4. I am pretty good at Math
5. I speak English
6. I work well with others, most of the time
7. I enjoy Tang
8. I am pretty good with geography (I owned a globe as a child) so I could help the Pilot find Florida for landing purposes
9. I promise I won't spend the entire first day in space doing flips and eating food out of the air.
10. I won the science fair in 8th Grade.

3 things I find very sad

1. An old man eating at a diner alone
2. When you meet a girl who is 26 or 27 who was probably the cutest, nicest girl in her sorority but you can tell that 5 or 6 years in Manhattan has made her bitter and hardened. I love New York, but it really is a tough city.
3. A 3:30 on Friday afternoon conference call.

Every job becomes routine overtime. You do the same thing everyday whether you are a stay at home mom or a Ninja Trainer. There is a range of events that occur at work that there are not many deviations from. Every once in a while there comes an event that is going to make your work exciting. It is going to deviate for the better. When I first worked at a bank, we were in the middle of working until midnight every night to get out a project to the SEC. In the middle of this they needed someone to fly to London to get a member of the board of directors to sign something. The trip was to leave NY at 9 at night out of JFK, land at Heathrow at 6AM, clear customs, go directly to the office, have the guy sign the document, and then get on a noon flight out of London returning to New York around 2 in the afternoon. Company policy was to fly first class. Now that may seem like a lot of no fun, but when you have been working 23 days in a row 9-midnight everyday including Saturday and Sunday, the thought of being able to crash in a first class seat for 6 hours and then 8 hours sounded like a vacation. I was 22 and had a passport and was tapped to do it. An hour before I was to leave for JFK, we found out that the director was flying in on Concorde that night. So instead of relaxing trip to London, I got to ride a Lincoln towncar to JFK and wait for this guy until midnight, then had to return to the office to drop off the document. Anyway what made me think of this story is that there must be some inspectors in England that feel the same way this morning. Look Here

Here is the new one around here. When you do something wrong, instead of admiting it, say, I wasn't thinking that way.

This is probably an oversimplification, but the way things are going today it rings true. In every office there are two types of people.

Smart people: These people grasp concepts. They are able to think on their own. When they don't understand something they look into it and try and come up with a solution or at least a series of questions that will lead to answers.

Dumb people: These people do not grasp concepts. The second they begin to struggle with anything they run to someone who may know the answer and more times than not, don't just want the answer to their struggle, but want the smart person to do it for them.

I realize this distinction is obivous but you would think my co-workers and I were going steady with the amount of handholding I have had to do today.

6 Soaps that clean well, but their scents make them unmarketable.

1. Burnt Hair Dial
2. Ivory Caribou Fart
3. Nursing Home Softsoap
4. Lockerroom after Wrestling Practice Irish Spring
5. Science Fair Project on Mold Zest
6. Bedwetters bedroom Safeguard

Paris Hilton was arrested for driving under the influence. The Lake has an exclusive transcript of the sobriety test:

Officer O'Brien: Ms. Hilton could you please say the alphabet for us
PH: The Alphabet for us
OOB: No actually say the letters for us
PH: The letters for us, this is easy can I go sleep with a Jamacian DJ now
OOB: Ms. Hilton we actually need you to say all 26 letters of the alphabet, you know A-B-C-D
PH: Oh thats hard. Can you give me a clue.
OOB: Okay lets just try one other test. Can you please extend your arm and touch your nose.
Paris begins to take off her clothes.
OOB: What are you doing?
PH: Don't worry I am just skipping ahead to the good part, I played this game with the Rutgers football team in Atlantic City one night.
OOB: I think you are intoxicated and are going to need to take you downtown. I would like to inform you that everything you say will be recorded.
PH: Can you not use night vision cameras it makes my elbows look fat.
OOB: Ms. Hilton please step into the back of the squad car
PH: I skipped lunch and dinner does anyone have an Altoid...

Today at 4:15 a Panda was born at the Washington Zoo. Panda birth jokes are kind of hacky. But does anyone find it interesting that we outsource all of our manufacturing jobs to China, and they outsource their bear mating to us. And we wonder why we have a trade deficit.

Thursday Morning Interactive Question:

If you were to reorder the alphabet what would the first five letters be?

See comments for my idea...

I used to joke that I must have been an ugly kid because I was both an altar boy and a Boy Scout and had a completely healthy childhood. Then I see this.

I know what you are thinking "When will this day end?", but I know what you were thinking before that popped into your head, "What did the Lake think of the Katie Couric debut?"

Well I Tivoed it. I like to watch the first of major switches, it makes me feel like I am important. Here are my five thoughts:

1. Who is doing her make-up, Benjamin Moore or Sherwin Williams?
2. Does anyone really like Morgan Spurlock? He had a great idea with SuperSizeMe, but as a person he is only slightly less annoying than a 5 year old with ADD who just got out of the Hershey Chocolate tour to get on your 6 hour flight to London, whose favorite song is 99 bottles of beer on the wall.
3. Is there anyone who looks as smart as Tom Freidman, I usually don't even listen to him, but he looks so damn credible.
4. She offered that people could suggest sign-offs for her broadcast. I think it would be a nice way to end it, if she said "I am Katie Couric, enjoy the rest of your evening on the couch America."
5. I was reminded why most people get their news from the internet, its just so much more efficient. It took 30 minutes to get through 5 stories. In 5 minutes on the internet I can find a recipe for salmon lasagna, read a story about a nudity in vermont, and read through an email from the uncle of the deposed President of Kenya and send him my bank information to help him regain control.

Either way the Lake wishes KC luck... but you might want to let up on the foundation...

My freshman year of college I had a friend, who was a nice guy, who eventually transferred. One night 6 or so weeks into first semester, I came home for a neighbor's 80th birthday party. The whole weekend I wondered what was going on back on campus. I wondered what movies they were watching. I wondered what parties they were going to. I wondered whose fake ID had worked to buy beer. That Sunday night I got back to school around nine and I remember feeling like I was home, and glad about it. Later that week I asked my buddy how his trip home was, and he said great, he saw all his friends, they went to the hangouts they used to go to. He hooked up with a junior from his high school. He asked me, and I said "The whole time I wondered what people were doing here". He said, "That's how I feel about home when I am here."

What does this all mean? I don't know but I thought of this story when I saw that someone in the office who is on vacation is sending "the office" a postcard each day of their vacation.

6 Things you did not know about Vikings:

1. The Backstreet Boys song I Want it that way is actually a reworking of the old Norse song I've got two horns on my helmet but my heart still longs for Aud
2. Vikings were all right-handed
3. The modern spatula was invented by Erik the Red.
4. Vikings acknowledged the existence of the letter Q but refused to use it.
5. The most famous current celebrity who descended from Vikings, the guy who played Al Borland on Home Improvement who now hosts Family Feud
6. The sails of Viking ships were rolled with rose pedals while in port to gift them a pleasant smell.

Why do people feel so free talking about the appreciation of their home value when if you were to ask them that question it would be incredibly prying? Don't ask, Don't tell. Find something interesting to talk about.

Did anyone else finally see Suri Cruise's pictures? There is a corporate analogy for this. It's when you know there is a reorganization going to happen. For months there are whispers about what it is going to entail. There are rumors of how things are going to look. There are conspiracy theories that all of our jobs are going to Toledo or Dallas. Then, when it finally happens it's all just a dissapointment because the new organization looks any other organization, except with bad hair.

The stingray that killed the Crocodile Hunter, is now claiming that he was in Boulder Colorado in 1996.

Today's Elevator Tip.

If you are alone in an elevator heading towards your floor and find it becoming immediately necessary to fart, quickly push the button of a floor further along on the path you are going (e.g. if you are going up to the 14th floor push 18, if you are are going down to 4 push Lobby as well). What does this do?

Well, if you happen to have a co-worker waiting in the elevator bank to get on, you have now narrowed their chance of getting on to 50/50. Versus if you just let it stop on your floor, your co-worker will have a 100% chance of getting on because at that point the elevator is directionless.

The downside? If your co-worker does get on the elevator they will think you are a smelly person who can't push the right button on the elevator. This however might keep you off of some steering committees and task forces which is not always a bad thing.

Tomorrow's Tip: How to choose which co-worker to eat if you are trapped in an elevator for more than 6 days.

People that are happy this morning

1. People that wanted to study marine biology but were not smart enough to be put on dolphin or seal studies and instead had to study stingrays, who now get interviewed on TV every 5 minutes
2. Katie Couric
3. The Security Guard on our floor who has a new puppy.

To anyone that will listen, I often complain about two things. First is Daylight savings time, but that is for another time. Second is Sunday late afternoon, that feeling of impending dread that tomorrow you are going to have to go back to work. Last night while feeling that all the moreso due to the three day weekend. Last night I came up with the following riff...

Thursday night is the night before the prom. There is so much potential for the weekend. You are going to show up and be the hit. You are going to dance like Travolta. Your rented tux will fit you like it was made for you by the finest Italian tailors. The homecoming queen who you have had a crush on since the third grade will see you and leave her quarterback boyfriend and throw herself at you. There is so much hype and excitement about it that you can't wait for it to happen.

Sunday late afternoon is the morning after the prom. The girl you brought as a "friend" was a dud and at the end of the night, hugged you like your Aunt Elenor does. The band was awful. You lost one of the studs to the tuxedo shirt and right now you are trying to scrub out a punch stain. You rented a tux for 60 bucks, you got a corsage for 15 dollars, you got a limo for 100 bucks and after all of that, your Mom is yelling at you about mowing the lawn, and to make matters worse, tomorrow you have to hand in a 15 page paper on Walt Whitman. There is the dissapointment that there was this opportunity to have a fun, enriching life experience, but it didn't happen and now you have to go back to the grind. God I hate Sunday afternoons.

Labor Day is over, I just wrapped my white pants in Moth balls.

How long are the subscriptions to Pregnancy magazine? If they are 12 months that would seem weird to me?

Can I be catty for one second? Sure it's my blog.

Men, Why is it whenever you see a woman who has more than ten children, you can't even imagine wanting to have one with her?

Women, Why is it whenever you see a man with more than ten children, you can imagine date night with him would be creepier than a night inside a closed down insane asylum on Friday the 13th with a full moon, with your only companion is John Malkovich?

I think everyone has a movie that when someone else says they love it, in your mind you kind of nod your head and say, "I think I understand this person's sensibilities, and they are like my own." Mine is Almost Famous. On so many levels do I love that movie. From the music, to some hearbreaking scenes, to the earnestness of William. I don't watch it a ton, but when I do I always want to go do something creative: like write a novel, sing karaoke or play Pictionary.

So anyway this morning I am walking back from kickboxing happy that the sun is actually out and I was thinking about Cameron Crowe movies (Say Anything, Fast Times at Ridgemont High, Jerry McGuire, Vanilla Sky, Elizabethtown, Singles, Almost Famous). I think I stumbled on a potential idea that right now is only half baked, but I will research into the validity. Evey Cameron Crowe movie is about a potential reasonable future for the comic Strip character Charlie Brown. As of now it makes sense in my mind.

A Labor Day Story (Maybe there will be more of these over the weekend)

1999. My roommate and I had no plans. Our plans consisted of playing Tiger Woods golf on the Playstation until we got bored, then going to the bar half a block away, the bar we went to when we didn't feel like going out and drinking. Two girls, who were starting in the training program at work we were celebrating our one year anniversary in, also didn't have plans and ended up wanting to go to dinner with us. So we are to go to this restaurant in Hoboken for a quick dinner with them, with plans afterwards to again return to our apartment get in a quick 36-72 holes of golf and then consume enough Yuengling to make the whole night not seem so pathetic. So we show up at dinner and one of the girls brings her roommate. We get seated at the table right underneath an AC vent. It should be noted at this time, that this girl's roommate, had potentially what was the greatest natural display of what occurs in female anatomy between the belly button and the clavicle. Not that I would ever rate such things, because that would be sexist and childlike, but if some silly frat boy, that I would not approve of in any way, were to score, it would have been:

Shape: 10
Absolute Size 9.5
Relative Size in proportion to everything else: 10

When you add the perfect storm that was arising her chestal situation combined with a tight blue tank top and the airconditioninig vent, resulted in looking like underneath her shirt, she was smuggling two pushpins. I am talking about if there were parakeets in the restaurant two of them would have had a place to perch. So the rest of the meal my roommate and I could not make eyecontact with each other. The fact that this is potentially the most memorable post-college Labor Day story I have reminds me once again why I hate this holiday. Not only does it mark the end of summer, but it just stands as another weekend to sit around before Football starts.

I liked that last one so much I am going to do it again. Second Hardest $25,000 Pyramid category.

Things A Person on a Bus Trip from Salem, Oregon to Orlando, Florida Might Say
1. "Boy my butt sure is tired after sitting here for 3131.70 miles"
2. "Once I get off this large vehicle run by a dog-named company the weather will be much different then it was in the Northwest when I get to see Mickey."
3. "This is definitely a long way to travel that isn't a train to go from the captial of the state in between California and Washington to a large tourist destination in the southeast."
4. "The thing about not taking a car is that you get to sit next to complete strangers drooling on you who can't afford to fly while you criss cross the entire US from Northwest to Southeast."
5. "This was the worst idea of my entire life"
6. "Its great that after I leave my home state I go through Idaho, Utah, Montana, Nebraska, Iowa, Missouri, Illinois, Kentucky, Tennessee, Alabama and Georgia before getting to my destination state all in air contioning and a driver who sits three feet below us."

The most impossible category ever for the $25,000 Pyramid, and my clues:

Things that do not make good bookmarks

1. Sheep
2. Arkansas
3. The soundtrack to Annie
4. Hope
5. Elephant Poop
6. Yesterday
7. A schoolgirl's crush
8. Mary-Lou Retton
9. Whimsy
10. Toenail clippings.

If I ever have kids, I want their due date to be Labor day. I think that would be so friggin cool.

Trigger my favorite reader who is named after a horse ridden by Roy Rogers writes:

This has nothing to do with current post, but here's something my coworkers don't want to hear: Why is it that when I enter the restroom and go into stall #3 (of 6) the next person comes in and enters either stall #2 or #4? There are other options. And yes, I washed my hands.

I am not a game theory expert but I think trigger has a flaw in his own stall strategy. He says he picks number 3 or letter C. Here is the proper stall selection order:

A) A is far from the door. Plus it only has one potential stall with which a creepy staller can sit in next to it. So if A is empty and B is empty he should pick A.
F) If A or B are occupied but F and E are empty then he should pick F. Again only one potential neighbor, but closer to the door.
From there if you cannot grab either of those you should pick the one that has two openings next to you. So potentially C or D, if people are picking correctly. If the only choice is for you to be a D in between a C and an E, the only thing you can do is go in, but to save face, make a joke about how with the way cafeteria is cooking lately we may pretty soon need to bump up to 12 stalls. This should alleive your colleagues nerves that you are killing the safety stall.

Supplemental comments.
1. This assumes no handicapped stall. I am a huge handicapped stall fan, in fact I remember a specific one in college that would be a two bedroom apartment in Manhattan.
2. Why do people sit next to you? Not sure but a quick way to get them to stop, is as you are taking care of business in the stall, drop a few subscription reply cards for Hustler so they slide to the offending person. The other thing you can do is when you flush yell, "Take that Australia".

Hope it helps Trigger!

Very Busy day. There will be some reflections tonight.

One thought for my fellow office people. Do you ever get nervous that the mute button really doesn't work on the phone your are using for a conference call? I did today when someone in a meeting said, "Sounds like someone started their weekend a little early" referring to someone senior who was rambling on and on life he had a couple of martinis for breakfast.

I found this list of jobs that I listed as my interests from Freshman year of High School
1. Forestry Expert
2. Math Professor
3. Comedian
4. SWAT team sharpshooter
5. Radio DJ

I don't want to say that I found this list depressing but tonight after work I am buying a gun going out to the woods and working on pronouncing math jokes.

I am not in anyway involved with the automotive industry. I read in the papers that the big car companies are in trouble. Here is my idea. Stop with the Cashback. In no other industry do you pay a certain price and then the person say thanks for buying our product here is some money back to you. If you want to make more money stop giving it away to people who have already bought a car.

Do vegetarians who are opposed to veal, eat baby carrots and baby corn?

When you watch the weather how much attention do you pay to the barometric pressure?

1) 0%
2) The what?

Sometimes I wish I had studied meteorology in college. Unfortunately I never could have made the majors I am left handed. It would have given me an edge in the pointing arena, but I would have had to handle the remote with my less dexterous right hand to move amongst the screens.

I think people should be able to love whoever they want, but something always makes me a bit sad when I see a beautiful woman and a guy who is covered in tattoos and piercings together. It's like paying extra money to get organic, small farm raised milk, but then getting the store brand vanilla filled chocolate cookies and not Oreos to be dipped in.

Do you ever miss the Far Side? or Calvin and Hobbes?

The Tuesday Interactive Question:

Today is name your favorite type of apple. Last night I was the recipient of a Fuji apple. Fuji apples are always to bland and meaty for me. I really like, in this order, my apples:

1. Empire
2. Gala
3. Golden Delicious
4. Granny Smith
5. McIntosh

When I worked at the day care center, one October for five days in a row I took the kids to an orchard (we only had two vans so some kids stayed at the center, others went to the orchard, I was one of two employees to get orchard duty). I learned so much about apples and kind of got a crush on an apple grower's daughter. I remember pulling the classic "on a tour and have a crush" move of asking a lot of nerdy questions of her about apples. Alas, I was not the apple of her eye. I think in hindsight she may have thought I had an Apple fetish.

One thing about living in an Urban Area without a car is that I don't go to Supermarkets often. I usually do my food shopping at any of a series of small mom and pop markets. There is one that has good fruits and vegatables, another that has good meats, another that is cheaper on the staples, etc, etc. In fact the majority of time when I am in a supermarket I am away from home. This has lead to me cultivating a talent to a level that few Americans have acheived. That talent is the ability to talk a checkout clerk in a strange supermarket into running through the Bonus or Club card so that I can get the discount. Now I know what you are thinking, they will do that for everyone. Not so. I can think of a few chains where initally they say they can't. Then I pull out depending on the age and gender of the clerk one of the following chestnuts:

Young female Clerk: "Listen I am actually visiting from New York City for a college reunion any chance we can get some leeway"

Female clerk that clearly has more than one kid, "Sorry I am visiting my Mother and she has the card, but I just ran out to grab a few things for her" (Doesn't work when your basket is 4 cases of beer, four bags of chips and a Nerf Football)

Male Clerk: "Yeah when my girlfriend dumped me she took the card"

My biggest advice though is win before it ever becomes an issue, pick the aisle as far away from the floor manager with the youngest clerk with a smile on her face. One quick smile and all of a sudder instead of a 12 pack of hot dog buns being $1.19 you are getting them for 87 cents.

I had a meeting this morning where there were three project management people, a consultant, and me and my boss. It was a pleasant meeting of the highest order. It started off with a three page flowchart that probably took two days to create, and my boss and I poked holes in it within the first five minutes. Then it followed with enough buzzwords and acronyms that the conversation barely sounded English. Then, in the hours since, there have been about 15 emails where everyone is trying to summarize what was discussed and getting it not just wrong, but not even close. I hate lightbulb jokes. But I really think this is true (and I think it is original, but I may have swiped it from somewhere):

How many consultants does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Answer: How Big is your Budget?

From this week's issue of the Philosophical Seamstress Weekly:

Points to Ponder:

1. Would you rather knit a turtleneck sweater for a giraffe or horn cover for 6 rhinos?
2. If you make a mistake on a king sized afghan, but it turns out to be the perfect full size afgan: is the final product defective?
3. If you rename a lockstitch a chain stitch and a chain stitch a lock stitch and how much longer would it take for you to make a summer dress for your niece's 14th Birthday?
4. You own a scarf, over the years it begins unraveling at the one end. So you continuously add on to the other end to keep the scarf the same length. Eventually, however, you get to the point where you have unraveled all of the original scarf and are starting to unravel your repairs. At this point is that scarf considered the original scarf or is it a second scarf you have created?
5. A new company has developed a fabric that never wears, that can adjust to fit any style, and is more comfortable than the highest thread count sheets on a soft bed after a long hike. People love the fabric so much that they refuse to wear anything else. What do you knit now?

What do you do, if you buy a parrot, you name it Polly and a year or so of ownership, you take it to the Vet and find out that the bird has an allergy to any baked flour or wheat products?

Number one thing you can do to make yourselves sexier, ladies:

Get rid of the Fanny Pack

My boss called me tonight. I immediately thought, ut-oh its document shredding time. She actually lives 5 blocks away and wanted to know if I had a drill. I love when you let your imagination get ahead of yourself.

You never meet anyone who lists as their favorite candy, Lifesavers. I bet it doesn't even crack many top 5 lists.

I have a acheived a certain level of status. I have just been added to the weekly staff meeting of my boss's boss. Two staff meetings a week!!! I must be dreaming, because I am afraid I am going to wake up and it will all be gone.

8 Popular Songs that you don't want to get stuck in your head because they are tough to get out:

1. Barbie Girl - Aqua
2. Building a Mystery - Sarah Mclaughlin
3. Cecilia - Simon Garfunkel
4. Raspberry Beret - Prince
5. Stand - REM
6. Jump - The Pointer Sisters
7. Red Red Wine - UB40
8. Beautiful - James Blunt

Guess which one has been in my head the last two days?

Usually if you listen and sing to yourself the lyrics of American Pie, you can get most songs out of your head

I think when a typical guy sees a headline like this "Deputies: Woman Hosted Alcohol, Sex Parties for Teens", they have the same reaction:

1. They look for a picture to see if she is hot
2. They are dissapointed because they never are.
3. They are disgusted by the moral decline of American Society.
4. They move on to the Sports pages.

I might be off base but I am not sure if number 3 happens every time.

Let me come out, and this may be controversial, that I am fine with Pluto not being defined as a planet. In fact, while we are at it let's get rid of Uranus as well, if for no other reason than the santity of grade school science teachers everywhere.

Three things I can't stand:

Amateur Magicians: (Nobody is impressed)
Monkeys
Long Pauses in conversations when either there doesn't need to be one or there is no dramatic effect by having one.

Have you seen in the news that in England they are banning Tom and Jerry cartoons where the characters are seen smoking? The thought is that children will see this and take up smoking. That's fine but I think there are is at least one bigger fish to fry.

Transformers teaches kids that as long as a Robots from another planet can change from an 18 Wheeler or a Ford Festiva into a robot we should trust them. To me the jury is still out on this one, and until we have a definative answer we shouldn't brainwash the youth of England with this pro-robot propaganda.

Time again for a story from my youth.

1993 I am the Junior class Vice-President. I am working the refreshments table at the school dance with Mr. Kelly. Mr. Kelly was the prototypical high school chemistry teacher, unfortunately I had him for Biology. He was also our class advisor and over the four years we became, if nothing else, male compatriots in the otherwise female dense student council system. So we are at this dance, and at this point dances in generalwere waning in popularity. So we probably had 150 students, whereas three years previous the average was closer to 500. Anyhow it is getting later in the dance and we are standing there selling candy, hot dogs, popcorn and knockoff grocery store soda. Any how this girl, who if I remember correctly was one of those loud, cute not pretty, freshman girls, the kind that plays field hockey not soccer, came up to us and asked us for change of a quarter. I went to the cashbox and all we had were quarters. She then asked if either of us had a dime she could borrow. We didn't. Mr. Kelly being helpful offered that the payphone is 25 cents. She says she just needs a dime. So then a guy behind her in line says, that he has 2 dimes and nickle. She walks off, we serve the guy a Twix. Mr. Kelly and I then stand there and like the anti-Sherlock Holmes and Watson trying to figure out what was the urgent need for the dime. It was then that she came back and asked for the key to the ladies room, during dances the school locked the rest rooms to insure that no one smoked or made out or defaced school property in there. It was at that moment that the dime-bathroom connection Eurekaed through our skulls. From that point on whenever I saw Mr. Kelly I asked him if he had a dime. I think he even mentioned it when he signed my yearbook.

Ladies, I realize this has been long awaited, but here is my 8 point question list you should confirm before ever dating a guy. These are the big 8, showstoppers, that immediately inform you that you are on a oneway trip to Dudsville.

1. Does he ever use a metal detector at the beach?
2. In naming his genitalia, is there any references to Muppets that are not Gonzo?
3. Has he drank Red Bull in order to stay awake for a Dungeons and Dragon's Adventure?
4. When you ask his favorite movie, does he say Monster?
5. Does he refer to his jeans as dungarees?
6. Does his wallet have velcro?
7. Does he own more than three kitties?
8. Does he own a pet monkey?

Tonight's Non Coincidence:

The name of the guy who claims to have killed Jon Benet. His last last name is Karr. KARR was the enemy on Knight Rider.

I made a presentation today to my boss's boss's boss's boss today. He said "It was excellent work". The thrill of Victory

Our Staff Meeting was moved to 3:30 today. The agony of defeat.

The Tuesday Morning Interactive Question: (Post thoughts in the comments section)

Tell me one song that you think I should download.

Here is my treat to you

To Be the One by Ryan Adams off of the Heartbreaker Album. One of the saddest songs I have ever heard.

You are in a horrific airplane accident (ala Castaway). You are alone. And let's say that you know that in five years you are guaranteed to be rescued if you can survive, but you will not be rescued before. You are sitting there and you have 5 different items with which you are could give a face and make your "friend" to confide in, and hopefully aid your sanity. You can only choose one. Which do you choose and why?
1. A Frisbee with the corporate logo of Grimace from Mcdonalds
2. A beany baby snake
3. A T-shirt from a Bruce Springsteen concert with a profile of Bruce on it.
4. A Pillow that has a picture of the grandma cartoon character from Hallmark cards and the phrase "Not over the hill, still climbing" embroidered
5. A trophy of a girl playing softball.

Despite my New Jersey roots, I can imagine talking to Bruce about why he hates his dad and how he is pissed the factory is moving south would get old by year two. I would choose number 5. My three reasons:
1. A girl is that natural choice to be someone you would explain things to. Grimace's smile would eventually become mocking.
2. A trophy is durable. The beany baby snake will eventually become torn and worn.
3. The character your mind can create of a girl can be one of adventure, or curiosity. Imagine if you were stuck on an island and your confidant was a Bingo playing grandma, who complains when her decaf tea is both too hot and too cold at the same time.

Grimace is a great choice too due to endorsement opportunities.

Today's lunch conversation: Surfing. Guys spoke on and on about their knowledge of it. (And as a reminder we are on the 19th floor of a building in Lower Manhattan while we do this, where half the audience lives in apartments the size of most 2 person tables at Applebees and the other half live in suburbs where their sole worry is how green their grass is compared to the Howes next door). Finally about four minutes into someone talking about how fast you need to paddle of get over a wave and into the curl on the North Shore of Oahu, I realized that this is exact same conversation I had when I was 13 at lunch, except instead of girls we were discussing surfing? So I asked a variation of the same question I asked in eighth grade, I asked for a show of hands around the table how many guys had ever even touched a surfboard? One guy raised his hand, and the conversation topic switched.

Today's easy questionless quiz answers:

1. Star Jones.
2. A Million dollars.

Today's medium questionless quiz answers:
1. Turkey on Rye from Toga cafe
2. Tuna on a Spinach wrap from Toasties.

Today's hard questionless quiz answers:
1. Walking around with a spot on your shirt all day and having to explain what happened
2. Listening to a three hour Powerpoint presentation on the 2007 Budget

My list of people that really really need to go on Match.com.

1. Anyone who comes into work on Monday talking about seeing three movies with friends over the weekend.
2. Anyone who knits her sister two baby hats for a sister who is 4 months pregnant (one blue one pink) in the same August weekend
3. Anyone who has spent more than 15 hours in one weekend looking at fantasy football statistics for a league that costs 50 dollars to enter.
4. Anyone who when asked about their cats says "which one of the nine?"
5. Anyone in my office named Gloria.

Luckily only four of these were true this morning....

So this is one of those universal things I think we can all agree on... The only people who really enjoy community theatre productions in the park are the actors and the actors families.

Someone said this me today and it got me thinking:

When you think back to when you were 18 and you think "oh I wish I did this or
oh I wish I did that". Take whatever age you are now add 15 years and
think about what you think you wish you would have done when you are the age you
are now, and promise that you will do that in the next 6 months.

Its interesting because one of the things when I think about when I was 18 that I wish I would have done was punch in the face people that give me s0-called advice that makes my mind feel like its looking into a mirror that is pointed at a mirror (like at the Barber Shop). I am older now and don't allow myself to be violent, often. But in the next 6 months someone in my office is going to come into work one day to find all of his staples gone, all his paperclips linked and his space bar missing. On that note I am going to a 4:45 on Friday afternoon meeting. AWESOME!

Once a month we have "Pizza Lunch". It is the third Friday of the month and it gives us all a reason to get together in a conference room and pretend like we are interested in boring stories from each others lives. The sad thing is that people look forward to this as much as the Zoo field trip in 2nd Grade. This morning ,the people around me spoke more about Pizza than the Board of Directors of Dominos does at their annual corporate meeting.

The slowest part of the week is Friday afternoon. Just like fast part of the week is Sunday afternoon.

Someone wrote me today talking about Buffalo New York, and their love of it. I once said to a friend there are only two good things to come out of Buffalo: Wings and Tim Russert. Then I actually visited Buffalo three days before Christmas. I went to see the Bills play the Dolphins. It was cold, very cold, but it wasn't mind numbing cold. Plus after the game we were able to have some wings and a few beers and next thing you know you I kind of took a liking to the city. That weekend my buddy, who I will call Nagin, and I decided that if we ever won the lottery and pursued our dream of being an afternoon drive time radio team we would start our career in Buffalo.

Here is a travel tip for the next time you go to Buffalo: Order the wings as wings. They don't call them Buffalo wings there, they are in Buffalo.

One last addendum. In my family growing up you were always given a beverage with your meal. You had a glass of milk, juice or water. My father won some sales or performance trip to the Virgin Islands when I was in the fifth grade. So I was put up with my friend Larry's family. Larry's family was from Buffalo and one night his mother made authentic wings for dinner that were like pepper spray. Larry's family did not have a beverage with their meal, they had it after. So here I was three wings into the meal and my lips and tongue were dying. Eventually I pretended to need to use the rest room, and went into the bathroom and cupped my hands like I was drinking from a stream to cool off.

One last comment and then I am off for some sweet dreams of blackberry bushes and plaid wallpaper. Here is the exciting news, if numbers track as they have been, tomorrow we will get to 1000 unique visits to the Lake. So keep coming folks, invite your friends... because if you look at the Lake long enough eventually you see a bit of yourself.

I was going through some old emails in the last five minutes I found this gem. I once wrote a second verse to "Such a Good Feeling" from Mr. Rogers. Unfortunately it never went anywhere...

It’s Such a good feeling to have another verse

It’s such a happy feeling to know its not the first

And when you wake up ready to sing

How bout we sing verse two again

It's such a good feeling, a very good feeling

The feeling you know that I’ll be back

When the day is through

With this second verse to sing with you

And you’ll have things you’ll want to sing about

And I’ll have verse two.

Now for a list of things I just can't get into:

1. Pre-Season Football
2. Dungeons and Dragons, or anything involving Dragons
   
3. Extra Small Jeans
4. Harvard Medical School
5. Paris Hilton (the entity, this item is not meant as a double entendre although I guest it is one)
   

Now for a list of things I have gotten into in the last week:

1. A Chase ATM Vestibule
2. Teen Week on Jeopardy
3. My Apartment's Shower
4. Canada
5. The United States
   

5 Things that I am going to guess you run into on a regular basis, even though you are not me.

1. A doorknob, Cabinet door, or drawer that doesn't work exactly properly but doesn't get fixed.
2. A person who smiles too much that it makes you wonder if they are on drugs, not hard stuff, but light stuff to keep their mood from plummetting
3. A menu item at a restaurant that you wonder who orders
4. A scab that just never seems to go away.
5. A lion-tamer with a big nose, but a bigger heart.

Great Post by Greg Gutfeld here about Jon Benet.

Reflections from The Lake Color Blind Test
How Many Circles Do You See?
A) 0
B) 2
C) 4
D) What Circles?
E) All of them!

If you Answer
A) You are Giraffe Hoof Color Blind this means you cannot apply for a license in West Virginia or Oregon, also you ineligible for Senior Merchant Marine Positions, however junioir positions can be a rewarding career and offer phenomenal benefits.
B) You need to stop counting by two. There is no colorblind combination that would ever allow you to only see two circles
C) You can stop carrying your National Honor Society membership card in your wallet. High School was over 10 years ago
D) Look above the question again at the colored shapes
E) This means you are a big fan of the story of the philosophy professor who gives the essay final and the question is "WHY?" and the only person who gets an A is the guy who answers "Why Not?"

Further tests to come....

One last quick story. We have a new guy in the office. He actually said this the first day at lunch, "People stop my on the street and tell me all the time that I look like Derek Jeter". Now if that is true why would you tell 5 dudes that, 5 dudes that are just waiting for something to pounce on that we can use as fodder against you. The additional factor is that he looks as much like Derek Jeter that Emmanual Lewis (Webster) looks like a plastic clip you use on potato chips.

One more last thing is that if it turns out this perv in Thailand is the one who offed Jon Benet, I will have to eat my hat. I thought for sure it was her parents.

Okay really last thing. I was once on a Catholic retreat and part of the retreat was you could get up at 6AM and go into the chapel, a chapel that had no seats, and pray. So I went in there and within 30 seconds of lying on the ground trying to commune with God, I was out cold. The chapel was pitch dark and the floor had that plush, shag carpet that only a Catholic retreat house still has. The only window was away from where the sun was rising. So everyone else leaves to go to breakfast. Then we had our first retreat type of activity at 9 o'clock. Then at 10:30 was the second one. I wake up and the room is still pretty dark so I figure it must be time for breakfast. I go to the cafeteria and see that people are sitting down at the tables. I realize as I see pitchers of Kool-Aid and plates of grilled cheese sandwiches (it was a Friday in Lent) that I had slept through the morning session. So that night, when we had an option of going to penence, the first thing I told the priest was that I slept through the morning session. His response was, "in a way God was answering your prayers" and chuckled.

I am sitting here on an August night watching The Secret of My Success with Michael J. Fox. One interesting piece of trivia, the screenplay was written by the same writer as Top Gun. One thing I think is interesting about corporate movies is that they seem so much more real than romantic comedies, teen sex comedies, or thrillers. I think this is because in the corporate environment you see everything. In a typical week you come across:

• ass-kissers & assholes
• overly nice motherly types & complete bitches
• People who care too much & people who don't care at all
• People who are uber-smart & people who are uber dumb
• Men who are guys guys & Men who are ladies men
• Women who are dark and sultry & women who are manly and scary
• People who take themselves too seriously & People who really take themselves too seriously
• People who hit on interns & interns who deserved to be hit on
• The overly aggresive guy & the laidback team player
  
• Immigrants who have completely assimilated into American Culture & immigrants who you would think walked directly through customs into the office

In other words in Corporate movies you can throw in any character and it seems sort of, kinda like someone you know in your office. And then for a plot is all you need to do is have the main character seem reasonable and getting frustrated in his dealing with these people.

If I ever write a movie about the office, I can't wait to include the guy who uses only buzzwords and the guy who qualifies everything he says with "basically". And of course I would get Brad Pitt to play the reasonable guy who also blogs on the side.

If there is a benefit to working for a large corporation in New York City, one of them has to be the ability to travel amongst our various offices via the subway. Today's inventory:

1. An absolutely beautiful actress practicing her lines aloud to herself.
2. A family of four from somewhere in Iowa who the one son asked if they were going to see multiplication at Time's Square
3. A dead ringer for Richard Hatch, the first survivor
4. Someone selling one dollar plastic "mouses". (His diction not mine)
5. A man sweating so much he looked like he had just walked in from the rain.

The toughest thing in the world is when you want to describe something to someone, but you know however you describe it, it won't conjure the emotion that you want it to. The toughest times are when you had either a lot of fun, or were incredibly frustrated. When you want to describe something fun it always seems lame. When you want to describe something frustrating it always seems petty. So what am I driving at, maybe thats the sign that you had a really good time or a really bad time is that the only people you can acurately describe it are the people you shared that time with. Today at work in a way I knew to some my fun times would seem lame, and my frustrating times would seem petty, in a way I didn't want it any other way.

Did anyone see the footage of Castro with his brother and the president of Venezuala? Castro was sick but now he is supposedly getting better. Meanwhile, to me it looked more realistic when Forrest told LBJ that he had been shot in the buttocks. Nothing quite like a good Forrest Gump joke. (I only went that direction because Weekend at Bernies seemed to obvious).

Things that I would not allow on airplanes as additional precautions as well as liquids and gels.

1. People who like to have long conversations about thier "doggies"
2. People who think showers happen as often as the Olympics.
3. People who think that the Santa Clause 2 is gut-achingly funny and proceed to laugh so loud that you can here them over the engines five rows away, even though you are wearing an I-pod.
4. Anyone with a bladder problem who requests a window seat.
5. Anyone with a Taliban duffle bag.

While I was on vacation I was in an accident. Luckily it was on the way home. My neck is killing me. My upper back is sore. Not that I want to whine. I am happy to be alive. I think there is something terribly scary about looking up at the roof an ambulance, with your body completely immobilized. It was almost as painful as coming back to 396 emails and a staff meeting this morning. Because this is the kind of guy I am put together a little table of my emails.

Meaningful: 25 (6%)
Semi-meaningful: 17 (4%)
Reminding me that my mailbox is over size-limit:15 (11%)
Spam: 42 (11%)
Not-meaningful: The rest. (75%)

I'm back. Have to return to work tomorrow.

Here is my comment. There is nothing better then when being away for a while to come back and have not one but two magazines in your mailbox.

More to come. Hope you missed at least a little of the reflections...

On vacation starting tomorrow. Blogging will resume Monday.

This morning I was walking into work and I saw one of those hoses that shoots water out at different directions along the length of it. Here is my question do you buy hoses with holes preinserted or do you take a hose and just insert slits along the length of it? Or can you do both. Are their gardeners or landscapers that prefer to slit their own hose?

On vacation starting tomorrow. Blogging will resume Monday.

This morning I was walking into work and I saw one of those hoses that shoots water out at different directions along the length of it. Here is my question do you buy hoses with holes preinserted or do you take a hose and just insert slits along the length of it? Or can you do both. Are their gardeners or landscapers that prefer to slit their own hose?

Ellen Burstyn was nominated for an Emmy for a performance that lasts 14 Seconds. See Here. I can think of 2 times in my life where I performed for around 14 seconds and got an award.

1. 1993 High School Spirt Week Three Legged Race. Placed 2nd with William Fredsmith.
2. Cancun spring break 1998 Who can finish two beers the quickest? 1st Place.

The long awaited Reflections from the Lake orgin story.

A lot of people ask me, why is your blog with your observations about office life and pop culture and your demented writing titled Reflections from the Lake? (and by a lot of people, I mean nobody yet, but mostly due to shyness)

Well I guess on first blush it is an odd name. I live nowhere near any lakes. The truth is the name comes from a one off email to a cousin of mine. In the email I was trying to come up with the perfect name for a newspaper column in a small town free weekly, written by a retired World War II veteran. Each week I could imagine him posting his "reflections" in columnar format. Oh and he would definitely live in Maine. Below is an excerpt from the column for this week

Reflections from the Lake
I wandered over to the Library on Thursday and it seems the DaVinci Code still has a waiting list of 16 people
My 12 year old grandson Trevor is really growing up, I caught him sneaking a look at Betty Waldorf at the Freezy Hut, where we went for cones. Betty is 38 but looks about 22.
Is there a better breakfast then the Bacon, Egg Lettuce and Syrup Sandwich at the Caribou Dinner.
The Bluejays have been eating so much birdseed lately the squirrels are looking anorexic.
Have you ever noticed that every time you open a magazine a subscription card falls out. How many of these do they put in an issue of Newsweek?
The St. Paul 's Bake sale was so nice I had to endulge in a second Raspeberry Bar.
Only 136 shopping days until Christmas, Santas elves must be finishing up the last of their vacations.

And so on and so on... I just hope my observations are slightly better

Fastest way to impress me every morning, tell me how late you worked the night before.

Someday, when I have my own company if anyone works past 7 they will have to fill out a form with three boxes.

I was here after 7 because:

_____ I am inefficient during the day

_____ I don't have a life and don't like going home

_____ I have too much work to do (please list the mission critical projects you are working on and review with your manager).

5 fashion accidents that get super annoying when you realize when you get to work.

1. Hole in your sock
2. Forgot a belt
3. Undershirt sleave is longer than golf shirt sleave
4. Wore two different socks
5. Undershirt is on backwards

Which two did our intern do today? Our interns shift ends Friday, I have a feeling they are enjoying the fleeting days in NYC.

One Texas town is banning cleavage in school. Look here. Key quote:

Even some teenagers agree there is a problem. “I think it's good that they're doing it,” said student, Tyler Edwards.

Tyler Edwards, way to go man. Why do I think that this comment is not exactly going to take the heat off from the guys that pick on you when you change for gym class? I guess a few more months of hiding your lunch money in your sock won't be too bad.

Ban whatever you want. If there is one universal truth in this world, it's that either through intention or not 16 year old girls will always find a way to distract 16 year old boys from their Chemistry teacher.

Which is it? This is a fun little game where I offer a list and you have to decide which category it falls into.

Today's two categories possible answers are from my Multiple choice Calculus final from 1994 or Things A Marine or World War II wished he had when was stuck in his foxhole.

1. A
2. C
3. Gin
4. A
5. His Sweety
6. A&E
7. An extra blanket
8. C
9. A radio
10. A time machine

I am off for five days starting Thursday. Trying to focus at work before a vacation is tough. Today I feel like a hyena with ADD on coke who had Red Bull and Sugar Pops for breakfast whose mother hyena asked him to stay still.

I know what you are thinking, how does a vet diagnose ADD in a Hyena? I don't know, the bigger issue at hand is the coke problem the Hyena world.

9 Birds and their scientific name that it would have been tough for me to make an oral presentation about when I was 13.

1. Brown-capped Woodpecker, Dendrocopos nanus
2. Puerto Rican Woodpecker, Melanerpes portoricensis
3. Hairy Woodpecker, Picoides villosus
4. Red-cockaded Woodpecker, Picoides borealis
5. Streak-throated Woodpecker, Picus xanthopygaeus
6. Black-rumped Flameback, Dinopium benghalense
7. Hoffmann's Woodpecker, Melanerpes hoffmannii
8. Welcome Swallow Hirundo neoxena
9. Pearl-breasted Swallow Hirundo dimidiata

IF you started dating a girl and found out that her ex-boyfriend was a chopper pilot, how would you think you could ever compete. Chopper Pilots are by far the manlinest men on the planet. They fly Choppers different places and then get out and woo pretty ladies all across the land. Chopper Pilots have sunglasses that perfectly fit their head. Chopper Pilots have haircuts that look good day and night. Chopper Pilots have stared death in the eye and not blinked. Imagine if every day you woke up and strapped yourself into a chopper and perused the Earth from a small altitude. I wish I was a chopper pilot.

Five stories that people tell that are never as entertaining as they think they are. And two that are:

1. Stories about their pets
2. Stories about their dream from the night before
3. Stories about their commute in
4. Stories about shopping at Target
5. Stories about meetings that you weren't at.

1. Stories that result in a person having to be put on a high powered antibiotic for three months
2. Stories involving hitchhiking.

You know who crack me up, people who wear their Company ID around their neck like they are dogtags. I first noticed this on a marketing professor I had a in college, but around the office there are a few that do as well.

I took it one further. I have pierced my belly button and attached a chain to the peircing with my ID attached on the other. I also have tatooed an exact copy of the ID to the palm of my hand. Additionally at all times I have multiple spare copies of my ID's hidden on my person.

Four things that I would wish I knew a lot more about that if an old timey bandit were to kidnap me in Alberta and tie me to the train tracks.

1. Knots
2. Train Schedules in Alberta
3. Canadian Train Whistles
4. Prayers.

Reminder why Seinfeld was the best show ever... Jerry and Kramer are taking the Frozen Yogurt to the lab to see if it is fat free (after Jerry has been eating it over and over again and putting on weight):

Kramer Well, you can't have this tested now. It's melting.
Jerry So what.
Kramer It changes the molecules.
Jerry Oh, you don't know what you're talking about.
Kramer Hey, fatso! I got a 90 in biology.

What are your favorite moments?

Three unresolved questions from the 80's.

1. If you were in charge of creating cyborg police officers who would you choose to make them, the creators of Inspector Gadget or Robocop? (Think long and hard because in a way they were both pretty crappy police officers, Inspector Gadget never got Dr. Claw and everywhere Robocop went there was chaos and destruction)
2. Is there a better ficitional Amazing Race partner than Macgyver? (I guess I would hear arguments for the Flash, but the Flash is just so cocky.)
3. Who would win on Family Feud: The Keatons from Family Ties or the Seavers from Growing Pains? I am tempted to say the Keatons since Alex was smart and Steven worked for PBS, but Jason was a doctor and Carol went to Columbia.

If you decide toe reread this post please hum Man from Down Under while doing so.

It is so hot today that instead of frying an egg on the sidewalk, the five New York Weathermen had the following:

Channel 2 WCBS: They were cooking a full Thanksgiving dinner on the sidewalk (the pumpkin pie looked a little runny)
Channel 4 WNBC: They were shrinky-dinkiing Shrinky Dinks on the sidewalk (Scooby Doo)
Channel 5 WNYW: They were liquifying lead on the sidewalk (Using gloves of course)
Channel 7 WABC: They were turning sand into glass on the sidewalk (Looks like glass in colonial homes)
Channel 9 WWOR: They were showing how puggles (half pug/half beagles) burst into flames when you leave them on the sidewalk for too long
Channel 11 WPIX: Joey Fatone was guest weathmanning and awkwardly answering questions about Lance Bass on the sidewalk

Evidently there was a Blackberry outage for 2 hours today. My prediction either productivity soared or 9 months from today there will be a baby boom in the ranks of middle managers.

Why does all Blowpop gum taste a little bit like chalk?

The Mayor's office has asked all buildings in NY to close their shades and set the AC at 78 degrees as we are forecasted to hit between 105-109. Some of the other thing Mayor asked:

1. Please, if you have a copy of ICE AGE 2: The Meltdown, place it in your DVD player and play.
2. Please first use stored supplies of York Peppermint Patties before purchasing new ones.
3. Z100, the city's Top 40 Radio station, is required to play Ice Ice Baby at the top of the hour
4. Q104, the city's Classic Rock Station, is required to play Cold as Ice at the bottom of the hour
5. Please chew as much as your mouth can fill of Dentyne Ice gum.
6. Please check on your elderly neighbors.

I think Al-Qaeda has developed a weather machine.